Black sheep of triplets *trigger warning*

Edit: Sorry for the wall of text, but please give me 3 minutes of your time to read through it. I need help.
My name is Charles and I'm a 21 years old male suffering from depression, anxiety, adhd, personality disorder(?), addictions, I don't even know anymore. I live by myself pretty far from my home town. I'm a triplet, I have a "twin" brother and sister. My first language is French. My psychologists always tell me different stories and I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't feel like anything improved in my life after like 6 years of seeing psychologists and doctors. I feel like they're wrong and they don't understand me. I feel like I can't even trust them.
Does that mean I'm a complicated case?
Will I ever get better?
I don't have a job, I don't work, I'm failing college. I'm an hermit. Got out of an abusive relationship a year ago. I'd just kill myself if it wasn't of my fragile mom and my dear brother and sister. I honestly hate myself. I think I'm the most selfish rotten manipulative narcissist human around. I'm a bully, sexist, possibly racist. I manipulate people as a way to cope with my problems. I've been faking ptsd just so that I could get free money and not have to work. I just want to play video games and do drugs all day. The reason I could get away with it is because I faked it after getting jumped and had to get surgery for a badly broken jaw. I played the victim and now I get free money.
Maybe I wasn't really playing the victim?
Maybe I just hate myself so much that I think I was?
Maybe lying about all this $#%^ is ok after all the abuse I've been going through all my life?
I have a strong inferiority complex. Trying to compensate, with pseudo intelligence, scholorships and stuff, even tho I'm falling all my classes. I'm being awarded a scholorship this week, but I know they just gave it to me out of pity. They first gave it to me as a mistake, (gave it to the wrong Charles), then when they saw how destroyed I was they gave it to me anyway. I'm a fraud. I don't want to help. I'm just stuck here doing benzos, drinking, playing video games and only smurfing to get easy games and feel better than everybody. I smoke weed everyday even tho it gives me TERRIBLE anxiety attacks, I don't even know why I keep doing it.
I've been having genuine suicidal thoughts tonight so that's why I'm writting all of this here. It might be a pain to read, I might get to response, but I really need to talk about all of this because I just can't keep going on. I feel inferior to everybody, I feel inadequate, my brother is taller, cuter, finishing college, he can drive, he has a job. Same with my sister. While I'm just sitting here being a sad loser.
I'm a ######6 loser.
My appartement is a mess, my hygiene's been $#%^ lately.
Lately my main anxiety has been about me self-monitoring me constantly for any narcissistic behaviors. One of my terapist once said I was a narc. Now my current one said I'm an arrested developpement narcissist. Its basically the same but reversed. I hate myself deep down to the core. I stopped taking my anti-depressants because I thought they were the reason I was falling college and that they were worsening my ADHD. Turns out stopping them didn't change anything. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish I would just stop existing. I'm feeling a little bit better right now because I couldn't stop myself from popping a benzo pill an hour ago.
I was gonna say that my only achievement was to be the co-founder of a "prestiged" robotic club, but really I'm just a leech, and impostor just pretending to be remotely useful to the club. I was only good at first then I got bored. Like I get bored of everything.
I was bullied, and a bully my whole life. By my family and my classmates. I was always second choice. Girls always loved my brother and if he wasn't interested, they'd move to the less attractive twin that is me. I don't even know what to type anymore, I feel like this is super incomplete but I guess it's all I have to say right now.
tldr: Please read the whole thing, but I'm at the end of the rope. Anxiety, depression, adhd, inferiority complex, I just want to be dead. I tried working out, can't commit. I tried studying more, can't commit. I tried going out more, can't commit. I tried getting my drivers license, can't commit. Please, give me the cure?

tldr: Anxiety depression all sorts of disorder, tried everything nothing works. Inferiority complex. I want to be dead.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through so much. I read your post and I just don't know what to say other than I'm listening and if you need to, just vent on the forum. Hugs if wanted.

Hello. I'm new here and certainly not in power to help you. But you know, I often feel the same. I finished college but I still don't work, though I'm already 27. I'm a constant disappointment to my parents. Nobody has ever loved me (except for my mother) and most probably never will. I'm an utter failure and I don't deserve to live. But I learnt to accept that.

I can see the frustration in your tone and I feel I can understand all that. I was often in a similar mood. I also know that this short post couldn't possibly express all your feelings. It's like a total mess. There is so much pain you don't know what hurts you the most. How can you try to fix it then? I'm no psychologist but I'm a person ready to listen, to talk about things that bother you. Sometimes these are the strangest things, I know. I've had moments when I cried half of the night because of one casual sentence I read or a stupid advertisement I watched. So don't be afraid, I've seen it all.

Also, I'm curious about what you said about you being sexist/racist. I'd like to know more about it. I know that this is especially difficult to admit. When you say something like that the society immediately wants to lynch you. And you know it's wrong but the thing is you can't do anything about that. I'm saying that because I'm sexist, too, and nobody seem to understand it. So I would like to try to understand you. If you feel like it, if you'd like to share your pain which, I guess, is sometimes too strong to bear it on your own, please, send me a message. You sound like an intricately complex human being, which is fascinating, and you definitely deserve peace and happiness you are deprived of.