JUST DONT KNOW TO DO *TW*

Hello and thanks for the time to read this. Its bad when you don’t have anyone to discuses your personal thoughts with, so U go to a forum with thousands of strangers and spill Ur guts.
I’m 62, the youngest of 4 boys, raised by single mom who loved to party with men and alcohol. I have fought depression for as far back as I can remember. After the Army I met a girl that changed my life for ever. We were married 35 years before her death. I worked for a Power Co. for 23 years before a accident that messed my back up leading to 20 surgeries and the medications. With the loss of my job, all the surgeries and the loos of my beautiful wife my depression was very bad. I made a very bad decision to sell the house and move 400 miles away from my 2 kids and their family to a place close to my brother’s. Over the last 10 years my depressions has totally assumed me. To where when I do get some sleep, I walk to my recliner and stay there till 10 pm and repeat this everyday.
I’ve tried every kind of anti-depression on the market and now take 2 kinds. I also have an internal pain pump (fentanyl) and I take a Oxycodone every 8 hours. For 17 years I have never abused any of this, as a matter of fact I was up to 5 Oxy’s a day and felt that was to much & cut myself down to 3 a day.
I fell 3 mts ago knocking my shoulder out & chipping bone. Was told surgery was needed, but the surgeon said because I had a Pain Management Dr. he would not give me anything for pain, so I need to talk to my P.M. Dr. Next visit with P.M. Dr. I told him of up coming surgery. He told me he was my WC. Dr. and cant treat my shoulder. I went forward with the surgery hoping I could deal with it, wow was I wrong!! I’ve had people tell me for years about weed helping for pain, but never touched it until shoulder surgery. It did help me get passed it, but I also noticed how just 1 puff of it really helped my depression and anxiety so twice a day I would take a puff. Well when I went for a pain pump refill, they ask me to do a pee test and it was positive of course. While I knew it was against the law, I had no idea it was a big deal when taking Rx’s. After 17 years of my Rx’s, I’m now on a at risk list in the medical community. I’m looked down on as a druggie. I stopped, but here comes the depression again and stronger.
After loosing my job, my wife, moved away from kids and taking this strong Rx for 17 years, my depression is where I don’t want to deal with life anymore. Actually planning it out and a target date. Knowing 1 puff could change this feeling. It hard to explain, but it’s like my life is so black & white and monotone. Take a puff and see colors in my life and my life is in stereo now.
WHAT THE HELL DO I DO???????? I know if this depression keeps up, it’s not going to end good. There have been times I caught myself really looking forward to the target date. I’m not looking for any empathetic, just some advise. There are all kind of plans for addicts who do the drugs for pleasure, but nothing for someone who really needs it.

Hi BLOCKAIDRUNNER,
I can only imagine what its been like for you and i completely understand you not wanting sympathy.
I havent lost a (husband) but i can relate to 2 of your situations and its hard to balance the pain and the grief and keep a strong mind (this is my battle too) among other things. and moving away from your children

I hope in time this site becomes more than strangers for you, i know online people (if i can use that word) are people you dont know in 3D but it can still provide support for you. (its helped me a ton) and they are all less strangers to me now. so i hope this gives you some comfort.

Welcome to the community

I know you say that you are not looking for anything "empathetic," but I do remember what my feelings were when I was depressed believing there was no "cure" for me. Advice? I say, seek help, still. Please talk to anyone and everyone who can help you. From therapist, to doctor, to friend or anyone who you feel comfortable telling this to. Hugs if wanted.

What I did was to have myself hospitalized. I went to the emergency room and they drove me to a facility where I was kept safe and given my medication. The solution was that I was able to make it through and see a better me. It didn't happen overnight, but it eventually happened. I want this for you. I want you to feel better soon. Can you seek to be hospitalized so that you are safe?