Don't know how to live... *TW*

Oliveira wrote:I love hugs. Check out my signature

When I was depressed in 2003-2004 I didn't believe I would ever be happy again. Or that there was a point to clinging to my life. I was wrong. 100% wrong. Completely absolutely totally wrong. I found happiness with work, love, sex, art, living in a great place, nature, my passion, writing my first book, watching Vikings riding a motorbike for the first time and discovering how speed (not drug) feels – as passenger, but still – it's a first step. I quit substance abuse. I'm happily married now. And I never got any STDs

Honestly, the depression will go one day but if you wreck your body irreversibly you won't really be able to enjoy the fact that your life has a meaning again. It's surprisingly hard to die, and equally surprisingly to discover you will need medication for the rest of your life, a liver transplant and a long time in rehab.

Nice signature)

My depression is 2012-2016, and I am talking about hard part, maybe in past years it was just in lite type… Sometime I have good mood, but if look in whole life, its not a big % from it take, so it’s not a reality what I live in, its have no sense, its look like affect, or something extraordinary, so it’s stupid to seriously consider… I eaten food now and feel wery bad – heart are beating, want to sleep, head feels cold, and hard to think… Its often happened after I eat, and will go away after around 2 hours… Hard to concentrate… I wanted to writed here so many times, but feel so bad every time… I don’t thnk I will live long, I am shure that in 5-10 near years I will have cancer, or insult, infarct… So its better to take best from life what I can, then regret about it… Well its hard, I even cant doing sex normally, I have it not so long ago, it was so hard to do it… It physically hard and from one side its pleasantly from other disgusting because its human body… Skin, hairs, veins…smells… Its all so awfull… Its nature is terrible… Its hard to look at it, no matter what gender is, its better to close eyes and don’t see anything… And the most sad when I am with someone, I want him to get out, but when he go away I starting want him stay… I am tiered, when I do something good, I don’t feel that I dided something, it feels like its what must be happened, routine, but when happen poor little thing, I thinking about it days, weaks, mounts… I think about every time and feel very bad…

Hi again! Just writing my thoughts. Don’t say that many changes was… Tried to socialize, called guests to home, don’t say that much friends, meted in internet… Well it was 3-d time they were called, and just feel sick of them, don’t know why, just don’t want see anyone more now… And the positive news is that I understand that I find hobby – MMO game Lineage 2 Classic. There was really nothing what I wanted to do, but now at least when I woke up, or going sleep, don’t dream about how I die or go crazy, and world around me won’t be real, now I have some kind of purpose that is realistically achievable, and what I want… But it scares me that when I will get tired of the game, nothing that interesting me be here… Drugs I guess will be hard for my health and wery expensive… Sometimes even playing lineage I don’t want anything… Day before yesterday I got 40 lvls on 5 my characters, and feel only sad… I all day feel sad and don’t wanted anything…. The bad part is that I go for that lvl very long and it was some type of purpose that I moved to, and I don’t feel anything… The next day I don’t say that I was happy, some type of happiness was, but that happiness what I moved for was irretrievably lost, if I get 40-lvl in other day, all would be different… Somedays when I feel good without reason or make some purpose I try not to sleep as much as I can because next day all good mood will gone and what I did will nothing would mean to me… Well at least I have hobby… Maybe some day I will have enough energy to make my own game… I think about it a lot of times, but don’t have strength to learn programming…. Somedays when mood is good I sitting and learning, but its hard, cuz its hard to set start running in room smoking cigarette to cigarette and thinking about great future and thoughts are so fast that its hard to hear them and all is so good…. Then other day all gone, only wish to kill myself… I think to create game and sell is the only way for me… I can’t work when its need to go out from house… Haha its so funny, out government thinking about creating law parasitism, its if you don’t work, you must pay….Eh… When I go out of house people are looking at me, always turn around a lot of times at me… Funny moment… I was in car of my boyfriend, sitting in 1-st row, he pick up his mum, and before say me to not talk, cuz he don’t won’t parents suspected that we meet, so I sit as normal as I can…. And when mother was with my boyfriend, she say that that girl in car is inadequate… He say that I am not a girl, she didn’t believed lol… I don’t have chance to emigrate to other country if people looking at me thinking I am crazy… So I need somehow earn million dollar on it to five it money for citizenship, cuz it’s the only way to move to other country, but its unreal so I stuck here to end of my days…At least I saw life how it was, without illusions… People are so stupid, planning someting seriously, talking about some things, when in that time somewhere in the world someone dying from Ebola… Deaths, pain, dirt, that is real life… I can’t
seriously relate to people… Allways clothing their eyes to problems around them, like it don’t touch them… But one day they will pay, for their indifference, because its will be to late to fix anything, and then they understand, that I was right…

Hi again… Thinking about my life, that I need to earn money somehow… I think I find one good way for me – I will sell gild from lineage 2 classic, need to level up them to 60-lvl, think it will take half of year… I hoping I will earn around 300$ per month, if it be, it will be much better then I will work now somewhere… Just hope I will not get ban, because in this game selling gold is forbidden… I know its not best work, but I don’t have many options, so at last I can work not going out from home.

Find a good paste, its very vitally, but very short.

“I often see on television as the old fart nostalgic for their youth. I sincerely declare I find it funny. To miss the port and dumps and visits to the farm at the potato harvest can only a trimmer and a bastard. Let's deal with the past and the present, what is your fuc*ing young!?

