Sorry so long....

This is a little new to me, I normally suck up all the bad feelings and tuck them away. The problem is, I don't think I have anywhere left to tuck them.

I am now in a serious state of depression. I am not myself anymore, I don't go out or talk to friends anymore, I don't leave the house, I have no sex-life with my wife, and I am constantly looking for a new way to pick a fight with someone, anyone. The only positive thing in my life right now is my children and even they aren't enough to push me past this.

Let me backtrack a little. I think I have always had a problem with depression, though never this bad. I can remember hating my life when I was in sixth grade. Yeah I was that kid who got picked on and never learned how to defend myself until it was too late. I couldn't get girlfriends. I was smart, but so self-absorbed with the misery that I didn't concentrate on school. This behaviour lasted through high school.

After high school, I developed a "###$ the world" mentality, and believe it or not my outlook on life seemed to improve drastically, if not my life itself. I had a job, not a great one, but the bills were paid. Girlfriends were no longer an issue, I had my fair share and if i didn't, well you know.. ###$ it, it didn't matter.

I met my current wife when I was 24. I was in the best shape of my life physically and mentally. I went to the gym religiously and played many sports, all of which helped to maintain a good mentality about my life. I had a few dings on my credit due to stupid descisions, but overall everything was still ok. I hated my job, so I went back to school, earning an associates degree, this time with a 4.0 average. Amazing what I can do when I apply myself. But I couldnt afford to leave my job and begin this new career at entry level. It just couldnt happen. So I didn't pursue the job nor the bachelor's.

It was about 3 years ago that everything fell apart for me. I left my job suddenly, it was stressful and more a burden than anything, despite the decent pay. A couple of dead-end jobs later, I got on with a new company hoping for a chance at a specific position. Two freakin days before my insurance benefits kicked in, I tore my patellar tendon, one of the most serious knee injuries you can have.

I was devestated. Not only was I spending almost $20,000 on medical bills, but when all was said and done, the doctor said I would be lucky to walk without a limp, much less pick back up my active lifestyle. Two weeks after the surgery, on Valentine's day, my then girlfriend and I found time and somehow found a way to be together sexually. (sorry, it's relevant) I was soon told she was pregnant, as I am still laid up in a bed not able to walk, much less work.

I pushed myself incredibly hard in my physical therapy to regain flexibility, and did so pretty well. But I had to cut my therapy short due to lack of funds, and never really got the strength back in my leg. We soon found out that we were having twins. Believe it or not, though I was scared, it was something I had needed. I needed something positive in my life, something to make me want to get up everyday. Even with a group of family and friends who I know love me, I hated to wake up until I heard the news about my children.

So I finally get back to work, suffering through physical pain because I knew I had to. It was rough financially, physically....and the stress of 2 infant twins took its toll from time to time, but I have never loved anything as dearly as I loved, and love, those little girls.

We couldnt afford to buy a home, and we couldnt afford the rent in the area we lived, so my father went out of his way and used the equity in his home to buy us a house. It was a fixer-upper, for sure, but still. I spent the next 4-5 months working 10 hours a day, then driving an hour to work again until midnight at the house. During this time, I lived with my father and didnt see my children much. This was devestating, and totally unacceptable.

My dog, Angel, who was like another child to me, was lost during this time also. This was a devestating loss to me. I have never cried over a pet, but Angel was so much more than a pet. She was my first 'baby' and usually the only living thing I could turn to when I was down, as she was never judgemental, only loving. As I write this, I have tears on my face, she meant that much to me.

During this time, again, I find that my wife is pregnant....again. She had failed to inform me that she stopped taking birth control when we were not in the same house. I was furious. I was scared. The icing on the cake came soon after.

My current job, which was not perfect, but was a good job nonetheless, was lost due to her carelessness concerning my work's discount policy. I had stressed numerous times for her not to take advantage of certain things, but she always thought I was over-reacting, until I was fired for something I didn't do and had absolutely no knowledge of until afterwards. To this day, I am still bitter over this and haven't found a way to move on.

So now, present day. I have tried getting another job, closer to home. The pay was decent, but the work sucked and I couldn't remain positive, nor motivated. I quit. I am now trying to establish my own small business, but again I am feeling overwhelmed and clueless about how to proceed. We have no income and I can't get off my lazy ass to figure out what to do.

