Depressed and nobody wants to help me *TW*

I am a mess, so please pardon the very long paragraphs. I have difficulty expressing my feelings and my paragraphs would feel as if they're coming straight out of a 19th century novel (a lá Dickens or Charlotte Brontë), so I apologize if I make things unnecessarily long. I'll try to minimize the filler as best as I can. To be honest, I'm not good at explaining things, but I'm better at getting straight to the point.

Originally, this was the first forum I went to before I transferred to *mod edit* where I would become an active member of the forum until November or December, where the forum started to die and activity was extremely low. Partly due to holidays and partly due to some issues regarding the election results. My original profile here was Erekose and I stopped using it because I found it pointless to use this forum when I already had *mod edit* . I know it sounds selfish and I'm sorry for that. Without further ado, let's begin:

I am an 18 year old (turning 19 two months from now) with Asperger's/Autism (diagnosed at 5; was nonverbal up until then) and I hated my life as long as I could remember, coupled with a possible depression and OCD (Obsessive-compulsive disorder) diagnosis when given the chance. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and home and because of my autism, I was rendered to be an asset to my parents, rather than their son. This was probably due to the fact that money has always been a problem for them and how they too grew up from dysfunctional families. My grandmother on my mom's side died last month and tomorrow will be the 1 month anniversary of her mother's death. My grandmother, having grown up during WWII, lashed out a lot of her anger on her children, forcing my mother to grow up. My mother would continue this behavior when she started raising a family with Dad. Come to think of it, it sounds rather embarrassing to say "Dad" the same way I said "mom." I just can't imagine them being my "mom and dad." My sister would also berate me constantly me and would call me "Autistic Hitler", which made me feel horrible about myself. In school, I was bullied constantly by peers and teachers and during Pre-k, one of the teachers was arrested for drug possession and child molestation. This bullying would later persist in grade school all the way up to high school (I had a strong Catholic school upbringing so it was pretty annoying to have to deal with praying and how God is so great, even though he hates everyone). Since the school I went to up in 2nd grade was shut down due to insurance fraud, my family and I moved to the suburbs in 2006. I went to a public elementary school from 3rd to 6th grade and also was bullied by teachers and students.

Because of my autism, I eventually became shunned so I had to take a speech/special-ed class to help improve my communication skills, yet even now I still have difficulty expressing myself and often make a lot of awkward pauses, which help me explain more clearly rather than spew out constant words like a typical, extroverted macho businessman with an ego the size of Mt. Rushmore. If any of you met me in real life, you'll pretty much say right off the bat that I act like a child due to my poor communication skills. Around 3rd grade, I had a tutor that helped me, but up until 5th grade, my tutor was replaced with another one that was cold, cruel, manipulative, and often made me feel that the world was out to get me. Come to think of it, the tutor was really for everyone. Strange. As I progressed during 5th and 6th grade from 2008-2010, the situation between my family got worse and worse. Taxes would be heavily imposed upon them and would often fight over nothing but money and relationships, since money is what makes the world go around. Not to mention, my situation with my teachers got worse as well since my 2nd tutor would often write lies about how I'm "such a bad kid" and "doesn't do his homework", etc. I often felt that the entire classroom and my teachers hated me because I was so different. If I said the f word during gym class and my tutor heard me, she would threaten to call my father so she had to make me apologize to my gym teacher and say to her that it will never happen again. She was eventually fired in 6th grade, but due to the abuse I suffered from my tutor, the school suggested that I should see a therapist and neurologist, which began my long, fulfilling journey of trying to fix myself together. Again, due to money and relationship issues, the fights began to swell up more and more until they decided that it wasn't enough to fight between each other, so they vented a lot of their anger on objects and eventually my sister and I as well.

