just (you do it to yourself)

i just recently moved away from home. why the hell did i do that? why did i leave everything familiar to me, where i never needed anything, where i had everything i wanted, where i knew everyone, where everyone who knew me thought i mattered? i'm never going to matter here. not like i did back home. it doesn't matter how long i stay here. i'll never fit in.

i thought it would be a good change, a great adventure. now i'm stuck. i never had problems being alone before. i sort of have SPD. i have no problems being alone. but i never thought i'd feel genuinely depressed, i mean i'd always claimed to be depressed once in a while in the past but i never really understood what it meant until now. how things in your life can actually really make you want to end your life. i never had a problem with suicide before either. i used to always make a joke about having a death wish. it's not so funny now that i think i'm really starting to have one.

i thought regularly crying over silly things like sappy movies and hallmark cards or whatever would be like a release, to give in to sadness every once in a while, so that i wouldn't have to feel so much of it at any one time. but i can't even cry now. i just want to stay in my room and not come out ever again.

but i have to go to work tomorrow. or i'll get fired. and i can't be depressed at work. everyone thinks i'm normal.

i moved for this job. i can't be depressed, and get fired. everyone else seems to have a purpose. everyone else knows where they belong, what they're meant to do. everyone else is important, necessary. i'll never fit in here. it doesn't matter how long i stay. but i can't leave. everyone's probably already starting to guess that i'm really not normal. then i'll be even more left out and even more useless than i already feel. how am i supposed to get help if i can't tell anyone that i'm depressed?

maybe i'm nuts. maybe i'm just making a big issue out of nothing. maybe i'm just paranoid about getting fired. maybe i really am just doing this to myself. god, why hasn't this passed? i've been waiting for this to pass for the past 3 months.

disquiet26 wrote:i just recently moved away from home. why the hell did i do that?

You did that because you cannot forever be dependant on other people. What you have done could turn out to be a great thing, but we all take time to adjust to new situations.

disquiet26 wrote:everyone else knows where they belong, what they're meant to do. everyone else is important, necessary.

That's not true at all and you will actually find that a large proportion of the population lack ambition, feel lost, and have no particular idea what their purpose is. These feelings affect some people more than others, however. Right now, it's affecting you pretty badly.

disquiet26 wrote:everyone's probably already starting to guess that i'm really not normal.

'Normal' shouldn't even come into the equation. There is no normal or non-normal. Don't use this word again... ...


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I see that you are a Radiohead fan; The video for that song is one of the best videos ever. What do you think the guy actually says at the end of it? Oh, and what is this job that 'made' you move out?


Kevin.

Chucky wrote:...a large proportion of the population lack ambition, feel lost, and have no particular idea what their purpose is.

yeah well none of these people seem to be around me

Chucky wrote:There is no normal...

i know there are no set rules about this or whatever, but i tend to disagree that there is no normal. otherwise, nobody would have to feel different

Chucky wrote:I see that you are a Radiohead fan; The video for that song is one of the best videos ever. What do you think the guy actually says at the end of it?

Radiohead is awesome, and that video was excellent--I can't even begin to guess what that guy actually says

i'm feeling a lot better now..

disquiet26 wrote:Radiohead is awesome, and that video was excellent--I can't even begin to guess what that guy actually says

I doubt that the band have any particular idea what he says either. That's what makes the video even more special.

I'm glad that you are feeling better but your last post was written 4 months ago. I can't believe that I never replied to you. Sorry about that but, how are you now?

Kevin.

no worries... i'm riding a streak of a good couple of weeks, with rare intermittent brief lapses. i guess it was just the lack of concrete work.

the irony is that, the job i was freaking out that i might lose, now everyone's leaving.

quite a strange turn of events. so now i'm dealing with some mild to medium abandonment issues, with a dash of fear of having to live life, or quite possibly having to start all over, all over again.

but anyway, i appreciate the follow-up. you must have better things to do. hope you are faring well.

disquiet26 wrote:... ...with a dash of fear of having to live life, or quite possibly having to start all over, all over again.

I understand that but it can be a good thing. You can get rid of everything bad, and in a small sense, redevelop your character. I have done such things twice within the past four years. I mean, I became friends with people who only depressed me further. So, I had to erase all contact with them and restart. I also left a college course in the final year, having studied it for four years. I have nothing to show for those four years but leaving it needed to be done to save my sanity.


Kevin.

disquiet26 wrote:i just recently moved away from home. why the hell did i do that? why did i leave everything familiar to me, where i never needed anything, where i had everything i wanted, where i knew everyone, where everyone who knew me thought i mattered? i'm never going to matter here. not like i did back home. it doesn't matter how long i stay here. i'll never fit in.

Well, I'm honestly thinking of moving away from everything familiar and start fresh, simply because being in the family isn't giving me any kind of life.
I'm sorry it's being hard for you but maybe its just like chucky said, you got to learn to make on your own...that has to do wonders to self-esteem...but what do I know?

i'm sure i had all those intentions in deciding to move away. fresh start, new life, discard everything and everyone in the past, a total make-over. complete escape.

but i don't know so much about my self-esteem developing since there's suddenly all this fear of new things and getting to know new people, and making yourself fit in and be accepted all over again.

unlike the place where you'd have left, where you knew exactly where you fit and how.

and the escape isn't as cracked up as i thought it would be, not to mention running away from problems never really solved anything.

i'm just trying to focus on the good. job, health, family, good stuff. i just shouldn't dwell on things that are out of my control.

disquiet26 wrote:but i don't know so much about my self-esteem developing since there's suddenly all this fear of new things and getting to know new people, and making yourself fit in and be accepted all over again.

That can wait; you don't have to do everything at once. The old life you had was indeed familiar to you, but it was also painful. New things scare me too but if you stick to the same thing forever you'll get isolated and maybe depressed.

That's why I actively try to bring new things into my life, as much as I hate it. I realise that if I didn't do this, I'd end-up living the exact same day for the rest of my life.