Eleven years of school, you kidding? Eleven years of school, eleven, during this time you can to serve in prison for murder. Edmond Dantes rewind fourteen years in the Chateau o'If, learned a bunch of languages and sciences, and you're over 11 years of his study cannot say two words in English, probably sat hollowed days and nights, and confused. Hey, Scripting, give me the essential amino acids. Hey, office plankton as there are faring logarithms with integrals? Hey, porter in product shop, as you and Gauguin paintings Vasnetsov? My friends humiliated and insulted, they yearn for the school. miss humiliation? According to a broken psyche? You walk down the street and see a sneak dandies and ladies, they really believe in the power of belongings, and partly they are right. In 2007 emochki gave herself a friend of the two icons represent. So what? their mother in USSR sold their self for Adidas sneakers.

People do not change, change the scenery, they are easily manipulated by the parents, and the system of their parents. I do not want to repeat it again. told to do their homework, do it. They said that the coats are wearing by cool people, I'll be wearing, and what? Now go all the way, I'm worse or what? The youngster is not a man, that is not my opinion, this view state, you become a person in gaining the right to vote 18, etc. If you're a freak and a beggar, what you have forgotten in this celebration of life for the owners? When my friends and was 6 years we did not have a dime, we went to the nearest store staring at the goods, like on tour. You were born to staring how swagger others? If you have lost the genetic lottery that life becomes a torture. You cannot be regarded as a healthy male healthy spud ready to give birth to female children. You're not a masochist, is not it? You watch her staring at him with awe and lust, she greedily kisses his male, the father of her future children. But how she looks at you? It is better from a young age to face the truth, anyone you want, never will be with you, if only for the money, in this case, do not forget to palpate horns.

Youth is always infinitely dumb and aggressive, judge for yourself, adequate mature man with brains is very difficult to make clean toilet, wash socks for skunk, cost cottages for colonels. Homo sapiens will not feel comfortable knowing that at this time the children of country owner sniffing cocaine from buxom beauty, somewhere in the Mediterranean, while you protect him by sweeping the ground in army. It's funny to you? I do not. Youth is good only for fools and for the rich, or the rich fools. Smart people know initially that life-shit, especially here. For fool even prison will be a paradise. I have no desire to return the youth, and if I want to be disenfranchised poor slave, I'll pick a better to lie in prison or in a psychiatric hospital. END!”

I was a little concerned about other people, the people about I really care is like me, because if something will happened with somebody, people will help him, say something good, but for people like me, if something happened, they will or laugh, or say that you are to blame for what had happened, or just ignore… Remembering, when I was young, how a lot of times adults saying to me that my parents badly brought up me, probably because little beat me, I was outraged, saying to them that my parents are good brought up me, because they beat me particle every week, on what people saying, that my parents should beat me more… A lot time ago even my boyfriend say to me, that maybe he should beat me because I always late on job and they fined me, and I could get fire, that he don’t know how to help me not late, but when he understand how its all hard to me and that beating in childhood didn’t helped me, he changed his mind… I even take care of myself hard, and the apartment in general as a cesspool, I try to gather strength and to do what need, but every time I do, bad thought are coming in head, and sometimes when I tidied up the apartment, I break something, because I become mad from of my thoughts… Sometimes I want to kill my parents and those who tortured me, but I can’t do it, because I am responsible to the people the same as I, if I do something like that, they will be first who suffered damage. The best way is to kill myself, because it can help them. People despise us, that we will be the last who ever get help from them, if people like me suicide, maybe people will change their minds, understand their fault, and changes, but here a lot of people must kill themselves, because even suicide of cancer patients are not enough to attract people's attention, and correct the problem in the country. People are judging based on their self-perception, so if they are judging so, they feel not bad. People do not care about other people's problems, there is even a saying “my hut is in corner" meaning “none of my business", its look like people are proud of them selves when saying that. But when they will have cancer, they will think in other way, but nobody help. So I value my life, I don’t want die from what is in controlled, if I suicide I will able to contribute to help the same people like me, just need to make suicide note where I will write the reasons that toured me, because if I will don’t, people say and maybe news, that I killed myself because I love anime/play games/use internet/are gay… anything only not the real reasons. And if I kill myself in their way, that can toughen laws (like ban video games) and people like me will suffer much more, and other people will support this, and will beat people who want to die more, because they thinking that beating suicidal people will make them love life… I carry a great responsibility, I do not want to expose people like me. Of course I could close my eyes to all this, look for excuses, to say that does not concern me, but I am not that kind of person. As a child I could not affect anything, nobody helped me, and it is horrible to understand, that others are in same positions, but now I can do something. I don't know when I kill myself, but hoping it will be not to late, don't want die usual death and loose my opportunity.

