It's not looking good for me

So I am 30 and feeling everything is over. Things are hopeless, I've cocked everything up and it won't get better.

I had a breakdown when I was 25 due to anxiety issues and moved home. Over the next 5 years I rebuilt until I went back full time. I started to have negative thoughts about the role I was in at the beginning of last year following conflict with my boss so changed role. The constant negative thoughts continued in this role and I just didn't find it distracted me. I only had the negative thoughts when I was carrying out tasks that formed 80% of the role - not outside of work although I had begun to do less on the weekends. I got into a situation I misread at work when I had a formal performance meeting a few days after telling my boss a family member had died. Stupidly, I resigned rather than carry on with the reasonable adjustments HR offered and that has made my depression worse. I got a temp admin role a couple of months later having switched from fluoxetine to mitaxapine, but my depression got even worse and I started feeling suicidal at work as the work wasn't busy enough to distract me. I went to the day hospital for 3 weeks but that didn't do much. My memory has been getting worse, I feel less motivated to do anything, my appetite has gone down and I can't even make myself wash. I get negative thoughts about how I handled things earlier this year all the time and frequently feel life isn't worth living. I have an appointment with a psychatrist tomorrow and the CMHT are looking into getting me rehoused but it feels too little too late.

I have been in a very similar situation. It is tough. Do you have activities you can look forward to doing each day? That helps me refocus my thoughts sometimes. Like I'll be upset and then try to focus on the movie that I'm going to go to tonight. Or the walk I'll take with my dog. Etc. It helps fI'll my brain with something so that my brain doesn't get to choose negative stuff.

I so understand where you are coming from.

I'm still battling my depression and anxieties, but it has been slowly getting better. Therapy that helped me was CBT. I found a goldmine on CBT exercises and I've been working trough them and slowly getting better.

I was in a place where taking a shower seemed the most impossible task in the world. THings that helped me was to break those small tasks into even smaller tasks. Like get out of the bed, walk to the shower, open the tap etc.