Low self esteem & positivity makes me uncomfortable

Hi everyone

I have always had low self esteem since i was a young child and I always feel like im not good enough or that im stupid and worthless and I feel like a burden to others that i deserve nothing and am more trouble than im worth, I always have had a bad relationship with my dad and he was emotionally abusive (sometimes physically) and has a hard time controlling anger. I see a psychologist and we are working on my self esteem but i hate it she tries to prove to me that im not stupid and it makes me feel horrid I hate it trying to be happy and positive and to like myself make me feel very uncomfortable and when other such as my friends and psychologist say im not stupid or that i did a good job i resent them and think they are full of #######4 and I think I like being negative it feels normal and I feel silly trying to be positive and doing all that positive self talk Erhgh it makes me feel real bad and I just find happiness and optimism in general to be irritating i know i should be positive but i cant do it and i dont deserve it, i have spent so long hating myself that i cant do anything about it and its not going to work. For years everyones been telling me to be positive but i cant do it it just isnt me. I really dont enjoy going to my psychologist appointment i just cringe the whole way through and feel bad and awkward and I dont want to feel like I do but I feel if i felt any other way it would be wrong. i also have a difficult time talking about my strengths and feel stupid if i say or think something is a strength of mine. My self esteem and general unhappiness is causing me so much trouble its stoping me doing my assignments i will sit down and try yo do them but i physically cant think of what to write and i have a mental block and spend the rest of the night crying about how dumb i am i also get angry very easily and I take it out on others and if i feel bad im mean to others and It makes me feel better and I know thats bad.

sorry for the rant

Hi Alec29,
I think it's natural just to "be who you are" even in terms of feeling the way you feel. That you feel negative. It is normal for others to try to get you to think more "positive," but it sounds like you're happy just like you are. Thinking "positive" will come naturally and that will be a part of who you are whenever that times comes. You can't force someone to feel something if it's not there. I think you should tell your psychologist how you feel so they will just quit that "positive" talk that is annoying to you. You are not at that place yet.