After my mother and I got into a fight, even though she started it, she started crying and I got scared that I would get beat up by my Dad, since it's oh so bad to hit a woman, even though I never hit her in my entire life. My mom started manipulating my dad and tried to convince him to yell at me, which he eventually did and asked me if I hit my mother. Since my mother practically convinced him to the point that his mind is already fixed and there's nothing he can do to change it, I had to lie to them by saying yes since saying no would probably make them more angry and my dad charged at me and threatened to beat me up. He then threw me and the entire family was convinced that I was a monster, so my dad's best option was to send me to military school after calling me a "child" and a "failure." Those two words are still in my head to this day and I'm trying to wonder what he meant. By child, did he mean that I didn't want to grow up and take responsibility or that I acted too naive? By failure, did he mean I was unsuccessful or soon-to-be unsuccessful or that he was holding me back? Chances are it must've been the latter of those two because while I did try my best, I wasn't appreciated in the house by none other than my mom, who, despite everything, is what controls me the most. There's a saying in society that "men control the world, but women control the men." I don't see the world as my oyster and probably never will. My aversion towards leadership is what makes me a failure. My aversion to fit in the criteria of being this chivalrous son of a bitch is what makes me a child, whereas I see chivalry as bad because of the fact that nobody gives a $#%^ and how it's demeaning towards woman. As I progressed in middle school, I became more scared of everyone and everything and I was, you guessed it, bullied by teachers and peers. However, I managed to make a few acquaintances, but never any friends. I began to develop more anger and depression issues to the extent where I would have thoughts of harming others and myself. Around puberty, I became more sexually frustrated and conscious. On one hand, I began to develop thoughts of same-sex relationships and be attracted towards males and the other hand I began to develop thoughts of raping and murdering people (the latter being intrusive and part of OCD, of course. OCD runs in the family, but I've never had a pure diagnosis). At 14, due to the loneliness, I made a youtube channel and eventually became a member of a forum for two years where I would eventually gain the trust of the head admin, but also be treated like his plaything the same way my parents did, but also was the one that trusted me the most.

In high school, I developed the same stuff, but there were a lot more violent matters involved and due to the fact that the stakes were high and how my dad constantly threatened to send me to a school with black kids, I had to take the abuse this time rather than fight it. The more arguments my parents and I got into, the more often they would take aspects from my life and use them to spin it around. Typical private school stuff consists of the same shtick, yet, I realized that diversity isn't really important to anyone's life and that I could really care less about having a female or non-caucasian friend or whatever just so I could look cool by SJWs. I was never in the same #######4 teens my age were. I never had a lot of social media accounts and was more interested in my own world. Unfortunately, though, due to my depression, reading books and other important stuff became immediately halted, so I've practically slowed down to the point that I can't really concentrate properly because I'm so depressed, making me think that I have ADHD or something because I can't concentrate. When I went to my first guidance counselor appointment, I was really shy and my counselor took it to the account of trying to help me and understand what was going on in my life. I struggled to explain clearly to him about what was happening, but nothing seemed to have worked. Every year felt more like a struggle rather than a simple breeze, whether it be struggle for control, grades, etc. Everyone wanted me because I was different; because I didn't fit into the norm; because I was special, etc. "When in doubt, blame Will" as Will would say from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. In Sophomore year, I was sent an invitation to a leadership workshop and due to the pressure from school and family, I had to plagiarize on an essay just so I can get to the workshop. Of course, I also developed issues in other classes as well. When I was caught, I was put on "academic probation" and immediately fell into a deep depression or a stage of a deeper depression or something, idk. From then on out, I began to struggle with myself and my grades and the tension between my guidance counselor(s) and my parents began to worsen. My parents DID plan on sending me to a therapist, though that wasn't until August of 2014 when I started seeing one, though, unfortunately, that didn't help much either and I still had trouble expressing myself because of the conflict between my guidance counselor(s) and parents, especially since how my guidance counselor now principal threatened to report my dad to CPS (Child protective services), along with the fact that I didn't see a therapist sooner than later and how I failed geometry. Collecting video games was a big pastime for me, especially for the PS2. the PS2 played an important role in my life considering how it had the best video games of all time and how I planned on getting some rare RPGs like Persona 3 and Silent Hill games to help me with my depression, but I later wound up watching them on youtube instead. I was unable to get my license because of the conflicts in my family and school. I became suicidal and tried to attempt suicide for about 3 times and also developed intrusive thoughts to the point where they not only became about men and women in general, but also about children. I was trying to look up an iCarly ytp, but after accidentally typing *mod edit* (I never searched it or any links, but forgot what I was going to type and accidentally typed *mod edit*, which was the name of a hentai site, I was afraid that I was turning into a pedophile. I spent days in fear and how I wanted to die and even obsess to the point that in the worst case scenario of when I do write thoughts down (not about children, but about being gay towards men) about men and women in general and developing possessive and highly sexual relationships with them and future friends would find out about it, I would threaten to kill myself to rid myself from the world so that I wouldn't hurt anyone, despite the fact that I really don't want to at all.