I hate moral. I hate people, how they think need to live. When I was young I never understand why people with other orientation or gender disorder are amoral, abnormal, my mind can’t understand how is it possible to end friendship with human if it will show that he is different, and suffer from that… What will changes? From this moment he will become another person? Is life meant nothing to this point? I don’t understand… Why if male will have sex with a lot of woman is cool and good guy, but woman who have sex with lot of men is corrupted, do not deserve a good man and must be contempt… And why to beat women is bad and beat men is normal? Why woman in same time is better and worse in same situations? If woman attacks me I don’t have right to beat her, if I beat her they will say I not a man and beat me for that I beat women. But if I beat men in the same situation I’l be hero, cool guy, respectful etc… I don’t accept it. For me rules must look like – you can beat women and male, or you can’t beat woman and male. The best logical rule is like – never beat men or woman, only if it not life threatening, the other ways will be bad. If people lived by this rule, I will accept it. But how its look right now - woman can do anything she want, and her back will always will cover male, if she do anything bad, you must deal with her male. From other side its look like - for all her mistakes her man should pay. I don’t think it’s normal. Maybe I am too young and don’t understand many things… Don’t know… I think that no matter the gender person is, it must have same rights, in all good and bad ways. The only an exception can be its health. When someone is weaker he or she can have more privileges, but it mustn’t be like - girl are weaker than men so she can do all she wants, because she is women, because they are weaker. I know that historically woman’s have lower status than men, that even now is domestic violence. But when women beat girl, laughing at her with friends and force her to eat excrements (I am not talking about me lol, but there was a real case), is it normal? If it will have happened to male, so he didn’t have right to protect himself and to be a real man he must eat all poops???? I don’t want play this stupid games. Remember how in bus women lost to me a place, I seated because I barely able to stand. I am very grateful to her for the act, but by rules if you are men you don’t have right to take a seat… A long time ago, I argued with my boyfriend, about why girl can’t have sex with other male, but male can. He says me that male is getter of the family, and women is fire tender, that there are rules in society, and if people won’t obey them there will be chaos… Don’t know did he change his mind, but he say that I am smarter than him in some questions and he change attitude to a lot of things in life… I can’t say that I am smart, because I sitting at home a lot of time, and other people working. When you don’t work you can think about a lot of things, but when you work from 8am to 19-22pm, and come home tired, you don’t want to think about anything. I am not feminist or protecting male… The funniest part that I in dealing with people act like girl… I don’t say that I do something for it, many people see in me girl and I love when they see me not like a male… But I don’t think that I am transgender, I talked with psychologists and I have concluded that I am only just a pervert liking to be girl, but factually are male… Sadly but I can’t go against the facts, if this is it so it is it. Just want to say that for me is better to protect girls and get all the privileges, because it is profitably for me, but I can’t, I can’t hide behind the mask of morality and do all I want hiding behind the back of my boyfriend, I don’t think that it is right. And if take my life global I don’t want to sit on the neck of my boyfriend, I want to do all my own, I want to earn money and be independent. The lot of girls want to swap places with me, they envy me that I have boyfriend that provides me. But I don’t feel happiness from it. Maybe I cannot appreciate anything… I want be independent, have own money. For me is shame to ask for any help, I want to be so cool that I do all by my own, nobody helped me and I achieved success in life… But its only dreams… I have so f**king bad health that I can’t even stand sometimes, shaking and want to fall on ground… I didn’t even want to write on any websites about my problems, thinking that it is a manifestation of weakness, that I shift duties, but I read somewhere that normal human when really need help will ask for it, so I stepped over pride and write… Don’t know how all it really help me, but some psychologist say that for some people speak out can help very much, and that 90% of psychology work is speaking out. So I write here. Still ashamed, because I want look strong, cool and want all people envied me… I don’t want to accept society, its rules. I don’t think that it is right. You need to serve in army to be a man they say, if you not serve you are if not a traitor, the person of 3-d grade… Heard that some old woman give hiding person, 18 years to the army because he hiding from it. Is it right? To send him to army, where he can be die only because of hazing? Not talking about that army can take him to hot spot, where he can die, or become terrorist if he will killing Ukraine people, believing that he killing Nazi and save the world. But this old woman is a person of moral, she did good act… I don’t agree. I say more, she is potential killer. Not buy herself, but by her act. I say that she is bad person. When I was 14 I wanted sex, I don’t care is it my age or 40. I don’t say that I was smart enough but I have good representation of what it is. It was clearly look like I eat food, or watch videogame, like any of joy. But it is pedophilia and is prohibited by law. Why? Why it is bad to have sex when by mutual agreement? In that age I was stupider that my contemporary, but even I understand what it is. People of that age or lover have sex, even was a case when one girl blackmail person who was older than 18 years, because he have sex with her, and she say him if you won’t give money, I go to police and say that you raped me… Children’s of 14 years doing sex, blackmailing, robbering, killing, raping… I just don’t understand. I can’t say it for all children, all are different, but if there are few kids like me, and few pedophiles, why they can’t have sex by mutual agreement? When pedophiles don’t have sex, they go crazy, I just imagined if normal person wanted sex with women, but it was out of law, what he will do? Of course he can to the end of all his life do not touch any woman, but if he can’t handle himself? He will rape child and maybe kill him because afraid he go to prison. I don’t say that it is good, but society buries itself into the grave by its moral. I have a lot of friends that have sex wile there was under 18, and nothing happened to them. And I'm very sorry that I didn’t have sex in that time because I CANT HAVE IT NOW. I CANT NORMALLY HAVE SEX I HAD TIME BUT THERE WAS NO OPPORTUNITY FOR IT. I lost my time… Its horrible… If I lived in bigger city I was able have it… But I lived in that tiny pice of sh*t… Why……. Now I can only watch hentai porn. And because of that I can’t sex I will go in prison because of looking what they think is wrong. Are they out of mind? If I have better health I go and have normal sex, but now I only can watch and fap. And they want to take last I have? F**K THEM. I don’t want play by their rules. If I am bad person, okay. When I kill myself I will make world better, is this what they want??? Oh, they f***ing get it! Some time ago I have a message in social networking, they say that they will clean the city from people like me… They want me to die only because I like male??? Is this world what I must live in? I don’t want to live in world like that. If this world are theirs, I prefer