Don't know how to live... *TW*

Hi. Don’t know how better to start… Well start from introducing myself… I am 21, male, living in russia with my boyfriend… Yep I write russia from small letter, it’s not a mistake. I have a lot of problems and most of all are with my head… I have depression and strong sociophobe (not sociopathy) … I can’t normally go out from my home, panic begins… Tried to kill myself twice but I’m kind of survivable lol… despite the fact that health is very bad… I don’t know how to live on… I tried to go to psychologists, but all of them or can’t help me… Psychologist said to me that no psychologist can’t help anyone, only human can help himself… So I tried… 2 times I entered the medical institute, tried to study, but I can’t… In first almost all bully me, and then I make my first attempt to kill myself, but I mixed dose, so I just used the 1/10 of what was need… In 2-nd institute people treated me fine, but I have no strength to continue… There I make 2-d attempt to kill myself, because I was going to be expelled, and the problem was in that if I will be expelled, then parents will take me back in city where I live, and I never be with my boyfriend because he will wait when I again get into a university, but I know that I will not, because I have no strength/energy to do it… So the 2-d attempt was failed, I cut my hands as hard as I can, put them in a water, but I leaved not alone, rented a room, I was more that hour in bathroom and I was afraid that I lose consciousness then they knock the door, and I never can’t kill myself because I all time will be under the supervision of parents/doctors… Its unusual feeling when you lose a lot of blood, I find it kind of interesting… Firstly I can’t even sit, I just crawl from bathroom to my room… That’s kind of funny moment for me) The next days I can’t stand, when I went to shop, I every minute squatted, because when I stayed, I feeling if I lose consciousness, people looked at me strangely, thinking that I under drugs…

Well back to theme… I didn’t return home to parents, they were mad, talking that I am not their son… I’ll write about them later… So I was needed to find place where to live and work to have money, boyfriend helped me, but he doesn’t have them enough. I got a job… well it’s hard to call job, I was needed to install operating systems, programs, music, pics, games on client’s devices… It was hard even to do this, I just wanted to lock myself in the house and not go out… But I overcome myself and go to work… Money was not many, 240-450$ (at old dollar cost, now our currency cost 2 times lower) per month, but all go to rent of room and food… And I always were late, I can’t go and don’t late, its very hard even to come there, it’s very hard to overcome myself, but I everyday tried just to go there, and they fine me because I was late and it take 10-30% of my salary. So I think to find a new job, because low money, worktime was from 8am to 7-8pm, and it’s some type of illegal work, because pirate windows etc. and one-day people from ant pirate organization can come to me and fined or even sent to prison. So first I tried to became the seller in Samsung shop, tried to be interviewed, but failed because I was afraid and can’t normally talk, so they don’t take me.

The next try was applying for a job sticker ad on streets, I think that will be good for me, that I will not sit in place and some type keep in shape myself, and most important deal with social phobia. First I don’t like was that I needed glue to stick ads, I needed to buy it myself, I spend all daily money what will have from work, but I think it’s okay, people do this job, they somewhere find cheap glue and I will find… But what happened next was very heavy for me… I stick ads and from nearby car men shouted “Hey freak, it’s my street, I am deputy, get out from here!”. I waited when he gone, then continue to stick ads. Then he come to me, hit me on the head, saying that look who I am, look at numbers of my car, you have a lot of problems, you break the law… Then he asked why I am shaking, is it cold, I said yes, he answer its nothing, freeze your eggs, become wiser. Then the car drove to us, 2-3 people moved out and came to me, they tried to put me in it, but I run away. From that time, I can’t go out from home around year… Then I tried to find job. Some of friend say that he knows place where to go and there give good job… So I go there… Well, that organization was some kind of scam… They recruit people for other companies, its scheme like company pays to them, and they give part of money to recruiters… But problem not in that. They pay around 15$ (at old dollar cost) per worked day, they require that who go to work every day send sms to them before starting of a day, and if sms won’t be send, money for the day will not be played. Then in the end of day I must take a paper with signature, and at the end of month I need to give all papers to my company, and If I will not give them at the end of month, they will not give the money, and money they send on bank card and the bank’s ATM is 1 on whole city. And the first week they will not give money, because they give t-shirt and badge, and I must pay for it by my work… I think that on this work I must do nothing, because conditions are crazy, that I will sit there for the end of day and all. But when I came, I was need to work all day, from 8am to 9pm. I tried to work this day, tried do all I can, there was need to sort clothes, curators scolded me because I do all very slow, all other worked much faster, but I could not do anything faster, I have bad coordination, and hands shaking… I feel myself like in hell, I go out and back a lot of times, wanted to run, called to my boyfriend, tried to calm down, but I can’t do anything with my head, it’s like a needle in it, and burn like hell… Well I tried to endure to the end of the day, few times called to company to say that I need to go, first time I hung up and tried to pull myself together, second time I called them they say that if I go out from work, I will have to pay a fine… So I tried to endure to the end of the day, I think it is training of willpower, the next day I didn’t come, and I find 3 big herpes on my lips, they often come out when I am in stress, if its strong they come out in next minutes and can grow big in few hours…

