I want to die.

Hi everyone,

I haven't been on in ages. Things have taken a turn for the worst and to be honest, I just want to die. I am so sick and tired of everything. I am tired of feeling depressed and alone. I am tired of feeling insignificant and worthless. I am tired of meaning nothing to anyone. Nobody cares about me. They really don't. I just seem invisible to other people. Another friendship has fallen apart on me in which I was used and taken advantage of. I am just sick of this damn life. I am sick of trying and I am sick of being alone. I pray but there doesn't seem to be anyone listening to me.

I'm just tired of it all. None of this is worth it. I just need someone to listen. I just need you to hear me. I have feelings. I hurt. I am in pain. I can't get through this on my own. I don't why I'm still here.

Forget it.

stokes

stokes?

Whats up? I have hit a rough patch too but I am pulling myself through it. If you were kind to someone and they took advantage of a wonderful person like you. screw them. I dont care if you think they are your friend or not.

I want to know you are all right. I just went thru 16 days of an on going migraine that has now finally stop, I keep holding my breathe that this demon of head pain is going to come back but so far so good.

Before that I cant say I thought I had a lot of pain. But by this last sunday, I was were ready to give in, it took all my energy.

I dont know how I did it. Lot of people were thinking and praying for me. I will send everything I got your way. You can go through this rough patch with me.

I hear you, I care. I think you are an interesting person, and I like to read your posts.

so there! <razzberry>
red

Hi rubystar/ Hi Red,

Thank you for replying.

I keep telling myself that this will pass but I am miserable at college because of the break-up of this friendship. I feel very hurt and alone. The person that I was friends with just used me and had actually no respect for me. She would tell me all her problems and talk about herself non-stop. I could barely get a word in. Even when I did, she would interrupt me as though I hadn't been talking at all. When she didn't bother to go to lectures, she would just take mine. Half the time she didn't even ask, she would just assume that it was her right to take them. When others were around, she would dump me and/or forget about me. So I got sick of it. I tried to take a stand against what she was doing. She got really mad and started spreading rumours about me to our other friends, exaggerating the story as though I had done something wrong. They weren't real friends either because they believed her straightaway and never asked me my side of the story.

I know that this is partly my fault. I let it get out of hand. I didn't assert myself. I let her walk all over me. I did it again. How do you have meaningful relationships in your life and why do I keep attracting these type of people? I always end up getting hurt. I hate the fact that I cannot stand up for myself and that people treat me as a soft touch. I don't want to be in a friendship like that again. She was a manipulative, selfish, insecure person who only cared about herself. But I allowed myself to be used and abused. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of.

I am so upset over it all and I'm just sick of it. I don't think that she was ever my friend. She used to be very jealous and controlling. She didn't even like me having any other friends. Why did I continue to be her friend when she treated me like that? I didn't heed the warning signs.

I feel so down over it. I suffer from depression anyway but it is worse this time because I actually have a reason. Sometimes I get depressed for no reason and I can't understand why.

stokes

stokes,
JMHO okay?
You need to realize that your depression is not something that you can just check in at the door. Lifes everyday road is bumpy. add depression to it and that bumpy road can become more difficult to say the least.

The times you dont see the there is a reason to feel rotten or down it the depression, add feeling used and hurt and blaming yourself is depression like times 4.

You seen the signs, you let it happen, I am sure you like this person very much. So you tolerated it. I think college is hard one anyone. Next time you are in a new friendship, establish boundries early you will quickly learn who is good and bad for you.

I like you too much to say that you should get in a friendship with someone who is bad for you, unhealthy and not be able to respect you as a person with normal healthy boundries.

I know what it is like to lose someone you like very much.
It friggin hurts, like its never going to stop.....
But I urge you for your sake stokes, please.... from some point in the near future, stop taking it out on yourself , see that it is depression that can easily make you tolerate disrespectful behavior towards yourself.
You just have to set those boundries early. and it starts a friendship off openly. The depression is always there, you have to remember this and be aware of you tendancies.

Please blame yourself. I really want you to work on that

The great thing about life is that you have the right to change your mind at any time about anything.
I set my rules for my friendships and and love relationships first.
It helped me. I know it help you. you are worth it!

red

Heya,


You can learn from all of this and avoid it the next time it happens. You and I both know that hurtful people like her exist in this world; In fact they are quite commonplace. This is unfortunate but it's true and we just have to know our limits and learn to avoid them if things get too much for us.


I'm not sure where you are from but here, in Ireland, the suicide rate is quite high. It is one of the highest in the world in fact. Indeed, I know of two people that have already killed themselves and many that that have tried to. The culture here doesn't help that fact of course.


Anyway, wherever you are from, please remember that this is not the end for you. It can be a great beginning to something better in life. Just, hang in there my friend because there is something great out there for you if you can just tweak some things in your life and get back on track.


Take care,
Kevin

Hey guys,

Thanks for your replies and support. I appreciate them. Kevin, I'm from Ireland too. I am aware of the horrendous suicide rate in this country. It is a terribly sad tragedy that so many people die like that.

I guess that I just feel used. I don't think that I will actually commit suicide but I do feel very hurt and hopeless over this. She sickens me. She strolls around as though butter wouldn't melt and even asks me how I am. I find it hard to be honest about how I feel. I should tell her where to go but instead I smile and say that I'm fine. I hate when I do that.

Rubystar, I didn't know that she might have a histronic personality. All I know is that she is manipulative and twisted and I want to stay as far away as I can from her. I feel like I have been treated so unjustly. I didn't deserve that. It is not fair that she has done this to me. I can't understand why people like her get away with stuff like that. I should have reported her by right. Thank you for your insights and advice. I found them very useful. I can see now why I attracted her. I experienced a lot of emotional neglect and manipulation as a child too. What you said made sense to me.

Red, thanks for your help too. I don't think that I have ever had one real friendship with appropriate boundaries. I don't even know how to assert myself. I always feel ashamed as though it is not my right. I know that sounds stupid but its just the way I feel.

stokes

stokes,

You have every right to set a boundry. Go with your gut feeling.
Just like when someone is standing in your personal space. Learning to assert yourself you can do also, you will find you draw positive people more and you can avoid negative people.

The boundries once you get used to setting them it will come easier and easier.

You have a list of personal rights and one of them is to set boundrys that you are comfortable with.

I have a list, I will look for it, just for you buddy, because you are worth are it.

peace to you,
red

SmallTalkRed wrote:stokes,

You have every right to set a boundry. Go with your gut feeling.
Just like when someone is standing in your personal space. Learning to assert yourself you can do also, you will find you draw positive people more and you can avoid negative people.

The boundries once you get used to setting them it will come easier and easier.

You have a list of personal rights and one of them is to set boundrys that you are comfortable with.

I have a list, I will look for it, just for you buddy, because you are worth are it.

peace to you,
red

Thanks Red!

Personal Bill of Rights---

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.

2. I have the right to say NO to requests or demands I cant meet.

3. I have the right to express all my feelings, positive or negative.

4. I have the right to change my mind.

5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.

7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am hont ready, it is unsafe or violates my values.

8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.

9. I have the right not to be responsible for others' behaviors, actions, feelings, or problems.

10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.

Personal Bill of Rights continued.......

11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.

12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.

13. I have the right to be scared and say " I'm afraid".

14. I have the right to say " I don't know".

15. I have the right to not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.

16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.

17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.

18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.