to die. One of my friends get caught for selling drugs and can be sent in prison. FOR WHAT??? What he did bad???????? I don’t believe that normal people will buy drugs and became a addict. Well okay, I don’t mind if giving drugs will be official, you come to hospital, they give you dose and all. But there is no system. I WANT DRUGS I HAVE MONEY GIVE ME PLEASE DRUGS THAT EXPENSIVE SO MUTCH THAT I WILL SELL MY APARTMENT IN FUTURE BUT I WANT THIS PAIN TO STOP PLEASE!!!!!!!! I want to buy drugs, there are people wanting to buy drugs, a lot of these people are suffering and can’t have any pleasure from life. There no official help for them and only they can is to use drugs until they die. Why official people are so hypocritical? I am sure that police are sending in prison only people who are not divide the money to them. I guessing that the friends of them have unlimited right to sell drugs where they want and they will never go to prison. Even if there was no corruption I still saying that selling drugs is not bad. Why selling alcohol is normal, but cannabis is illegal, notwithstanding that cannabis is less harmful? Why it is cool to drink but amoral to smoke weed? Why people don’t try to think logically??? If I was a policemen and send people for selling cannabis, I never forgive myself for what I done. Its so funny… Well its not funny at all, maybe just ironically, showing the real face of “powerful and democratically” Russia, when drug dealers sell painkillers for cancer patients BECAUSE THEY CAN’T GET IT NORMAL WAY. Is this bad? Should cancer patient suffer from his pain, and nobody defy the law? Yep, this is morality. F**k moral. I don’t say that drug dealers are good people, but I never heard that they go the children’s and give first dose for free… Even in that case its hard to imagine how child go to drug dealer and take dose don’t understanding what it is. I look at children and see that they are quite smart for this, they know how world works. They from youngness know what is alcohol and drink it a lot. Hmm.. Maby logical inconsistencies… Hmmm… NO. Children’s from not good families, and haved bad life going not healthy way… All dependents on place where they living, and what people are surround them. Where there are poor, they are wild, like animals. They living on rules like in prison, but a more worse. They can even rape each other. One of my friend say that in children's camp his coevals wanted to rape him, one day they they carried him a cock of the lips and say that next time they f**k him. He pleased his stupid and crazy mom to take him out of there, and fortunately she talked him. He say to me that he regret that he moved out from there and that he want to be raped there… Its sound strange, I don’t understand him… Really… Its look like they broke something inside him… Maybe he telling the truth, but I don’t believe. I can’t Imagine how rape can be wanted. It looks for me like he is prey and he feels guilty because they manipulated him… Maybe I am not right, but for me it sound like this. So about drugs. I can divide the people by some group, 1-s are from bad environment, 2-d are suffering, 3-d trying to create normal future and 4-d are some rarely guys from 3-d group but very impulsive. 1,2 drugs won’t be bad, 3-d will not take them, or in small doses and control themselves, I know guys that used drugs and lived normally, 4-d are very risky and can lose everything. Its difficult topic, I don’t have enough knowledge to really talk about it, but this are some of my thoughts. If I understand work of drugs right, they affect people who are don’t have enough happiness from life, and some have genetically/physically addiction to it. I don’t want say that it all concern people. Whell my thoughts how drugs work. When people don’t have enough of happiness in life, when they use drugs they become addict. People who have enough of happiness, they or not use drugs, or use it and stop when feel bad, or just don’t need them. I heard in hospitals use drugs, very heavy sometimes, but I don’t believe that when people was under drugs in hospital after that become addict… Oh what I want to say by all this. If I went to past, when I find money I buy a lot of drugs and used until I die. That what I want to say. I suffer so much, and want life give me pay back. The drug dealers sealing drugs… I can’t say that they are bad people, they giving people what they need. Of course effects are bad. Addict people can kill others for dose. But who is to blame in it? People saying that addict people are bad, some people (kids too), beating and killing addict people, because they thinking that they clear the world. For me they look like Nazi. The real problem is that life is bad, and all energy must be directed to improvement of welfare. The more welfare of people is good, the lower count of people wants to use drugs, BECAUSE THEY ARE FEELING GOOD. But this idiot doesn’t want to solve problem, they want to dispose of manifestations. It’s like when you have some illness… Well for example. Instead of finding cure of it, use painkillers. Disease will not go away, but for who don’t feel pain it looks like he isn’t ill. People always will buy/sell drugs, but instead of fight, its cleverer and productive will be make it official and controlled, instead of making it corrupted. Bandits and other like that isn’t good. The hardest part is that children’s can buy drugs, I can’t say that it is right, it’s too complicated. I can only say if life is bad, selling it to them is not bad. Who really suffer need to have comfort. But in real life it’s hard to control, so in normal countries it must be under control, before some age, or personally, in bad countries I guess it have no sense. It’s really hard theme, I can’t decide for all, but the main thought that rules must be humane. All must depend on logic, not the prejudices and not to demands of the people who do not understand anything. My friend sells drugs to the people who really need it, I can’t say that he is guilty. Lol I talked about prison rules… hah… I will tell you about moral. When you move to prison, you will be asked tricky ways, did you licking vagina. If you proof that you licked vagina you automatically became person 3-d grade. Because licking vagina is amoral. After that they will make you get rank “rooster” its mean that all people in prison have right to f**k you. You become nothing, worse than animal. I don’t want to say that this moral is good, but is a vertex of it. Moral that if you lick vagina - you are not a human. Mess, nothing. They can do with you all they want. If you will resist, they broke you. And if you kiss women that licked penis, you become rooster too. And for normal person there is normal to f**k male, it don’t make him rooster, but if someone f*ck you, you became rooster. Nice moral. The lower level, welcome! I don’t even want to serious talk about it, there is nothing to say. Heh… Remember how school teacher say that OH MY GOD IN EUROPE TAKING CHILDRENS FROM FAMILY IF THEY BEAT THEM… Its mean that it is amoral, the children’s must be beaten, to become a good citizens. At the end I want to say that I will never accept the rules how high they will not be. The main rule must be – do not harm people. If the rules are made by people who do not understand, and harm other, so f*ck them. Because, if I look pictures, I will be send to prison and become rooster. Is it right? I don’t think so. I depend only on logic and scientific research, if they say yes, this is bad, I will not resist. Rules must be made for humans, not for country owners. If I am really bad person, so please, kill me. I go and make euthanasia. Clear the world how they say. I really do it, do not doubt. Well I wrongly say it, In my country there is no euthanasia, but if situation was that I can made it, I will made it. Think you understand what I say. Bad thing that its impossible and I should kill my self hard way, very painful.