After all I didn’t work at all… I don’t have strength to do anything, so I tried to find psychologist…. I tried before too, so I tell how it was. First psychologist was payment, I told mother to find him, because she saying that I am crazy because I am gay, dressing girl clothes, and I need to cure my head… So I talked with him, he takes a lot of money, but in the end he says that he does all he can and he can’t help me, I need find someone else. Well at last parents don’t bothered me about my orientation… I tried to find someone in my city, tried to go to the mental hospital, at first they say that I shouldn’t go there, because I will ruin my life, I say newer mind, because I feel bad, but they don’t let me in because I don’t have some documents, and I can go to mental hospital only in city where I am registered on the passport. I go to another place, like city Hospital, talked to psychologist, he says that there is some kind of professor in city medical university, and I can be some type of experimental subject, that who study will research me, and this all he can help, I agreed because I have no money for payment psychologist. He calls him on phone, say that here is unusual case, but at the end of talking he say that whom he called doesn’t interested, and he can’t do nothing. Then I moved to my town where my parents live, I need to do some work with documents, make new etc… So I say mother that I need psychologist, so she talked and payed some money to psychologist who work in city Hospital. We talked a lot, and she say that she can’t take money, that she can if she wanted, that I am kind of a cow that can be milked, but she can’t, and said to find someone another, and tell me who to go, and said me not to go to their mental hospital because they will not help me, they only make me vegetable. So I go to another, she gives me some tablets, then change it few times, I drink it but… em… my penis doesn’t stand after them… And psychologist say that tablets don’t really solve problems, so I stopped to take them… I write on russians psych forums, write a lot, but no doctor answered, people saying take care, all will be good… and that I write a lot… Finally, I tried to find doctor in my city through russian LGBT community, I talked to her, and how I understand she don’t want to work with me notwithstanding that she works only for money… I don’t understand… They say that psychologist can’t help me and I must do all by my own, simultaneously saying that I need to find someone who will help me… Saying that the depression is dissatisfaction with my needs, that tablets won’t help me, that I must stop being a child and start to solve my problems, and in the same time saying that I need medical l care… I don’t ######6 understand it… What I need to do? If I understand wright, I have depression because life isn’t what I want, and it will never be, I was so much time alone sitting at home, that I think the world around me can’t be physically what needs to me, no matter that I will do. The only solving of problem I see Is drugs and painless suicide. But for drugs I need money. So I need to earn a lot of money, for that I need to move out from my country, do something, get a good job and then bought drugs like heroin that will be enough for the rest of my life… But I can’t do It because I feel bad. To feel good, I need drugs, even alcohol is very weak for me. Its sound crazy but I just don’t see anything else… I don’t want anything; I sick of all… I don’t know for what live… I just wait when I feel good, but I do something, don’t do, in don’t change anything. When I was young I have a dream, that someday, somehow I will be in some kind of my world, where I feel good… I thinking that it will happen, it must happen, or for what I am living, what is sense… But as I become older, I understand that will never happen, only if I become crazy there is some chance… Some days ago, when I was falling asleep for some seconds I feel good, I saw some dream, it doesn’t have sense, but I feel myself so good… I was really happy… But it was few seconds and I wake up… I just don’t know… It’s the one thing I really want… But I newer will have it… It’s Impossible… No pc games, or something like that can’t give it… I feel so bad right now…. I deleted a lot of message after I waked up, because at this part I was very inadequate and write a lot of crazy things…

