I feel like a burden, I hate myself & have no idea what I'm

Hi everyone I'm not sure if I posted this in the right section, sorry

Im not sure why im here tbh but i have always had very low self esteem i was bullied as a kid and sometimes still am, my father was and is emotionally abusive (physically a few times but not serious) and I have always never been good enough no matter what the circumstance, most of the time i hate myself im a burden to the people around me and i cant talk to my friends about issues because i feel like they dont care and only want me around for comedic relief i even feel like this when i go see the school therapist and my psychologist. I am always angry and stressed and i take it out on other around me and im a horrid person and everyone would be better off if I wasnt around them im a burden in every sense of the word and often think what is the point in living or doing anything, one day we will die and everything we have ever done, said or thought will cease to exist (im not suicidal). I went through a rough patch for a few months and got diagnosed with depression by my GP but it went away after a few months and the psychologist doesn't think im actually depressed, my depression comes and goes i'll be fine for a week or a month and then boom all of a sudden im depressed i hate myself even more and i cant stop crying and hating myself, this lasts from a few hours to days and it comes and goes sometimes it happens days in a row for a few hours and my physiologist wants me to try and be more positive and show myself compassion but i cant do it and i dont deserve it and iv tried but i have spent so long hating myself that i cant do anything about it i can try but its not going to work and i find all that i love myself and cheesy be positive stuff to be rubbish and I cant do it. For years everyones been telling me to be positive but i cant do it it just isnt me. I also have extra life stress and body issues after realising i might be transgender and am in the process of transitioning. I have also been having some symptoms that my doctor believes may be anxiety, im just sitting in class, or eating at home or at lunch at school or in my room and all of a sudden it feels like someone is choking me or has their hand tight around my throat i know logically i can breathe but it is unpleasant and everything up head,neck etc gets tight and uncomfortable and i sometimes feel nauseous and worried.I dont know what is going on and i dont like it.

Sorry its so long

Hello,

I am not sure if you used the word psychologist by accident or is it correct, but (at least in my country) a psychologist is not qualified to diagnose – that would be the work of a psychiatrist.

My first depression looked exactly how you described. In particular, it would come and go. It took me a year to seek help because somehow I always thought when it goes away it will never come back. That was a wasted year of my life. I was eventually put on an antidepressant when I sought help and I got so much better it's unreal.

I'm kinda upset about the idea of a psychologist advising you that the way to stop being depressed is "to try and be more positive" so I won't comment on that as it's against forum rules to disagree with a medical professional. I would, however, suggest you seek a second opinion, ideally from a psychiatrist.

Big hugs. You're going through a LOT. Please keep us updated, okay?