I thimked I have more time, but now I don’t even know… I guessed I can live 5-10 years, but now I am not shure will I live even one year… Last days I feel really bad, its hard to sit in front of computer… I can’t even play my f**ing game, how I suppose to earn money and move to other country? Sometimes I thinked about job, really belived I can do it… its so funny… I thinked how I will work with my boyfriend in future, and earn money, but when I go out from house I feeled weery bad and scared, so I understand that I cant do it. I thinked about programming, but understanded that its quite hard to my brain, I cant work with numbers, I cant gold information in head its all confusing, example number 104 in head become 144 113 401 14 or something like that… So I thinked I will train hard in cs go, will twitch and try earn on it money… I feel worse and worse my targets what I shuld do become lower an dlower and now I can’t just play game… Hard to describe what I feel ... cold in the head, think that I lose consciousness, can not concentrate, my thoughts go away until I lie down… I think this is the end. Guessing that becouse of my neck, spines, its osteochondrosis… Doctors in my country cant fix it, there is big chance that I will be paralyzed, so thay scared to take responsibility. I dreamed about that I will use drugs, dtink and smoke every day, have sex with a lot off people and die in the end… But I cant do it… I never used drugs, smoked lite cigarettes and tried a lot of times to stop smoke, but cant because depression started… I have time when I was young, If I stoled money and moved to big city, I could have short but hapilly life, but I was too scared, don’t have any contacts, and didn’t know how this world works… I haved health, not much but have it… For what I wasted it, learning at school and prepearing for university? What it gived me? Why…why I stand understand everything only when its became too late… Its really hard to write here… want to lie in bed… Whell at least I am glad that I writed it and people see it, they now know what is real life… Sometimes I read bad stories, from real life, and I was horrified when understand that if that story will not be recorded, no one will know it… Its so terrifying…