I’ll tell about my childhood, how I understand its most important part for psychoanalyst or something like that… First I was born… sounds funny lol… I was born, and because of fallen asleep or don’t cared med personal something happened to me, and they reanimated me, and I was in some hypoxia. I have a lot of problems with health and doctors say that I have Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). I was very hyperactive, parents walk with me to doctors a lot of time and they say that all is normal, with age it will go away, there was no treatment, and they say that tablets that given from this are strong and bad for health so or they didn’t want give it to me, or it is illegal in country I don’t know. I have a lot of problems because of my behavior… For one of psychologist mother mowed with me to other city, hoped doctor help me, but when we came to her she just laughed and say that I am kind of wrong/stupid and nothing but problems from me should not expect. Nobody liked me, always tried to beat and humiliate me… I have some type of memory loss when I was young. It’s like my life started from there, I didn’t know where am I, who am I, I even didn’t recognize my parents. I tried to look like nothing happened, because I was afraid that I will be locked in mental hospital. I remember my first time I go to kindergarten, don’t know was that my first time, but for me it was first. I go to room where was chairs in half-circle where kids were sitting and in front of them was a governess. There was free chair and I tried to sit on it, but kids moved to it, I tried to sit at another, they moved to, and then they knocked me to the floor and started beating. They beat me, some time has passed, then governess say enough, and they stopped… I don’t sure was it real, maybe it was a dream, it’s so crazy for me, it’s hard to believe that was real…

Because of my disorder I sited at home most time, not all sometimes I walked with my classmates, but generally I say that I was alone around 17 years… Don’t know is it wright, I didn’t sit all time in cage, but I didn’t have any real friends… Mother hired nannies, and she with them teach me so I was prepared for school, and parallel taught English. I didn’t want to learn, so they were strict to me, and sometimes beat me… They beat me a lot of times, sometimes with reasons, sometime without… I remember how father beat me because I didn’t eat, first time I played with mermaids in the form of small animals, I did it very long, so when he saw that food was untouched he took the belt and beat me… 2 times he beat when I didn’t eat because food was too hot for me… The most time when they beat me they use belt, or item that is like stick, sometimes just fists, sometimes just grabbed things and throw into me… They beat me until I became 16 I think… They just scold me… They tell me a lot of things, that I am nothing, achieve nothing, look at other kinds, how they learn at school, they will have a lot of money, good carrier, they will carry their parents abroad, they have future, and look at yourself, don’t learn at school (I really didn’t learn), we have invested so much money in you and how you paying? How will you look at our eyes? You will be or addict or janitor. They said a lot of things to me, hard to remember… But they love me… I don’t feel the same…

I was moved to school at years 6 I think and go to 2-d class, because I went through the program of 1-st at home. I talked a little with the kids, because my nanny takes me at home, and I did homework and learned school program beforehand. So I have few time to relax, sometimes I learned even in weekend, it was some type of punishment for bad behavior, sometimes it was just for I learned more… I remember a day, when nanny didn’t come at home, it was around 2-4 class, don’t remember when exactly… Father called at phone and say that nanny will not come and I must learn by myself, I say ok and sited watch TV. After 5-15 minutes I heard that lock of home door is opening, I run in my room to take a book and make it look like I'm learning. He knows that I didn’t learn and started beat me, shouting that I must learn… So for the end of the day I learn what he sad and he checked all time… They always checked what I do, what I learn, and if they noticed that I didn’t did something, it became a problem, the best of all was that I just did it in time when I could relax, the worse was that they can beat me, and I never know what expect from them… At school nobody like me, they or beat me, or laughed at me, or Ignore… Sometimes someone become friendly to me, but in second day he does what I write before, without any reason… Nobody liked me, all from young to old said that they sorry for my mother because I am her son… As I write I have ADHD, it was hard to sit normally and learn, for example at time when lessons are I painted my hands with paint, and run inside class… And of course after that my parents beat me… I think they beat me 1-2 times every week, when I learned at school… Mother cried every time, asking why I am lying that I will do good behavior, when I will be normal, stop lying to us etc… They say that I don’t understand nothing but force, that after that they beat me I have good behavior for some days, so if I do not want in a good way, will be in a bad way. It’s hard to say how strong they beat me… It’s hard to measure pain… There was a lot of bruises on me, back and butt were in stripes, some was randomly on body, sometimes it was on face… I wanted to steal parent’s car, and move away or just kill them, but I thanked that they are so good with me, they love me, take care of me, and is this is how I pay them, they do all for me, but I didn’t nothing… At 5-e grade I moved to another school, because the rules… There nobody liked me too… There was a lot of gopnik (hooligan I think is synonym), so they beat me very often, humiliated me, extinguished cigarette butts, spat at me, throwing rocks… A lot of times when I come home they surround me and beat me and kick… I always I tried to fight back, but I wasn’t strong enough, so when I was brought down to earth, I pulled their hair, biting, sometimes I tried to bite the finger or gouge out an eye… Parents sent me on sport, they wanted I can protect myself, I go there, don’t remember what I do there, I just remember how trainer says that he keeps me here only because he was sorry for my mother… It was a lot of times when they tried to beat be… They waited me near my door, urinated on it, trying to break the lock, put in it small rubbish, and when I am trying to get rid of beat me… I just write the day when I was learning in 11 class. I went out from my apartment, its big house with a lot of apartments where different people live… I move out and on my way was gopniks, one of them kicked me and say run, I started to go slower because I know if I run it will be worse, but I afraid to fight, and was afraid that they will burn my hair, they are long its some type of girly… I afraid because one time some people wanted to do it saying that their city is not for #######1, here live only normal people. So I go by my own business, then some people from school met, they start singing yo informal, gays of city ------ . Then when I go to home some guys shouted to me, sayed go here, I move fast from them… Remember how men say to me that my dog is at his high-rise building, go there, I didn’t go and when I was at home my dog was there…

