Don't know how to live... *TW*

Hi Neko_Neko,
I think a lot of people read your posts but for some reason or another, they don't respond. I sometimes don't know what to say or I don't have time to really get into the conversation because I am a moderator and I have other mod jobs that keep my time occupied so I don't respond.

I like your sharing about being gay in Russia. It gives me a glimpse of what you have suffered there. And are still suffering. I feel so bad for your boyfriend and his family not knowing about your relationship and him fearing what they may think.

Neko_Niko writes:
Her parents abandoned her after her marriage, and her father say that will not mind if his son who "dishonored the whole race," killed in front of his eyes.

That is very sad and I truly cannot comprehend how any parent can act this way. As a mom of 3 girls, I could never think to do any such thing. To abandon and condemn your child in such a horrific manner.

Have you thought about writing a blog here on psychforums? That is an option to writing and seeing if you get replies. I have a blog but I don't use it very much. I enjoyed venting when I could.

I don't believe for a minute that we despise you for not responding to you. Who knows what reasons other people have for not responding. It's ok. I've written plenty of posts that got zero replies and other posts got a lot of replies.

Sorry, I have a lot times when people stop talking with me, and it usually was meaning that they don't like me, so I didn't know what to think... Don't sure about blog, what will change, and its a bit scary for me... Parents refuse their child's because they think that they betrayed them, that they are corrupted... sometimes because of religion... their kids not fit their world view, their moral principles, that's why I hate moral. And the funniest that that parents feel their-selves as a victim...

Sometimes we just don't have answers...

Please forgive me if I am missing something, but do you respond to other people's threads a lot? I noticed that others are more willing to discuss things with you when you discuss things with them

Oliveira wrote:Sometimes we just don't have answers...

Please forgive me if I am missing something, but do you respond to other people's threads a lot? I noticed that others are more willing to discuss things with you when you discuss things with them

Yeah, sorry really not good from my side... Its a little bit hard to chat with people... I rarely speak with my friends, sometimes just not chat with anyone, so bad mood that not want anything... Well yes you are right...

*TW*

Hi again, I have new thoughts… I was thinking about my depression and have 2 ideas what it can be. 1-st it is Midlife crisis, or maybe…schizophrenia… So why it can be 1-st option. It started when I completed exams into university and started understand that my dreams will not be executed, I did best I can, I even guess stepped over myself very hard, so its entail negative consequences, and I can’t live all my life so… That how I imagined how I will speak with people, and that they will respect me and love, that it wasn’t so too, that real life is different from imagination… And I started understand that real life can’t give me what I want, no matter what I do, there is no point in what I doing… 2-nd option … Why it can be schizophrenia… Well at first psychiatrist said that I schizoid personality type… And second, if I understand right… depression is painless... but I feel infernal pain in head, it has nothing similar with standard headache, it’s absolutely another type of pain. It feels like… drill drills... boiling water spill… sawing… set on fire… Its continue 3 days so hard as now, I stopped smoke because cigarettes ended, but I don’t won’t to go out from home… I go out last time 1-3 weeks ago for cigarettes and beer and that’s was horrible… Trying to look normal so parents did not suspect… Well at least I mustn’t do a lot of things, just try to go out from room and spend 5-60 minutes at day with them… Hard to write… This pain is every second and don’t want to stop… Sometimes I become so angry from it so I shout (mentally, no voice), at my head, what it fcking need from me, when it will stop… Of course there is no answer lol… But its really make me fcking mad… 5 fcking years I was 16.6 when it started and soon I’ll be 22… I heard that depression is reaction of brain to bad conditions, and it’s a stimulate for life changing… But wtf is this? Every fcking day it starts, I try to improve my life or rest to have energy for life improving, but its fcking pain start I can’t concentrate I can’t do anything I can’t work or having pleasure, all I start wanting is to make it stop, so what I want to do next is to kill myself, take a gun (what I don’t have) and shoot myself, or hang, or cut the veins… When pain become almost unbearable, I think I'm in the next second, run to the window and jump out… But fortunately (fortunately because low height, I only became disabled, but logic stop working), I feel so bad that I can’t move, just lying on the floor… And this time I make myself to go smoke… It can take a lot of time even hour or more… Well if it will take a lot of time I just became too tired and go sleep… If not, I take cigarette and smoke one by one… Pain become much lower or even all go away… When I was 16.6 I started to cut myself, so pain go away by this, so instead if cigarette there was razor blade… Then I read that self cutting is like heroin, so I afraid that I became addicted and just endured the pain… Somewhere from 18 I started smoke... I quit smoking a lot of times, so guess summary period is around year… How I write before, I feel bad from cigarette, its hard to stay, sit, do anything… So I want not to smoke 2 month’s to prepare my organism for new doses, and maybe some drugs (not medicine) if I be able to get them… So one of my friends (he like to read medical books) suggested list of drugs (medicine) from what I maby will feel better - Piracetam, Picamilon, Acetylcysteine, Inosine, Ascorbic acid + Rutoside, Lecithin, Selank, Q10… Have no idea what will be with me, but why won’t try Anyway it will be only 2 month… I also started drink aspirin… Hope it all will help me smoke and not feel so bad…Oh pain go away… I remembered how I played team fortress 2 and video clips made by valve https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36lSzUMBJnc and I started feeling better… Eh no pain coming back, I remembered how I played it have hopes, dreams, but now I see that I can’t make them… Few minutes ago I think about playing game and stop writing, but when I thinkeabout playing game now I started thinking about rope on witch I will hang myself… So I don’t know is it a depression, midlife crisis, or schizophrenia… Maybe someone can determine it… Because every type need different approach to the treatment… Maybe I will be able to find some were medicine… To know what… Sorry that I don’t write to anybody… I'm pretty selfish…

