Feel completely empty

I look back to times in the past where I could feel things. It feels like there is a veil of fog around my brain preventing me from being particularly happy or sad, when I look at a beautiful view I barely feel anything, the only thing that makes me smile is my memory of what the beautiful view was when I saw it long ago. I'm not sure if I'm depersonalised or just depressed. I don't think I've ever legitimately smiled or been happy at something other than a quick laugh at a comedy or while I've been on drugs for years.

Does anyone else feel completely empty? It's not like I feel unfulfilled with life. Just emotionally blunt, mentally blunt. Nothing has colour or excitement.

there was a time when i was in depression. i remember we had completed some big project at work and everyone was happy. i felt indifferent and was worried about it. as to why am i so numb to emotions.

i dont feel indifferent and its not like i'm all happy and cheerful but i'm okay with myself.

meds helped me. but mostly talking with friends and realizing that everyone has difficult life. that helped.

i feel more regret than emptiness. regret that i left my job (because i didnt feel passionate enough), or regret that i let some of my friends go away.

gardening has helped me. at first i wasnt bothered about the plants that i grew, but now i like watering them. it hasnt made my life 'awesome' but i feel better looking at the plants grow at times.

like just keep going and dont care about emotions.

i used to run a lot earlier. so even that helped.

but mostly talking to friends and realizing that even they are struggling.

and i deactivated facebook. that would only make me feel jealous.

its okay to feel empty. some people run fast, some are intelligent, some are funny. some feel less emotions. i'm okay with that now.

*TW*

I don't know if I feel completely "empty" or not. I feel content. But I know that whenever one of my family members dies, like my brother or my son or my mother, I feel absolutely nothing. No sadness whatsoever. I don't cry at their deathbeds or funerals. I don't laugh at comedians or sit coms either. They are so non funny to me that I don't even watch them. Ever since I have been meditating for 15 minutes twice a day every day, I don't get angry anymore either. Never. I am even Steven all of the time it seems. I don't feel jealousy either. Absolutely no emotions. No joy, anger, sadness, nada.
My psych Dr. says that it is a combination of my schizophrenia and my antidepressant med Celexa. I am on 20 mg a day. My son died of suicide. In a most gruesome way. He strangled himself. I can think of those details and feel absolutely nothing. I am his natural mother. That is not normal. What makes it extra bizarre is when I was in my 30''s, I was diagnosed bipolar and I had too many emotions. My emotions were absolutely extreme to the max. I was constantly sad and suicidal. And now, nothing. I am now diagnosed schizoaffective.

Thank you for your honest post. If nothing else, I know it's helpful to know there are others in a similar state - regardless of how we got there. Yes, I've felt empty. But, unfortunately I think I've gone beyond that to apathy (though I know intellectually that is not true - it's what I feel like for now). The EMPTY feeling left me without desires, caring, wants, without energy, unable to give for any sustained period. It came as a result of wanting something - emotional intimacy - touch - and trying to accept that was not to be. I am older. No husband, no children to rely on as back-up. Family members for the most part are "distant". We were never truly bonded as kids. It is difficult to make a REAL friend, not just casual acquaintance or someone I see once a month and "chat" over coffee. (Even that does not occur.) I used to take drives by myself, go to a movie, ... but that has topped because I am TIRED of always being by myself or having to engage in small talk. At my age, most people have developed friendships over time, and family relationships. The lack of belonging and the need to belong tug at me. I never wanted to "accept" that this was as good as it was going to get, but seeking something unattainable left me in pain, so "acceptance" of my state began to settle in and with it, emptiness. I saw no happy future in my life. Then, Trump got elected. Since then, I see his psychopath personality destroying our county - a catalyst for hate, fear, and division - it makes even the world I live in seem less inviting. As a younger woman I stood up for women's rights, integration, truth justice and the American way - as entrenched in apple pie as you can get. Yes, I was a flag waver - kept one flying in front of my house. But, my view of America and what I see through actions as Trumps view, are not the same. More despair. I've sensed a growing depression since the election and increase since the inauguration. It was bad enough to assume I would live my days in emptiness, now it's in fear of a hateful, distrustful, divisive community/country. I see the same behaviors - lies, character assassination, in my own small community. I tried to fight it with truth/facts, but most folks won't stand-up to injustice and I was emotionally exhausted and beaten over time. This new society increased my fears and hopelessness, powerlessness. In recent weeks, I notice I've become more isolated and apathetic. It's a defense. Not caring, not attempting to engage seemed better than caring, being taunted by unrelenting conspiracy theorists, and feeling powerless. More and more I see the name-calling, false facts and character assassination, and the burden of proof is on the accused. My neighborhood is merely a microcosm of a Trump attacking tweet w/o substance. I've seen therapists in the past but never found one that was as good a communicator as those in the movies. And, I resent the only person I can really talk to (and maybe be heard), is someone I have to pay. I came here today to share my low feelings and the first post I saw was yours. I don't have answers, but I thank you for the courage to post.