Junior year began to worsen my life. All my teachers were terrible and I was at risk of failing 5 classes, which resulted in failing 2 (history and physics) due to some strategy and self-teaching skills I coped with for the remainder of the school year. I developed a lot of anger issues and isolated myself from the rest of the class. My dad forced me to do things I didn't want to because of his issues with my guidance counselor regarding control and eventually made me feel worthless. I went to a terrible private school in the Bronx for summer school and had to manage myself and my needs since my dad never really cared about cleaning up the house. He was too busy with his #######5 architecture job and his stupid golf and pseudo-intellectual antics (he still thinks Les Miserables was a good film, even though it was complete $#%^; he also likes I.M. Pei, but hates the Ivy Leagues). People say that you don't become an adult until you're 18 or 21, but I think that anyone is capable of being an adult if they take on adult responsibilities. As I went back to School for Senior year, a lot has changed. My grades have gotten better and I took care of myself more often by buying groceries and stuff, but I still wasn't able to take care of my mental health since health care is so ridiculously expensive nowadays. The conflicts with my family began to worsen to the point that I had to explain to my guidance counselor (I had two, so the first one who became principal was my counselor for freshman and sophomore year. The second was for the second half of high school) what was going on, since my mom threatened to report me to my counselor. With a knock on the door from Social Services, my mom decided to take me to see a psychiatrist up until October when finances and family struggles and deaths and stuff became an issue.

My dad would call me narcissistic and threaten to sue my psychiatrist over the money he and she payed for her and I eventually recorded and sent it to her, but due to the broken house and it's fuses, I wasn't able to charge my phone the night before they found out and when they did find out, they got upset and threaten to kick me out and call the police on me. And this was when I was commuting to community college, but due to the death of my grandmother and all the complicated $#%^, I had to drop community college, especially how it was so far away. Nowadays, I'm working in my mom's office and my mom keeps lying to me on how everyone thinks I'm a bad guy, while the medicine I was taking just ###$ up my psyche and body (risperidone, aripriprazole, and haldol were the worst medicines I took in my life) to the point of weight gain and sensitivity to body temperature. I was originally 6'2 and 200 lbs, but I was more or less big than overweight or fat. I later became 220 lbs, but due to some aversion to food and taking latuda, I think I lost some weight.

