Search Engines and Depression

I expect there's at least one pedantic person on here, so if you're that person, I welcome you to move this post to a more proper forum so you can get that fleeting high. Unless there's no post-moving on here. Then: moot point.

Now, I'll try to make this post short - 'short' as far as my posts go at least - as I have a much larger post in the works. Since *mod edit* answers are infused with hostility, superiority, or covert aggression over the most harmless of questions, I figure I'd have a go at a potentially, slightly (again, keyword: slightly. I find forums like these can be just as hostility-soaked and averse to your mental health despite operating under the banner of claiming to want to help that very specific thing.) less judgmental forum where I can ask a question without immense shame....mind you, which is a HUGE portion of my depression lately (shame over help; question asking--even when the venue would call for it. I ask questions, but not with the ease or comfort that others might, and I'm a one-man island eating myself alive by being caged in my own head what seems like 80% of the day.). I'm sure there are just as many intelligent people on here that have insight into matters like these.

I'm going to ask two things in this post; not fully answerable with objective data or anything, but it's worth putting in for a new perspective. One: why the hell are search engines so bad today? --This, of course, being the less psychologically-related question...and perhaps not fully suited for this forum, but interconnected with the content of my post all the same.-- I've harped and obsessed over this so, so much lately. Rarely do I see the keywords that I enter match anything in the realm of what I wanted anymore. It's a deeply weird brand of loneliness when your particular line of thinking only returns '1' result. There was a time when I can remember finding sentiment, thoughts, phrases that eerily match my own.

OR: Why do you think the questions I'm wanting answered are so esoteric? This is the larger issue at play here, and I still seem to harbor massive amounts of questions even at my age of 28 (I have knowledge about plenty, but yet paradoxically so little---this makes me feel childlike; I feel childlike for even posting on a forum like this where I seem to have far outstripped the demographic. A lot of 'teens in crisis' and all of that, but whatever confluence of magical/selective thinking/unconsummated fears/displacement/mental gymnastics/hindersome precocity have given me this ongoing Aspergerian-like deferred adolescence has been lingering - lingering to the point where I snap and end up in situationally inappropriate instances like this where I'm bidding for answers and direction in a way that a troubled youth might, only my neuroses have crept back up in cycles and have never been fully tackled properly. Curious how I've contradictorily concocted an alternate reality and have eschewed adult responsibility but also have had, for some time, the same deeply jaded but composed mentality required for quote unquote maturity. Surely I'm the oldest person here, adding to that lonely feeling of singularity over my circumstances.). Anyway, so it's all the more distressing. Plenty of loose ends to tie up yet still, all tying in with these bizarre bouts of surreality I have that extend beyond the usual surreal: in the absence of a belief of any kind of spirituality, God, etc. I'm privy to seeing less order in the world due to the unfortunate fact that I do not have that validating narcotic called religion, in my life. But, add potential chemical imbalance into the mix and life's a perpetual David Lynch film (has been for some time), but has become notably much, much, much more unforgiving, dark, cynical with the advent of adulthood and all of its deafening epiphanies. Horrible epiphanies, when you carry my particular beliefs well into your 20's. Dark, dark ######6 squalor. I'm still unceasingly shocked by the terror of adulthood.

So, the depression stems from the feeling of loneliness that comes from seeing that few people think the way that I do, don't have the same burning questions I do about the same aspects of life. Also, it stems from knowing that there's not quite the bounty of resources like a I remember in the early 2000's, which I consider a better time for finding whatever I needed, and in great abundance. BUT I'll submit that I simply was more optimistic in the past and saw had an inflated view of the variety of help or the vastness of cult interests to connect with out there. Because of the dog-eat-dog nature of people who relish at the opportunity to attack vociferous inquirers, because of my fear of letting people see too much of my authentic self, the internet has made me become this self-contained unit - and [I'm] suffering as a result - that subsists on its not apparently diminishing 'trove' of informational resources that have helped attempt normalcy in some ways. Again though, it's failing in this regard. Certainly I do not expect the internet to tailor itself to my every permutation of thought, but search engines...people by proxy, are leaving me in the lurch; exacerbating my confusion. Sowing more unwanted ambiguity in my life that adds to the Truman Show-esque paranoiac parade that has become my life.

I mean I know people exist out there with similar lines of thought, but my 'complex' (I wince every time I say the word), intrinsically peculiar way of thinking appears to. A book will pop up occasionally, or I'll have a conversation every blue moon that elucidates, articulates all that I've been dwelling on, but how that magic occurs I have no idea. Again, fully concede the internet can give one a warped perspective (and it HAS in some regards. The internet has given me tons of cognitive dissonance further adding to this certain-but-confused worldview I have), but it's also sometimes an accurate reflection of a segment of society, and I don't understand the odd absence of discussion of things that I don't in any way consider to be clandestine...thought was more prevalent. Is it mostly just the search engines that suck? I use search boxes like they're another muscle, although nobody I know seems to have quite the crippling reliance on search engines.

I see that my post contains typos, but I'm unable to edit my post for whatever reason.

And for anyone struggling to see the correlation between the things I mentioned, or need more brevity: in short, part of my self-esteem is tied to knowing that my thoughts are not altogether outlandish, bizarre..and combing through the internet leaves me hollow mostly; not like I remember. Also, as I mentioned I am losing optimism over the now flimsy catalogue of self-help information that doesn't smack of generic platitudes and actually contains that now apparently harder to find combo of reason and compassion.

Anyway,...this is but a drop in the bucket as far as the totality of my problems are concerned. This was just one microcosm of an overarching, grander conflict. Hopefully this is the kind of venue where you can release thoughts 'in volumes' if you need to.

There is only a short timeframe to edit your post when you first type it out. Otherwise, we only allow other editing to be done specifically for the sake of privacy issues.

That's fine. Didn't bother me. More interested in just hearing a response, period.

I have read your post, but as usual, I'm a bit bleary-headed, so I'll just attempt a few replies.

I'm 58, so my intellectual development was pre-Internet. As such, I know too little about the technicalities of search engines to really answer your question. I am an obsessive Googler and Web browser and have found some very interesting and relevant ideas and thinkers on the Net. "Hits" are few and far between, years apart maybe, but as much as I lament the loss of the "vibe" of the old days giving way to the "cold, happy, creepy, shallow sterility" of the Net, I'm sure I've benefited from it.

I think I've come close to the effective tone of what ails me, and I'm grateful for that, but I still think my angst, like everybody else's in the final analysis, is unique, and isn't likely to pop up, exactly, on a Google result.

Like you, I was very, very alienated my whole life, and still am. So if you haven't already, you might want to read up on alienation. I personally recommend deep reading as opposed to screen skimming. (I suspect the meaning of "reading" has undergone a significant semantic shift in the last generation or two. But other people may not agree, and, they could be right.

It sounds like you've got something called "racing thoughts". I think I have those too, and I think they're an ADHD symptom. (No, I'm not "diagnosing" you, just suggesting a lead to self-understanding and self-help.)

Other than being very cerebral and verbal, like I am, the big picture of what ails you is still pretty murky to me. I think even though I was alienated and isolated at 28, I still had "my dream that filled me with wonder". So at this point, I'm not sure what to offer you. I find some consolation and hope in ideas, philosophy, film and fiction. If you're interested you can take a look at my blog.