What does *TW* mean?

TW = Trigger Warning. Topics which deal with difficult subjects, such as self-harm, suicide, traumas, criminal acts, etc. are marked TW.

Hi again. Sorry for my last post, I was afraid that my health became too broken, and I will not have more opportunities to write… Feel really bad, I never remember that was so bad before, but now I feel better, guess it’s my reaction to weather changes… I was in despair, because I even can’t sit in front of computer… Doctors in city where I lived when I was young, say that if live here for 10 years and more, the human vascular system become broken… Guess its result of lawing there… + I have neck osteochondrosis, so its nice combo… I was taking female hormones, wanted to look like girl as much as it possible, but my body can’t handle them, very bad feel from them, so I stopped. Anyway, if I am not transsexual, there is no sense to use them, just need to not think about this… Still I am trying to quit cigarettes, but it’s hard, without them I become crazy, mad and I do not know what to expect from myself… I will move to parent’s house for 2-3 mounts, it was my idea because my boyfriend paying rent for apartment, its big money for him, so I can still sit here, but don’t want to sit on his neck, he did a lot for me. I am really scared, 1-st because I feel not well and don’t want parents see me in that condition, because I put a lot of effort to get rid of their overprotective, 2-d I afraid that if we will quarrel, I cannot handle myself and kill them, if they try to beat me I don’t know what expect from myself, 3-d it’s that is the city that I hate, where everyone knows me, there are a lot of bad memories, and 4-d not most bad, but enough stressful for me-internet is bad, I need to level up all my 9 accounts in lineage 2 classic at least to 60-lvl, so I will able to earn some money. With so bad internet if it will be big lag, or connection lost, my characters can die, loose their equipment, experience points, and it can make my progress backwards to hours, weeks and maybe months, if I be unlucky, its quite a hardcore game, can compare it with dark souls… Well it was my idea so I need to overcome myself and do what I need to do, I have not lived my life in order to lose everything. Maybe I will sometime fill better and can be able do more job… But when I see how one human from these game playing 16 hours in day without rest, to farm gold, I see how my health is bad, I can sit 3-8 hours with big rest, and not every day. Even now to play is quite stressful, because in game spots are few, and people are a lot, so I need or wait when they finish, or make schedule, make arrangements with other people. Sometimes need to protect myself, because some people want to take spots with strength, and not all times I can win. 9 accounts are good, but there enough 1 high level person to get me from spot… Well I don’t give up, but the more higher level I am, the more hard to defend spots, because there are a lot of top clans/guild’s on them, and multi-window concurrent… First when I played I was scared to move from city, because out of there is pvp zone, I was afraid even to chat to other people… I all times try go through the fear, really hard, use all opportunities to do it, because I heard from psychologists, that when you move through your fears you become stronger and less fearful… In real life I try it too, try always to call on phone, speak with seller’s but I feel more I do it, more I feel bad, and next days I scroll dialogue in my head and become ashamed of myself… So if I can’t make money in real world, I need to find way to earn them through internet. I don’t all my life earn gold in games, because its dead end, I become depend on external circumstances, and if something go bad, I can remain without money. But I need to start here, need to find my maximum capacity, if I find that I able do more, I go further, but I guess that its my highest edge of what I can do… I have a dream… Stupid and unreachable, but really wanted it. I want to become very rich, like founders of big companies like Apple, Microsoft, etc. And I want to provide all my friends with money, so they have own apartments, a bunch of drugs and could live worthily and have all they want, because they will never have it. A lot of people like me moving to Moscow, trying to find job to pay rent for apartment and have food at least, if they can’t they sell drugs, and one day can be prisoned. I want if not give them future, give them happy days, and in the end, they could make painless euthanasia… Well its only dreams, I cannot provide even myself, so they will suffer the rest of his days… Sadly that I can’t do anything to really help them… Don’t know, maybe I should write book about my life, people will love it and I become rich and could realize my dreams and their… But at first I want to try emigrate, and if I couldn’t live there, I will make my plan… But I think if I will sell this book, no country will accept me, so I think its bad idea… I even not participate in the green card lottery, because there must be photo, and interview. First time I send request, make photo, but now I regretting… I can’t make normal photo, because panic begins, I look strange and crazy, they can just add me to the black list. End even I pass, I will fail interview, I need to look good for them, but I can’t… So I need to wait when I will able to look good and be able to make interview, because if I hurry, I can stuck here forever, and even when I will feel good, they will just not consider me… So if I write a book it must give me money to the end of my life, otherwise I can break my future, I don’t think the risk is justified… If I write a book it must have ending, if it ends with last days of writing, nothing good will be… There are some books that people write about their life that they used drugs, then stopped it and become successful, but what I will end book will be not socially acceptable, because there nothing change in my life. The best ending will be if I suicide, but I will not earn money, and I want to write because of them… Need to think more what to do… How earn money with no health, no resources? I don’t know but I must find way to do it… Usual work don’t help me, I feel only worse and see how my health go away… Can’t normally sleep, everyday stress, and everyday panic, when I am home and afraid that I will have to go out, and of course when I go out… Maybe I will be lucky end will live to end of my parents days, sell their apartments, but these money are not enough… Well the one way I see is praying that I will have enough health, learn programming and painting, make good 2d game and earn a lot of money… Other ways I don’t see, I tried many of them… In my country to be rich you must be or country owner people, or their friend, or very lucky and smart businessmen, because of government’s racket, they love to steal… There are story of my friend, from one side funny, from other sad… He is very naïve kind of people… First it started when he seen business training company video, where saying that they make successful people. In brief they take people’s money and “teach“ them business, the main thing is to buy cheaper and sell expensive, their lovelier lesson is to buy from China product and sell it 2x 10x 100x expensive. He wanted to find money and tried to earn on pyramid schemes (he not created them, he payed money and invited people). Of course he did not anything, but most of his friends left him. Then in one day he meted old school “friends“ and telled them about his ideas to earn money. They say yes, yes we help you. In these time he didn’t wasn’t to speak with me, say that I am not person from this circle, hi gived me opportunity to become successful, but I refused. So what happened next. They sayed him that they make a scheme that he can take a credit from bank, and he will not have to pay it… He taked it… Face palm… It was so stupid… They even asked him to buy them Ipad’s Iphone’s… How he couldn’t suspect anything… So he buy a car, and next days they stolen it. So now he must give bank credit ~13000$ and with his salary of ~200$ he have to pay it… So stupid… He go to a lawyer and he say, that he will remove credit, and he will not have to pay anything, so he payed to the lawyer and nothing changed… He go to police and asked them to help find his car, they laughed at him and say that its impossible because car can be a lot time ago dismantled for spare parts… 2 years passed and car is not founded. I feel sorry for him, he wanted to have a dignified life, but without brains and connection in this country its impossible… The country owners can steal everything they want, but if you are not connected with them, you will go to prison, or live in poverty at the end of your days… Don’t say that he wanted to mage a good act, factually he tried to steal money from bank… But this banks stealing money too haha. How ironically. My bank (one of the largest in the country) steal my money. I make a money transfer, and it doubled. My money starring x2 times, and its not my imagination, because not only I noticed it. And in bank history there was look like money taken 1 time. Bank say that there was only 1 transaction and all money are in card, so to return them I have to go to court, where this bank 100% can have connections, pay a lot more times more, than I lost, spend a lot of days there, and chance that they will return is miserable. And it happened not only with me, it happened with a lot of people. They just steal money and say that they have no implication… Oh… I remembered about what banks do with people who don’t return money to them… If you take credit even 65$ and will not pay, no matter reason, they don’t care that employers do not pay salaries for months, they hire collectors. Collectors will ring on your phone, saying that you will have problems, that they will bite you/kill you. Then they come to your apartment in high-rise building, and paint graffiti that says “debt”, or worse they will paint what they say on phone. They will paint all building, elevator, etc… Sometimes collectors bite, there was case when collectors come home and start rape… Or was one accident when collector threw a Molotov cocktail in window… I don’t even know, was it part of job… Police don’t want to help, guess connections…

