want to make some big changes....

im not sure if this is the craziness talking, or the depression, or whatever


but im very seriously considering leaving where i am now, moving in with my boyfriend (whom i just got back together with), quitting school, and getting married

instead , id find an office/regular job and prepare myself for some orchestra position jobs (this is what i always wanted to do, but i decided to go to another school and study something else to make more money)


i figure, i wont be alone then, he will be there to 'watch over me'

i will get out more

i will get back to my music and my original goal in life





but the neg.s

it will crush my parents

ill feel so guilty for all the money they have spent on me to attend this school and live out here

i wont make as much money

i feel like im wasting some ability that could of been put to good use

i will be relying heavily on my bf





am i just turning to this decision out of stress?

is this just a cop out?

or is this what i really want to do



its such a big move and decision, im not sure what the 'right' thing to do is anymore

HAHAHahhahahah


five minutes after writing this, i call him and he acts stupid and hangs up on me (which i hate)

then i try calling back , repeatedly, and he doesnt pick up (which i also hate)


once he finally picks up, im hysterical at this point , and instead of offering an apology or understanding or giving an explanation.... he says its MY fault and that IM acting annoying and crazy , then hangs up the phone again


so i sent him a message that that was the last time he will ever hear my voice



i mean, im desperate for someone to take care of me right now as i cant seem to take care of myself and dont even trust myself with myself (being alone) , but ###$ that $#%^

if you know i hate something, and you do it, guess whats gonna happen


DUH



what a ######6 idiot



anyways, this puts me in a more '###$' position (financially, emotional, support wise, etc....)

but frankly, i would rather be homeless and suicidal than deal with an ignorant disrespectful asshole







###$





oh, i forgot to mention how he's calling me over and over again now , and each time i just hang it up or turn off the phone entirely BWAHAHHAHAhahahhaahah


call me evil, but $#%^ like that makes me happy