tonight 5-6

today i managed to get to work; a coworker tried to have a go at me (seeing im the 'easy target' since i never complain) but i got very vigilant and put her in her place immedeately

i felt so awkward afterwards, i ended finding her and hugging her and saying i was sorry for yelling at her and that i was having a rough morning (even though i was clearly aware of the fact that SHE wronged ME, but i could care less about being 'right' when it comes to being comfortable at work)


i did well at work, then came home, played my violin for a couple hours


then i played with the bunny


then i broke down.... called the ex (of nearly 3 weeks now), he got into a car accident yesterday which had me acting nice towards him (and my girlfriend instincts kicked in, damn )
well, i called him a lil while ago, started crying about how lonely i am and that i although i hate what he did and find his behaviour for the past couple weeks abominable, i missed him and needed to feel the closeness again , wanted to see him

despite being broken down, im still hard headed enough to not go down to see him (even though im desperately lonely and miss him so much)
and he of course has his car totaled, which is his excuse for not being able to come here (he can take a ######6 bus, train, rental... whatever... but he's too work obsessed)

anyways

then i called my mom , now this is a rare event

cried to her , another rare event

and she actually gave me sympathy, an immensly rare event

she even said she would come see me right now, or tommorow if i wanted


but the (######6 stupid) logical side of me said 'no, i have a midterm to complete and will not be able to focus with her around'

despite my emotional and mental and 'spiritual' being in desperate need of company and care



oh, i forgot to mention, as soon as i started with the hysterics /crying, i took my klonopin.... its about half an hour or so later and im feeling better now

but damn, very lonely


my mom is hilarious (in her own annoying way), she says 'you need to dress cute to school, wear cute shoes and purses and tight jeans so guys will notice you for more than just a classmate and token nerd-chick.... go study in the library so at least you have the CHANCE of someone talking to you'



ok, im terrible in social situations... when alone

im very awkward and 'shy' and try to avoid one on one contact as much as possible, especially with the opposite sex

and the type of guys that DO come up to me are always , and excuse my lack of a better term, 'ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!'

basically, the ones with no shame


oh, and lets not forget that 6 year relationship, yeah



im going to give myself the benefit of the doubt and attribute this mostly to pms

I wouldn't talk to your ex anymore. From what I've read about that relationship, sounded like it was abusive and dysfunctional and will only make you feel worse in the end. I've been in the same sort of situation but with normal friendships instead of a romantic relationship. End up feeling bored or socially lonely, hang out with them for a night or week or so, then end up feeling like $#%^ because they treat people in their lives like $#%^. It's just not worth it. I figure if they want to use & abuse, I will just remove myself from that situation so they can't.

You shouldn't have to dress "cute" to attract guys either. Dressing that way attracts guys that are attracted to that sort of thing. If thats what you want then go ahead, but it's usually pretty superficial. Also my experience in the library is people don't want to talk, they want to study...or at least thats why I go there.

Not sure what comforting words I can offer except you are not entirely alone. Many others like you out there, especially on this forum willing to offer support. I can not relate entirely to your plight since I lack some of those experiences and I do not feel the sense of loneliness very much even when I spend weeks and months without casual social/physical contact except with my family who I hate. When loneliness does surface though, I try to use it in some constructive way. Such as getting something done or taking that feeling to help improve my social skills.

very awkward and 'shy' and try to avoid one on one contact as much as possible, especially with the opposite sex

Yup, same here.