Don’t know should I write you… Psychologist say that it is part of work on myself, but I don’t sure that can help me… I just don’t want to take your time… I wish I have indicator bar to see my progress… Maybe I really should write to write book, and when all world will read it, maybe then depression will go away… They say that nothing nothing happens quickly, so maybe its like lvling up, I play mounth,2 and one day see my characters are 40-lvls, and maybe here its work similar… Or maybe I wasting time of mine of yours… I don’t know… Well I can’t sit doing nothing, so need to pull myself together, and do what I should… But I still don’t know should I write a book it will be really hard job to do… really don’t think that it’s a good idea… Well maybe someone have a similar experience and give me advice? I mean how much I need to speak out to make a progress in treatment of depression? Please, help me. I write I guess 1-2 years on 3 Russian forums and now here… I do not want to do you a favor, that I write here, but I want to move depression away…

Oliveira wrote:TW = Trigger Warning. Topics which deal with difficult subjects, such as self-harm, suicide, traumas, criminal acts, etc. are marked TW.

LoL I was thinking that TW=twice, and that I make my topic twice) Now I know what topics I should read.

No answers at all… Guess its because you despise me… I know why… I don’t work, living
by money of my boyfriend and sometimes parents, and because of my outlook on life… Guess writing here wasn’t a good idea… From other side I stepped over fear and do what I must… Feel ashamed and feared… At least I did it… Didn’t feel happy… Guess I supposed that some support my words, my position, that I am not so crazy, that I don’t understand anything… Feel some kind lonely… Even close to me people does not support all my thoughts… One of my friends (he is gay) said that if his child will be gay, he will kill him (not literally, of course)… My boyfriend ashamed of his self that he is gay, because its amoral, bad, he feel guilty to his parents, don’t know how to look in their eyes if they will know about us… What to speak to them if they stammer at such simple things… Or maybe they right? Almost all my life I was sitting at home, watched movies, played games, so I saw the culture, or maybe mentality of people who live in other countries… Of course I know that a lot of there is not real, but the way they doing it is very different from what is in my country. So I wanted to see how people from civilized countries react on what I write… For me to put people in jail for pedophilia is savagery, my boyfriend can be in jail, because when I was 17 and 10-11 months he was older than 18, and if it would be known, he would be imprisoned, even in top country USA, the cradle of democracy… I don’t think that its right, for me there must not be punishment for that, because it’s the nature, also its humiliate people, because its saying that before age of 18 you don’t have right to have sex… I can’t tell nothing about sex lower 14 years, when there is no sex wish, I don’t have knowledge about that. I tell about time when person physically ready for it. Of course it can be that person didn’t understand what happening to him/her, there can be rape, but why not to judge for rape then? It will be justly, but no, instead of it they want to put my boyfriend in jail, and make us both suffer… Is it right? Fu**ing no! It can’t be right when human rights are violated, when there is no harm to anyone… O, sorry there is harm. Harm for the people who hate gays, thinking that sex is evil, they don’t like what we did. So these people who must be protected? These? I tell you about these people more. Recently in Daghestan (it’s a federal subject of Russia, not the best of it, I live in better place than that) was killed transgender, who changed sex from male to female, she was killed after 2 days she married… People just killed her because she is amoral, bad how they thought… They really believed that they do right thing, they believe that they do world better, cleaning it, and the Allah(yep, this time not standard god) will approve what they did… Nobody will be punished… as usual… They will live their usual life and don’t care that first they before broke her life and now they take it at end, and I will not surprised if they will be proud of what they done… They are good, we are bad, we are mistake of the earth, that’s how they think… Don’t know when it ends, I hope in future people will be smarter, and get rid of all the prejudices, and will look at our time like something wild… But what to say if even in top country in the world America was incident in Orlando, where was killed a lot of people in gay club by crazy terrorist. Well the incident with transgender for me looks more horrible. In America these people are protected by country, society are much tolerant… But where she lived all is more darker… All her life they laughed at her (not my imagination, there are real facts), she lived in contempt and humiliation. Her parents abandoned her after her marriage, and her father say that will not mind if his son who "dishonored the whole race," killed in front of his eyes. I don’t know… I feel so bad after this… But don’t think I feel worse than she…She really tried hard to make her life better, she did operation of sex change! Its unreally hard to do it in our country, you need a lot of money and strength to pass all the obstacles, and she made it! But now all what she did is senselessly, all her pain, suffer, all what she lived was in vain… Its horrible… And more horrible is that she is not one person, people live like her are many in country, I am not even speaking about the world… Its hard to imagine how it is in other countries, but here I can see it clearly… They live, they suffer, they die, some from suicide, some from hands of others… And they can’t do anything… People don’t really care about them… Well… For your understanding I tell you about gay prides in my country, its revealing for me because it touches on many areas of life, the state policy, the mentality of the people of their morals and manners, the consciousness their self as a free man, understanding how world works. People, and even some gays saying that this prides are stupid window dressing, that they should sit at home and be quiet, that they have rights, that can meet everyone they want… If you say that they can’t have marriage and have children’s, they answer that - if they love each other, they don’t need documents, and kids from gays what? They will never be normal, always be contempt, they should not have kids because they will suffer. Or that there is no problem, gays marry lesbians to have formal marriage and live how they want… Well they think that it is normal, normal that in fact these people officially are nothing. For me these people are practically best part of our society, because they are trying to defend their rights! They do it not because wages delayed for months or even years, not because their place where they must live is stolen /destroyed/not constructed. These people are fighting for acceptation them as normal people. They do what a lot of people afraid to do. And they are derided, humiliated - look these stupid gays haha, they violate the commandments of God, destroying Russian culture, and just are not normal and sick… So lets beat them, these fu**ing gayrope (mangling of word Europe), USA agents sent buy American government to seduce out children… For me the worst thing was to hear from doctors, the people who are intellectual elite of country, people who must bring light and knowledge, saying that sodomy is schizophrenia, they have no future, at end their waiting eternal torment in hell… Nothing to say……………….