To sum it up, I feel worthless. I feel like a deadbeat dad, something I NEVER wanted to be. I'm not happy with anything, mostly me, and I lack the courage or motivation to find a way to fix it. I can see my problems, they are quite obvious. Some very bad luck sure, but stupid desicions have made things so much worse.

I have thought about death, but only in 'what if?' scenarios. Would my children be better without this drama in their life? Would they be better off with someone more responsible caring for them? Suicide isn't really an option, though sometimes I wish for death to come find me on its own. The thought of seeing my daughter's graduate from high school, or their prom night, these are the things that keep me alive and wanting to stay alive. Also, I'm not religious, so I have nothing to turn to in the form of spiritual guidance.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to stop hating myself so intensely. I am one month away from having a third child, and I can't even take care of the one's I have now. I feel like such a horrible person, because I honestly don't want another baby now. What the ###$ kind of person doesn't want his own son?? Please help me figure out what to do next, I don't have the answers anymore.

What the ###$ kind of person doesn't want his own son??

A person who wants to be able to do the very best for all his children it seems.


You have certainly had a hard time, but at the same time I'm a bit envious of your family. :^j

Don't give up, there are more/better jobs out there!

you ARENT a bad father, you just care soooooo much that its overwhelming you


many children dont have the privilege of having a father , such as yourself, who cares about them so dearly



i would say , turn your stress into motivation to turn things around (it's obvious you can be a high achiever)

but thats easier said than done


im sorry this $#%^ happened to you, but you have dealt with it amazingly , and that says a lot in itself about you

Thank you for the kind words. Today is one of my better days recently, so I'm not quite as down in the dumps.

The problem I'm having is, I know these things and I tell myself the same things all the time, but I just don't believe it. Kinda contradictory, I know, but it's like my brain knows it but my heart wont let me feel that way.

I think I need to seek professional help, but I don't know where to start or who to talk to.

what state do you live in? and do you still have insurance? there are many mental facilities that treat depression illnesses. the programs for short term in patient care normally last 3-5 days. But after reading you article it seems like you just need a little motivation and guidance, plus in patient care can add up to 800- 1000 dollars per day. unless you have insurance. My advise is to focus on the great things in your life such as your spouse and children. set yourself small goals as far as the workload and job career is concerened. forget about the past, just focus on what you can do to make yourself happy. I can tell by your conversation above that alot of your happiness and self satisfaction comes from pleasing your family. so figure out small ways in which to improve your familys well being, but do it in small steps. dont give up. its not as hard as you think. Your mind can be your biggest battle to overcome. dont sweat the small stuff. you have to tell yourself this. I know you get very down and may feel like one day if you just shut down and hide maybe someone or something will just miraculously make all of your problems dissappear. but its not going to happen. You are in total control. Everthing will get better. and the reality is that sometimes we just have to hit the very bottom and go as low as we can go, and this can make you a better person. theres no where to go from here except up. You have the advantage over millions of others, you have a loving spouse and children. they need you and you need them, theres your inspiration to do better. what else do you need.? theres nothing better in life to strive for than the love of your loved ones. it will get better. just take it slow day by day, and think about what you can do to make it work for yourself as far as employment and how to keep food on the table etc. and before you know it you will be back on top. as far as stress related issues. your always going to have it. its called being human, the trick to stress is how to deal with it and how to move on from one stress issue to the next, this you will have to pretty much deal with yourself. anyone can tell you how they think you can do this, but its really up tp you. what makes you happy? how can you get there? take small steps. there are so many memories youve got to coming with those kids that are going to be your biggest smiles etc. dont let the working enviroment overwhelm you we all have to work these days. but the most imortant thin is making memories with your loved ones, you will come to find out that this will be your stress relievers if you let them be. take care of your family. i hope something in this message turn on a light and you can prosper from it. god bless and good luck. if you need a freind, whicch i know you do, email me anytime. A patient of mine once told me " god will never give you more than you can handle or overcome."good luck on your bright cheerful future!

Your local health clinic, or a reg. doc, they could get you started.
Try you local county health center. You dont have to deal with all baggage by yourself.

Best thing is you are very self-aware. Of course you can tell yourself something everyday and not believe it.

But when someone helps you with rational thinking , and not the depression making you think, you will see that you beliefs can change. It is just a different thought process.

I wish you all the best.
Red