Around senior year of high school, I began to read lots and lots of articles because of how I had difficulty understanding how people worked and what potential candidates I wanted in a friend. I even had to research #######4 stuff like astrology and MBTIs (I'm an Aquarius and INTJ) to gain a better understanding of how people worked and how I could find them. I realized that I had severe social anxiety and also realized that getting people or dealing with people was more of a challenge and or a game rather than something normal people would do. Every conversation began to feel like a battle and with every battle comes with litigation, because of how America is so goddamn litigious. At an early age, I became extremely interested in the gothic subculture and other hobbies such as music, anime and manga, video games, books, etc. but due to the sheer difficulty and lack of being able to relate to others that I can't even find, I now depend on watching a lot of MLG crap and #######5 liberal stuff as well, since the fourth estate is dominated by pansy liberals. I began to overanalyze everything because I never understood what people wanted. My entire remainder of my life, or free time for lack of a better word or lack therof, is dominated by Counter Strike: Source and they are the epitome of what is terrible in a human being. I am ugly and I deserve to die. I am not intelligent and I am so depressed that I can barely do anything with myself. It takes a lot of courage to go out and deal with people everyday and more often than not they feel "fake" and my bluntness and honesty just makes me more "mean" when I'm actually not. The problem is though, I hate lying and the only people I've ever lied to were my family. With my depression worsening and no sight of future psychiatry, my parents think I’m going through more of a phase than I’m actually depressed.

Despite the fact that I have no friends, I do think I have a good personality when I’m around like minded people, but nowadays it seems that no one is interested in talking. Whenever I got into a discussion with someone online and try to engage with them, most of the time they would just withdrawal. Like, for example, if we were talking about Power Rangers and how great the shows or seasons were, we wouldn’t be actually engaging in anything. I know Power Rangers is a bad topic to talk about, but hear me out on this. Rather than talk about how goofy the armors look or how terrible the teenage soap opera melodrama is or how bad the movie is going to be, a lot of them it seems that people just nod their heads.

Because of my depression, I became xenophobic; afraid of new things and people because of how selfish and cruel the world is and how everyone is in it for the money. The education system is flawed and had I had better teachers, I could’ve gone to a really good school and have a better life. Want to know why Charles Dickens wrote overexagerrated sentences and overly hated characters? For money, that’s why. I cut myself and tried to burn myself and feel that I won’t amount to anything. I should’ve taken a gap year before I headed to community college, but no. My dad had to pressure me to go to college and commute, which didn’t work out at all. Now my mom, who I sent her a long text message from a link I’ll show to you (or if that doesn’t work, just find the *mod edit* topic and comment on that) and now she wants me to be a Nobel prize winning writer to the point where she becomes obsessive. She also said that a couple may buy the house and the mortgage would decrease, but also said while she left my room that she’ll kick the dog out because the dog was planning to run away. My sister also said that she wanted to die, but she said it in a psychotic way, not in a sad way.

Everyone in my family is a psycho. The reason behind the mystery of life is not to find the answers to everything, but to find something that won’t make you kill yourself.

I guess it goes to show that I don't watch or do a lot of fun stuff because I am too busy with work to the point that I don't want to waste my time, unless an authority figure told me to watch it. I'm not the type of person to jump in and watch a show because it's "fun" or "I feel like it." I also get bullied a lot online, especially in this Counter Strike server where we were playing Castlevania and I didn't know how to use the whip as Belmont and everyone was laughing at me because I didn't know how to use the whip.

I also have thoughts of wanting to be sexually dominated for some reason.

Can somebody please comment?

For ###$'s sake, can someone please comment?

I don't know why no one has commented. But I do have to share that I have, in the past, posted on the forum, and not a single person replied. This actually happened many more times than just once. It can and does happen. Don't feel bad because of that. Just post and see what reactions you get, if you get any. This is a great community of people who are here to learn and/or receive support.

I sometimes don't post because I felt I may say the wrong thing, or I didn't know what to say about the topic. Or I simply didn't want to post. There are a number of reasons why others don't post. Just try to be patient and you can take a look at others posts here and throughout the entire forum and decide to participate or not. I do, with all I have said, hope someone replies to your post.

From experience I also found that long posts make it less appealing for others to comment, I'm afraid :/

Did you respond in other people's threads by the way? Because that also helps – they feel you're having a discussion with them, rather than a monologue.

But the depression forum is quite unique in this aspect as well. We're, well, depressed. We're not really chatty and social. So unfortunately there's a lot of posts that don't get many responses, and many members that don't respond to others. Because we're depressed. It's not personal.

Big hugs if wanted.