I don’t know… I think I am unworthy to say anything bad about my life… People are envy me, that I have my boyfriend and have money that they don’t have… I always thanked that I can assess my well-being only by my own income, because if there will be no parents and boyfriend I will live on street… But yes its silly, because it’s now I sit in apartment and don’t go out, it’s now I have good pc and play games, it’s now I can eat meat and even sometimes can aallow myself pizza and hamburgers… I am shame of myself… I think I can tell about myself only if I was born poorly, because all my acquaintances are so… I mean poorly that they can’t have good money from work, the all money they earn, they spend on apartment rent (because they can’t live with parents, or moved from other cities, villages, sometimes parents say that they must have earn money buy their own, but in most cases they can’t live with parents because parents are crazy). So they are in much worse position then me + they use drugs, so they need in money more than me… Eh… I so hoped that I will be able ern my own money, and depression will go away… So many plans… But I am just scared to go away from my apartment. But the point is that I go away, because when I go through fear I become stronger, how they said… Well… I go through fears many times and still do it and don’t see changes… From other side I really become stronger, I stopped being snotty good man, now I see what real world is, how it works, I stopped cry and wait when somebody help me and do what I must do – I do all buy my own… no its best say that I do all I can, I can’t do all. I remember how my boyfriend was with me in hospital and he always tried to speak with others instead of me, because he know that speak with other people is hard to me, that panic begins, so I always interrupted him and tried to speak, no matter how I was scared… The funny moment if I was alone, I guess I will dream that somebody will spoke instead me, but when he was here I speak buy myself and didn’t let him do it instead of me, I guess its important… Its was like voice in head (well its only my own thoughts, I just speak a lot time with myself) saying that – “Are you coward? You’re butt always must be wiped buy somebody else? You really so weak that you can’t speak? Your age people creating carriers, some are earning millions, and you like a baby can’t talk with people?????? Are you really so useless? Maybe you should kill yourself??? But you know you can’t because you can’t make your boyfriend suffer haha But you know, that he is suffer anyway, if he don’t like you, he just wait when your parents die and when you sell apartments he steal your money, and if he love you, he see how you suffer and he feel bad from it, and he can stop love you at any time, so its always be pain)))) So are you so worthless?” So if I ignore this and don’t do what I need I will feel my self bad so I all time try to go through myself, because it will be worse… Eh… really I am in much more better position then they… I just wish if I die, before that I sell apartments of my parents (they must die before me) so I will be able to help one friend with his bank credit, and give other money to other friends so they will be able to buy drugs… Sadly that its not enough, I want to earn before my death lot of money, must to make it, only I can. I don’t want to say that I am better then the others, if really I say what I feel it is fear, I fear for the future of other people… I am not Mother Teresa, but these people really need help, and they have nothing except despite, if not, they or don’t interested and ready to steal from people like them or just too poor. I can’t take money of my boyfriend, because first it is his money and only he can spend them, and second, he will not want to give them… I don’t much want to give my last money if I will live, there must be really a lot of money, because if I will live, I need a lot of them to be able not to go out from street and have all I need, so or I will become rich and help my friends, or I suicide and before that I give all I have because I will not need it… My boyfriend will be against it… Well he can earn on his life, but they can’t so they need money more… I have a dream some days ago, so I have some idea to create game. I don’t hope that it will give me a lot of money, but the main thing is that I was afraid that if I learn programming, I will have no idea and will not be able to do anything, but now I have… Well its first idea from all my 22 years, I have bad imagination and I can’t just to imagine anything, I can only copy… So its quite reassured me, so now I need to find energy to learn dot painting and programming… But first I need to lvl up characters to 40 then 60 lvls and earn money on it… I didn’t did it a lot of days, its hard with depression to do, but I try to focus.

It hard to write, feel depressed, pain in head (not physical) like saw in brains, and constantly sounding sadly music (I know its not real) killing me… Really hard to write, I know I need to do it, don’t be lazy, but I just write next time…