How do you get over the "shame" of depression?

So I've been dealing with clinical depression for a number of years now and I'm trying to put the pieces back together. Unfortunately, it's kind of like trying to put a letter back together after tossing it in the paper shredder: you may have all the pieces and you may be able to piece it back together, but it'll never look the same as it did beforehand. You could argue I suffered depression my whole life, but it really blew up in the past two and a half years.

Anyway, one of the catalysts for the meltdown was a series of bad "professional" job experiences after leaving college back in 2014. For contextual purposes, I was a software and electrical engineer. I graduated college at the top of my class, had a job lined up for me after school, etc. I did "everything right" as they say, and yet I'm miserable. After going through 2 jobs (3 if you count my internship) and deciding I hated each and every one of them, I'm trying to make a complete change and exit the field all together. I won't even work for [insert colorful search-engine and smartphone operating-system giant here], who've been pestering me for over a year now to come work for them (with no application or initial contact on my part): that's how much I hate it.

After my latest gig, I figured it'd be best to take a sabbatical and detox completely. At this point, I was on 3 different antidepressants and I was no happier, just numb to the pain. So I booked a 2-month trip to Australia and New Zealand and just relaxed and took it all in. That really helped me, it put lots of perspective on things and (aside from a few breakdowns, which I attribute to new medications and alcohol - I've stopped drinking since) I am feeling much better.

But now that I'm back, I feel like I'm slowly starting to spiral backwards. I've got my parents on my back telling me to "get a job" and "do something." I understand their concern, but I don't think they're going about it in the right direction. I'm not doing "nothing," I'm trying to figure out what direction to take my life now (assuming I don't spiral too far and take it before I figure it out). They're telling me to pick up temporary work for now, but I can see they really want to push me back into a career. They're all about "security" and "benefits," as though that's still a thing for my (millennial) generation.

Nonetheless, I'm applying for temporary jobs at places like Home Depot or Costco. as I go through the job application process, all I feel is a sense of shame. Here I am listing my experience and references for jobs I'm very much overqualified for in some senses. At the same time, my friends (whatever's left of them anyway, most have ditched me since my meltdown) are moving on with their lives in "professional" careers and here I am, Mr. Star Pupil, the envy of the whole class, now applying for minimum-wage jobs with zero direction in life.

I can keep telling myself that this is "only temporary," but it doesn't get rid of the shame. While I could get a good recommendation from almost anybody, I found myself crying as I browsed my contacts list for possible references. I tried to pick people who know what's going on in my life to a degree. Still, I can't get the look of confusion on their faces when they answer the phone and hear "Hello, this is Jane Doe calling from McDonald's, your coworker/friend Audifanatic2510 listed you as a reference for our floor sweeper position, is this a good time to talk?" Of course, I could and I probably should tell them I listed them as references so they're not surprised, but that still doesn't get rid of the shame of being in my position. It doesn't feel good being forced to let your loved ones know what depression has reduced you to.

Offering hugs if wanted. I understand what you mean about feeling ashamed of taking a minimum wage job after you've excelled so much in academics and in career. I was what I would call, a pretty smart kid, in high school. But I fell apart emotionally right before I graduated. I didn't even care if I graduated or not. But I did. I went to college and I still can't finish it, but now my reason for not finishing it is that I am a full-time mom to 3 girls. A tween and 2 teenagers. I am at a point that I will take a simple job as sales person on the floor of a clothing store gladly because it is a paying job. I do have goals like going to finish college and becoming an accountant. I used to think nursing was the field I wanted to go into, but no it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life. The pay is good, but I am not the type of person who can work as a nurse. A desk job is more for me.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are only human and I think it's normal to feel those feelings of being ashamed but don't let it stop you from going on with life. I sincerely believe that it gets better. Take care of your depression. Change doctors if you need to. Get that part fixed. I had been depressed for so long and at least for me, it turned out later that I actually had bipolar disorder and not just depression. We are treating the symptoms as they say, and I am stable at this time. I have so much to look forward to. So do you! I'm cheering you on!

audifanatic2510 wrote:Here I am listing my experience and references for jobs I'm very much overqualified for in some senses. At the same time, my friends (whatever's left of them anyway, most have ditched me since my meltdown) are moving on with their lives in "professional" careers and here I am, Mr. Star Pupil, the envy of the whole class, now applying for minimum-wage jobs with zero direction in life.

i get this. i was the star kid in my college and many classmates would envy my soft skills. i was good in academics as well n i had the best job after college. but i fell down as well. and its been rough after that. like a truck doing downhill.

the good that came from my breakdown is i'm less judgmental now. i would judge others a lot. like was very proud of myself and look down upon others. i'm not that person anymore.

I have a very similar story. I wanted to be a scientist but I burned out badly while working for my Ph.D. I didn't really like my project but didn't have the ability to change late in the game. I managed to get my MS and quit after that. I haven't been the same since. Have been on cocktails of medications without great results. I haven't worked in 6 years now. After 3 years of not working there was just no way to explain it to employers, so I gave up looking. I wish I had a physical illness there wasn't so much ######6 prejudice about. It's not as though I don't have physical symptoms (constant sleepiness, exhaustion, nausea, etc...) now from being on so many medications.