I can relate to this somewhat but the difference is that I have shallow emotions as long as I can remember. But since approximately six months, I don't feel happiness, pleasure and desire anymore. I even have a hard time feeling normal anger. I will hear the diagnosis after this weekend. I was also diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, a disorder that makes me incapable of genuinely connecting with people. I never had a problem with that, until now. It could compensate the lack of emotions I've for myself right now. Take care!

*Hug* I know. It is a horrible horrible state of being. I know exactly what you talking about. And there is no easy remedy to bring that real life back. You can't force life and color to flood back into your soul. This will take time, through evolving yourself in relationships and the things you do in your life. As you evolve, you will feel different. I hope and pray that you feel more alive and filled with passion or excitement or raw life. We all want that. Try doing something different than what you do daily, break free of the monotony and try something more daring, even if it seems stupid. Yes this problem is something in your brain, and mind, but it is more so something to do with your soul. Psychiatry will not tell you that. You need to connect back to life. You need to find a powerful connection! Best of luck.

Pat wrote:Thank you for your honest post. If nothing else, I know it's helpful to know there are others in a similar state - regardless of how we got there. Yes, I've felt empty. But, unfortunately I think I've gone beyond that to apathy (though I know intellectually that is not true - it's what I feel like for now). The EMPTY feeling left me without desires, caring, wants, without energy, unable to give for any sustained period. It came as a result of wanting something - emotional intimacy - touch - and trying to accept that was not to be. I am older. No husband, no children to rely on as back-up. Family members for the most part are "distant". We were never truly bonded as kids. It is difficult to make a REAL friend, not just casual acquaintance or someone I see once a month and "chat" over coffee. (Even that does not occur.) I used to take drives by myself, go to a movie, ... but that has topped because I am TIRED of always being by myself or having to engage in small talk. At my age, most people have developed friendships over time, and family relationships. The lack of belonging and the need to belong tug at me. I never wanted to "accept" that this was as good as it was going to get, but seeking something unattainable left me in pain, so "acceptance" of my state began to settle in and with it, emptiness. I saw no happy future in my life. Then, Trump got elected. Since then, I see his psychopath personality destroying our county - a catalyst for hate, fear, and division - it makes even the world I live in seem less inviting. As a younger woman I stood up for women's rights, integration, truth justice and the American way - as entrenched in apple pie as you can get. Yes, I was a flag waver - kept one flying in front of my house. But, my view of America and what I see through actions as Trumps view, are not the same. More despair. I've sensed a growing depression since the election and increase since the inauguration. It was bad enough to assume I would live my days in emptiness, now it's in fear of a hateful, distrustful, divisive community/country. I see the same behaviors - lies, character assassination, in my own small community. I tried to fight it with truth/facts, but most folks won't stand-up to injustice and I was emotionally exhausted and beaten over time. This new society increased my fears and hopelessness, powerlessness. In recent weeks, I notice I've become more isolated and apathetic. It's a defense. Not caring, not attempting to engage seemed better than caring, being taunted by unrelenting conspiracy theorists, and feeling powerless. More and more I see the name-calling, false facts and character assassination, and the burden of proof is on the accused. My neighborhood is merely a microcosm of a Trump attacking tweet w/o substance. I've seen therapists in the past but never found one that was as good a communicator as those in the movies. And, I resent the only person I can really talk to (and maybe be heard), is someone I have to pay. I came here today to share my low feelings and the first post I saw was yours. I don't have answers, but I thank you for the courage to post.

I know this is an old post, but I wanted to tell you that I can relate to everything you said. I feel bad for you because I know the pain you're going through. I could have written the same post myself. It's been a few months, I hope you're doing better now, even if just a little bit. I don't have any advice, except to say hang in there. Yeah, I know, that's not very helpful. But you never know when life might improve and you want to be there when it does. You can PM me if you ever need to talk.