Before 5 class nanny always accompanied me home… I remember a day when I go without her, home was just around 500 meters… When she came, she says that she will tell my parents about my obedience, I very long I begged her not to tell, I was afraid that they will beat me… I remember how one day I said to nanny that I will not go home, I played with kids, and when I come father beat me… After 5 class I go to home by myself, then go to nanny and learned until night, then go home, and sleep, or finishing work… Mother did some type of schedule in which I have to live, she says that time for rest, when I can do anything I want is 1 hour, and if I did all lessons on week, I can rest on Sunday. When I was ill flu they sent me to school, mother was mad, shouted on me, saying that how I will learn, what grade I will have If I stay home, that I will stay for 2 year, students will be ahead on the school curriculum and only I one will be behind all, saying that didn’t I understand that pills is bad for brains, that more time I am ill more I need eat them, I need to recover, that I do it bad, that I refuse to glue mustard plaster on feet (she always tried to cure me that way, feet was hurt so much after that, so it was very hard to walk), said that I am a man and a man must tolerate, my illness is my fault … I was sick several times a year, it lasted from 2 weeks to a month, and every time one same picture… They sent me at school until temperature become high and I feel so bad that I barely went… But if it was holidays, even I feel good, she says me not to go from bed… In holidays I learned too, passed the curriculum in advance…. I always tried not to learn if there was opportunity… In 7-10 class I didn’t learn, ran away from school… Parents was angry, but they refused from nanny’s, said that I must love learning. I remember mother asked me, what school subject I like, I said no one, she said how, you must love something, if you don’t like, how you will study, how you will work, what future will you have, so I answered randomly mathematics, and she said, so its mathematics, you love it, you must learn it, I will find you tutors on it… I rarely go to school and have 2 and 3 marks, grading is from 5 (highest) to 2 (lowest), so mother give kind of bribe to school and I was transferred to home schooling. Mother say that I am wunderkind and I was transferred to special education because I am very clever but I am punished for my behavior and I will learn home all day… I don’t know when hyperactivity started subside, but I remember that I always wanted move to another place and behave normally, I afraid to do it where I live because I think if all will know that I am adequate, they will punish me for all my sins, they just don’t do it because they think I am crazy, so I tried to behave like a clown farther… I have no friends, people with I wanted to be tried to make me a scapegoat, I didn’t want it but I know if I won’t be with them I’ll be alone and I will lose my mind…

