Depression whenever I'm not around children *TW*

I'm 29 years old, and was diagnosed with asperger's when I was 26. I've had major depression all my life, and every coping mechanism has ceased to work, and my last resort is close to coming in the form of the rope I have in the back of my car.

Ever since I was 18 years old, I had an unusual interest in being a friend and mentor to children, to the point where it became an obsession, and eventually to the point where not being around kids in a care taking role such as a camp counselor makes me majorly depressed, and gets to the point where I have to find something else to obsess over in order to distract myself from it, because I can't talk about this with anyone.

As far as dating and relationships are concerned, I'm gay, but I don't believe in having sex outside of a committed relationship, and since I have no desire for romantic relationships, I decided long ago I was going to live and die a virgin, because I'd just be using another man like a cheap piece of dirt as I don't care about them romantically or have any desire to form a relationship.

I tried to become a teacher, and worked really hard, but my autism made it impossible for me to do anything beneficial for the profession besides guide and help the children with their emotional needs and be their friend, so I couldn't finish my internship because I lost the passion as I learned that being a school teacher is not a way to find a safe place to be around kids in a non-stressful setting.

The greatest joys of my life involved being a camp counselor, but I simply cannot afford to do it more than 2 weeks per year, because the full time summer camp counselors only get paid less than 200 dollars per week, and I have too many debts to pay off, and wouldn't be able to find a job that I can just do for 9 months, quit, and then come back each year. I really enjoy playing games with the kids, helping them solve their emotional issues such as being angry and constantly homesick, and getting them ready for bed reading stories to them after lights out. I'm the most requested counselor of the repeat campers each year, and have had several parents tell me their child looks up to me like a hero and wants to be like me.

This past year, I was a counselor for 2 different sessions, and had 2 different groups of boys back to back, and as soon as camp was over, before flying home, I was contemplating just ending my life right then and there because I knew as soon as I got back home life would be miserable and I'd be going through motions not really happy to be where I'm at. When I wasn't working after I got back, I spent all my time in my room crying in my pillow thinking about how I want to die, because I can't wait another year to have similar experiences, just to be teased when the kids are picked up and taken by their parents, and then I'm right back to where I started.

Over the years since I was around 20, there was usually something I could find to base my entire energy off of to distract me. It was usually I would get involved into sports and knowing the ins and outs of my teams and basing my values around that. The past year or so, I also spent several days gambling at the casino that was near me to distract from my pain and trying to get the high of winning money, but I was not doing well there, so I gave up on gambling. This election, I've been obsessing over politics and learning about each candidate and becoming a source of information on political science. I've lost some of the few friends I had though over political arguments. I was a Cleveland, Ohio native, and the last thrill I had was when the Cavaliers won the NBA finals. The Indians are in the World Series now and I tried to celebrate and act like it's a big thing to me anymore, but I feel really no thrill or joy anymore. This election will end soon and I'll be back to not really caring as much as I won't be able to engage many others into arguments and heated discussions over politics much.

Whenever I go out in public anymore, and I see fathers and sons doing things or kids playing games and sports, I have to turn away and not look or else it will make me have to go away and private and tear up and then ruin the rest of my day.

I'm a major for a master's in information technology software development now, because I need a career with a lot of money, but dealing with as few people as possible, and sometimes I don't even have the energy to get my homework done and distract myself with academic studies like I used to be able to do.

I've been applying so far to maybe work as a dorm parent at boarding schools for boys starting next year, because I want to be in a role of being able to take care of kids in place of the parent like I do at summer camp and help them with their school and spend quality time. I've received no responses to my applications submitted so far.

I used to take medications for depression, but I still am trying to get financial assistance for a 7 thousand dollar medical bill for when I was tracked down and taken to the hospital for public Facebook posts about how I was going to be ending my life. I got outpatient services, but quit taking my medications and going back to my counseling, because I don't even know what to say to a counselor anymore, because they can't help me unless they can change my life situation, and I don't need pills, because when I'm at camp with my kids I'm not depressed, so that means that the only reason I'm depressed is because my life situation, which is nothing a pill can fix.

