Depression and Religion

So I really need help right now. I am an atheist, or at least I have been for a LOONG time. I went years feeling great, the world was opening up to me. Rationalism and logic were giving me enlightenment and understanding of the world, until this "depression" hit. I now feel a constant greyness and a sort of rotten feeling of hopelessness. I feel like I'm trapped in a small grey cosmic cage, and that there is NOTHING beyond the stars, that it's just a huge concrete wall that extends for infinity, and that one day I will be locked in this small room chased and tortured by darkness forever. I honestly feel horrible and I literally have nothing I can do to solve this except for temporary distraction. Science and reason use to be my friend, until I hit a block and now my mind just says that all information and all science, and the dimensions of the universe are all the same. There is no boundary from one moment to the next, we are just atoms and the atoms don't exist, therefor we don't exist. I am simply nothing, and nothing is everything. My brain hurts when doing this.

I have recently been forced to turn to something like religion to hold onto. I know this sounds odd but from an atheists perspective, I have no idea what to believe. The creation of the universe sends me in infinite and pointless circles and I just need something to end it. Religious people are heavily judged where I live, and I am afraid to follow God for this reason, but my beliefs are changing and I feel tied between a lack of solid evidence of god's existence and a need and desire for guidance from something beyond the universe. I'm sorry that this post is all over the place but I've been suffering from this horrible feeling for about 4 months on and off now, switching every couple days from happy to sad to angry to excited, and it is draining me beyond my abilities. Thanks for anyone who reads and responds.

A topic close to my heart.

During my most difficult moments I do turn to God. I have gotten many depressions before. Currently I am stable. Religion helps me to turn to "something" that I believe helps me and it's like I have this faith that everything will be ok because I am in desperate need and God wants the best for us. Then there is the logical me that also knows that I must have medication to have me well.

Thank you very much for responding. I alternate between my belief with God. However I feel his warmth and love, and I feel like he is the only thing I can absolutely turn too. I am an extremely bizarre person in this way, and I feel a slight guilt for alternating beliefs like this, but I am aware of his tolerance and his acceptance of us, in all our varieties. His absolute beauty that arts and society channel make me feel closer to the heavens and the cosmic peace that I so painfully desire. To be peaceful and stable, like the moon. Wonderful works of art and music distract me from the pit of darkness that engulfs my psychology.

I've engaged rather deeply in philosophy, and through my misadventures I've learned that no matter how much I deny the existence of a divine guardian of my mind I will always be running back towards the concept. There's simply no way, the universe is too infinite and vast, which plummets me into a deep crushing depressive episode.

Sometimes I wonder if God manifests himself to us differently. If I were to believe him to be the sun, perhaps he is the sun, as he takes that form and allows me to see him as such. Or perhaps the stars and the cosmic forces watch over all of us, peacefully suspended for eternity above our heads. Or perhaps he is the very matter that surrounds our psychological fortress of the mind. I'm not sure, but what I do know is that his ever-present love breaks through all barriers for me and that's something that I am extremely thankful for. Even in the case that there is nothing but black emptiness, I know I am capable of believing his existence as we exist alongside each other (Sentient life and God), to love, and I don't see any flaw in believing in something to love.

As for medication, if I am able to help you make a decision on this, it is purely scientific and side effects should be taken into serious consideration. Our drs will know what to do if they're decent, and God or Gods (As I am completely unable to deny the existence of Pagan or Hindu gods alongside ours), would continue to be tolerant of our decisions, especially if it is to alleviate pain. Sorry about a long and quite frankly weird response but I hope I helped in some way as these thoughts helped me, and again I am very thankful for your response.