I don’t know how I live until these days if I didn’t have computer… I think I just don’t survive… It was the only thing give me joy… I played games, watched films… When appeared online in my house, I find yiff websites (its furry porn) … I was happy, because I think I am only one crazy in this world, that there are people that have same fantasy like me… So I fapped days and night at yiff and hentai, it was my happiest time in life… I do it and nowadays, real sex isn’t so good for me, I tried with boys, girls, and it’s hard to do it, I have some health problems, and I can’t do anal sex, there are some problems with butt, I don’t know how to cure it… In 13-16 I wanted real sex, I meted in the internet guy with my age, when I was 14-15, and we still communicate… I liked him, we have a lot of similar interests… He had sex with many guys, some was his age, some much older, like 20-40. I wanted be with him, do the same, but he lived in Moscow, its biggest russian city, and I can’t be with him… I think if I have sex in right time I will not have problems with it, but now I think time is missed, and I don’t very want it now, I hate humans body, it’s disgusting, it’s hard to look at real porn, at real body, I do it rarely for some kind of diversity… And real sex for me is some kind of hard to do, it’s hard to enjoy it… So I very wanted to move in Moscow, this guy wanted to became a doctor, and I wanted it too… I don’t know, he was very smart, read a lot of books, not like standard literature, I mean it was some type of science books, math’s, physics, he knower it well, not school program… And it was his will, he was kind free of parents, he does what he wants, he doesn’t have problems like me… He inspired me to learn, I very wanted to move out from place where I leave and it was the only way for me… So from summer holydays of 10 class I tried learn, learn very hard, I drink liters of coffee, sleep very few, tried to do all I can. In 11 class I moved to another, where profile subjects are connected with admission to the University, I stopped communicate with old classmates, because they wanted me be scapegoat, and I don’t want waste time on them. In new class everyone ignores me, nobody spoke to me like I am not there, it was hard to me, but I think that is not the big problem, because after 1 year we will be in different places. But in the middle of 11 I slowly stopped learning, the more I learned, the more I was feeling weak, at the end, when time of exams come, I practically stopped studying… I go to tutors all this time, and all of them wanted to give up on me, because all what I learn I forgiven, forgotten what I remember and understand even day ago, but I pleased them not to do it… So at the end of 11 class I didn’t learn, I have very bad mood, I feel broken, I started to cut myself, because when I did It bad mood go away… Anyway I passed exams, not good, but my results were better some of my classmates, and this was after minimum 4 years I didn’t learn anything, I know nothing, I don’t even know how world map looks like… When they saw my results, they were shocked, they even started speaking with me… But my results weren’t enough to pass University I wanted, so slowly I fade in depression. In summer holydays parents wanted take me to Turkey hotel, where beach, sun etc… I hated it, I didn’t like to spend time with them, but every time I didn’t refuse, because I was afraid that I will upset parents, will be ungrateful… But this time I can’t do it because I have scars on hands and I asked them to take me to grandpa who was ill cancer, so I will take care of him… It wasn’t very hard because uncle helped me, but still hard… The hardest part was going to shop… Every time panic begins… It started along ago, when I learned in school… I tried not to sleep because when I didn’t rest, I just don’t care about anything, so I just didn’t sleep or sleep few… All saying I look like addict, and it wasn’t joke… So I tried to care of grandpa, and free time played games… I cried, cut my arms, beat myself broke things around myself… I did all practically every day, because I wanted to stop hell in my head… I tell myself it’s okay, I will find someone with whom I will feel good, it’s okay, but deep inside I know that was a lie. I wanted move to this guy, even if we won’t we do not get along, I will find someone else, because in this city are a lot of people that I can friend with…

So I moved in new town, bigger that my, but still small and I can’t find anyone with whom I wanted to communicate… I think okay I will learn… 7 years how remember… then I will be financially independent, and I will move wherever I want, if I want I will pass exams and work and live abroad…lies lies lies… In new institute all bully me, I tried to kill myself… I write it before… Move to second, meted with my boyfriend, and now we live together…. If not him, I will not be able to live anymore… But I don’t feel happy… I remember what I wanted when I was 14-16, what I wanted then, then I have a want, but now… I want somebody kill me… It’s my dream… Well… I have another dream, what really I want live for… But I think it’s impossible… I want to become crazy, fall into a coma and live in world of dreams… If this is possible, this is what live for… But I think it impossible… I read about wonderland, about tulpa, trying to do it buy guides, but I afraid that just a stupid joke… Here quotations about what it is.

“What is a tulpa?

A tulpa is believed to be an autonomous consciousness, existing within their creator’s mind, often with a form of their creator's initial choice and design. A tulpa is entirely sentient and in control of their opinions, feelings, form and movement. They are willingly created by people via a number of techniques to act as companions, muses, and advisers. Tulpa forms can either be visualized in the mind's eye, or with practice seen as a hallucinatory figure.”

“What is a mindscape/wonderland?

A mindscape, also known popularly as a wonderland, is a mental environment created in the host's mind where the host and tulpa can interact visually with each other, without the need for the host to impose their tulpa into their physical environment. A wonderland can be revisited time and time again, although it may change under your own will, your tulpa's will, or subconsciously.”