I have a rope in the back of my car that each day I tell myself the next day could be the day I use it, and I'm also looking at some less painful suicide options as well, because I realized I'm never going to be happy. Even with these programs where they ask you to help kids with math and stuff like I do, it doesn't bring about much joy because I'm not taking care of them in a mentoring role like I want to.

People in society fear guys that want to take care of kids and that are good with kids. For that reason, I can never live out my dreams no matter how innocent they are and how helpful they are to children. I realize I'm not the ideal friend for kids over people their own age, and don't ever place that expectation on them, but just enjoy when they look up to me, and when they come to me because they need me to help them or need someone to talk to. Nobody ever did that for me when I was a kid, because I wasn't in a family with poverty. We seem to need to allocate all of our resources in society to kids in poor families, and if the kids are in a wealthy family, we brush them aside as if they don't have any real needs and problems, so we just take the attitude like they have parents with money, so they can fend for themselves. I lived years with parents who weren't even in love, a dad who didn't commit to his family and children, and schools that didn't have the help and volunteers because we were white kids in the suburbs and didn't need all that extra stuff. Whenever I want to help in schools or as a mentor, they wanna put me with a kid who they feel needs extra support just because his mom and dad are poor, and those are the only kids they have in the system.
I don't know anything about living in poverty, I can't relate, and can't be used to help ease the pain of poverty. They never seem to have children that are living with emotional issues and need someone to relate to them on that, unless it is related to poverty.

I can't live this way anymore. I don't get along well with peers much. I'm an Uber driver and that's my only income, and people sometimes rate me low because I'm not a social talker regardless of having the cleanest car in the world, having mints, water, and phone chargers for them to use, and getting them to their place safely. I don't wanna talk to people anymore because they just don't get it. I don't want to go out to bars and meet people. I don't wanna to go meetup groups to make friends. I don't like my peers. I don't wanna be around them. I have friends who are adults, but that's when I see them as real, authentic people who wanna do more than just talk for the sake of talking. I hate socializing. There's only one thing on my mind that makes me happy, and it cannot be done in this universe. I sometimes think maybe if I were to die and life after death existed, I can live in my own world like summer camp and take care of kids for all eternity.

What's probably crossed your mind is, I don't really seem like the kind of person with the kind of attitude that should be guiding and caring for our youth. While most of the time I would agree, when I'm around kids in a situation where I could be happy, I'm a completely different person. At camp, I only do adult karaoke one day of the week after bed because I like to perform, but that's it. I'm invited to others, but I pass because I'd rather help put the kids to bed and read to them. When I'm in my environment of looking after children, I am probably one of the kindest, most confident leadership types you'll ever meet. It's when I come back home and get into normal society that I'm depressed, angry, hateful, and suicidal.

My mom and others keep asking me what's wrong because I can't even hide from them that I'm upset and wanting to die anymore, even though I don't tell them. I just tell them nothing and ask them to stop asking me because whatever problems I have I don't wanna talk to them about it, because they can't fix it even if I did talk to them about it. Nobody can fix it. Nobody can help me.

JackM678 wrote:What's probably crossed your mind is, I don't really seem like the kind of person with the kind of attitude that should be guiding and caring for our youth. While most of the time I would agree, when I'm around kids in a situation where I could be happy, I'm a completely different person.

No, to me, you have the right spirit to be caring for kids, no problem there.

Herbal and vitamin supplements for depression. Might be worth a look JackM678, and also keep distracting the mind with activities big or small. Embrace the spiritual feelings of nature, that's what I'm doing. I hope you manage to put an end to these suicidal depressions once and for all.

Take very good care.

The past few months I've been working at a daycare center and like it, although it's not the scenario I had in mind.

I work with some older kids, but it's not really like camp. There are some drawbacks of the job, such as cleaning messes and changing diapers, but I do feel much happier though.

I'm trying to apply to boarding schools to be a full year dorm parent, because I think I'd be happier there, but no luck yet.

Well I just want to let you know that my favourite teacher once told me that he enjoyed being with kids much more than being with his colleagues and he was energized by the presence of kids. He was a well liked efficient teacher, so best of luck!