Just was going to sleep and new news... "Kadyrov's sons gave their trainer in MMA Porsche Panamera"... I will say very briefly - kids of the head of Chechnya Republik (formally are part of Russia)
gifted their trainer a car (money comes from taxes of people of course). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvZHw644mMg
Just want to share it with civilized people lol, but even in my country people don't like that. At least I don't live at that part of country...I guess there is hell...

Today was if not good, at least stable mood, not going to hell as usual... Most offensive, that when it’s not bad I try to do something, creating plans, chat with people on business, for example do something at the designated time, promise a lot of things… So I doing my plans, all goes good, and then I start feel bad, pain in head come (not headache), mood become bad, and I can’t do anything, I can’t finish what I do, so a lot of I did became or incomplete, or in vain… It is very disappointing, when what you do start ruin… And that I was sure that I can do it, and then I understand that I can’t, that other can, but I can’t… I don’t even know, is pain in head become from bad mood, or bad mood became from it, I mean nothing bad happened, and it become… Today was not a bad day, but I very afraid of pain in head and bad mood, I know soon or later it will come back… 5 years and all the same…

I was going sleep and read new news... One of deputy introduced a law on responsibility for the suicide of relatives. So the conception is that if human will kill himself, relatives must pay 1538$ to state, if it will be a kid, it will be 4615$, and they will check them for pedophilia (how???)... Its a conception right now, don't know will they accept this law... "Suicide - a sabotage against the state and to such an act of violence should be treated with the utmost seriousness with which we act when confronted with terrorism " -what deputy say... Were the fck I'm living....

What the hell is this law about?! (Please no links.)

Personally I stopped following news. I know what triggers my depression. So I avoid it. I closed down my Facebook and opened a new one which consists of kittens, landscapes, funny memes and bearded men If you continue reading news knowing they affect you this way you are essentially fuelling your depression. Please try to avoid it.

Oliveira wrote:What the hell is this law about?! (Please no links.)

Don’t really understand your question… or it wasn’t a question? Well if it was try to say what I think…. Our government love to forbid, don’t understand their strategy, but guess its like part of plan… Maybe they check how people react, so if a bad law will be accepted, they can try to make worse and worse… To make people weak, stupid, fearful, to stole money and do all they want. And this law want made (not made yet) same person who make law to jail for loli and guro (creating, spreading, downloading through torrent) this law was passed… Don’t know what will be with that new one…

Oliveira wrote:Personally I stopped following news. I know what triggers my depression. So I avoid it. I closed down my Facebook and opened a new one which consists of kittens, landscapes, funny memes and bearded men If you continue reading news knowing they affect you this way you are essentially fuelling your depression. Please try to avoid it.

Thanks for reading all what I write)))

Well I conversely started reading news more and more… I don’t want be stupid as hell, and I don’t know… maybe feel a responsibility… When I was young I was thinking that soon will be a war, the RUSSIAN god will punish us for the sins, that atomic bomb will be dropped from bad America, who want to destroy us and take all oil… You maybe will say that I was young and have a big imagination… But the funniest is that this all is part of government propaganda, its not directly saying from them, its going little by little from sources that surround you, even real people, friends etc… What to say if even my boyfriend was telling about bad USA, that russia is better then them, that we protect world, that we are superpower and world need us because that if russia will be destroyed, USA will take over the world, and we are last it hope… So I think I better read news (I don’t read from official sources, at least try to find where are comments, there can be a lot of interesting), and not be stupid as hell… Anyway depression will not go away, but I will better understand world, and maybe solve some problems, on what I looked differently, or find out that there was no problem at all… At least its better then form live from surroundings (I am talking about real life surrounding) that Americans are bad, god is russian (that he protects and love our country our people, they are special), education is beating, gays are not humans, man(male) must serve in the army, war is peace, freedom is slavery , ign… Whell Orwell was making warning, not to the fckng instructions for execution... I read somewhere that Orwell with his 1984 wasn't right, that all what is going on in country is described by Huxley in Brave New World, and saw that people agreed with it... Are they fcking out of mind? They make me so mad... I leave with that animals that thinking that life around them is too good, that life must be more severe,otherwise people will be lazy and degenerate (that how they thinking)... The most bad in it is that I always feel that something is wrong, but I think that I am stupid and crazy, that people around me are much smarter, and they know what they say… From other side maybe I am stupid that I didn’t understand all earlier… From other side I was a lot of my time sitting at home, and my head was occupied with other problems, and it don’t have place for it, to understand all by myself… russian people are wild as animals, not all, but most of them, I just want to be better and be closer to a civilized society, as far as I can, try not to be stupid as hell… at least trying…