I don’t know is it joke or not, but I want is so much, so I try, I will not listen to anyone who is against it…
I don’t know how to live further, if it’s not real… I need medical help, with my head and other problems… In my country its very bad, I can’t get psychological support. I have problems with spine, I have Osteochondrosis in neck, it’s very bad form, how I understand blood go to my brain bad, I feel myself very weak a lot of time, I want to sleep all day, I sleep minimum 10 hours, if I sleep less I feel bad, sometimes even sit on chair for me is heavy… And I smoke, with this disease its very bad, but I can’t not smoke, when I smoke I feel very bad, but depression stopping be so strong, when it becomes strong I feel myself inadequately, I want to run under car, want to jump through window, and I feel so bad, my head is torn from the pain, but not from headache, it’s not physical pain… I afraid go to doctors, because they are very bad, it’s very high risk, I can be paralyzed… It’s even hard to write… Even to read sometimes… I want to cure it all, I’ll stop smoke, but there is no help… The most I can its do physical exercises, but I have or bad mood, or physically weakness, it’s hard to do it, and sometimes after exercises I feel very bad… Maybe I’ll go to doctors, but they can just say do exercises… But if they try to do something with neck, they can break it, spine is unstable…. In town where I live now, one women go to eye operation… And now she is paralyses, because doctor touched a nerve… Hospital don’t want to tell what happened to her and tried to hide all from her relatives… I know how medicine work in my country… I’ll just say that I have a chronical Tonsillitis, it was started many years ago… On any medical examination I was not informed… I go to doctor in my town, asked to help me, she write some pills names, and she said come back again. I come back and asked her what is with my throat, is there something, on what she answered that in the world there are many diseases of the throat, bye, and she brought me out of door… There are a lot of examples from my life experience, it just takes a lot of time to write…

I don’t know how to live here… I won’t to move out to other country like USA, or Europe, I won’t to emigrate where lolicon and guro isn’t out the law, it’s one of the few of my consolations, and I don’t want be jailed for it… But how I saw to live in there I need to study, so it’s not my choice, I can’t handle that, or if I am humiliated my orientation, some LGBT help, but there must be documental evidence of it, for example company don’t take to work only because person orientation… I don’t have any documented evidence of discrimination… I write to russian LGBT community, asked them what are ways to emigrate to other country, write about me and they just silent for month… I write to people who are connected a lot of times, and then they answered me that they read my message but they think that I don’t have money so they decided not to answer me and they think that I need psychological help… I write them that I need to know how to Immigrate and about that there write about psychologist help on their website and they give me contacts of psychologist, and said that they will answer about my questions about emigration, but month passed and they didn’t answer… I write psychologist and asked her to help me, but she just started ignore me…. Mabey they all understand that my really way is death and answering and help won’t change anything… Or maybe I'm just a stupid lazy hysteric that don’t want do anything…

Sorry for so long message… I didn’t write a lot of things because it will be… maybe x10 bigger… So a lot of is missed, but primary is here. I didn’t write about my crazy grandma, about uncle, about how I gave away all the money in school, how I hit my nanny, how I was religious and afraid of god, how I was ashamed of the fact that I live richer people around me and wanted born poor, how I considered myself unworthy of my parents, how I think that because of me they will suicide, and with money I don’t have problems like before, my boyfriends and parents help me, but they think I am working , that mother laughs at me and asking why I didn’t have good behavior when I was young, and many other things…

This broke my heart. Big hugs if wanted Neko__Neko.

10 years ago I emigrated from Poland to Amsterdam. It was the best decision I ever made and I only regret not having done it earlier. Living gay in Poland was very difficult but nowhere near the hell that Russia is. I definitely recommend looking into emigration. What I did myself was finding a job first (through Monster website, but I also sent CVs to all openings in English that I could find), then moving. I felt very lonely for a while but I loved the place. Now, 10 years later, I have lots of friends, everybody knows I'm gay and nobody has ever troubled me about it. And when it comes to sex Amsterdam is way more open than any other place I've been to except possibly Berlin (which can be a bad thing too, sadly).

Regarding smoking can I suggest e-cigarettes? Personally I use snus that I import from Sweden – it's not 100% safe either but it doesn't bring all the carcinogens from tobacco.

Mental care here is approximately 1000% better than in Poland, that's all I want to say. I'm sorry the LGBT organisation didn't provide any help. I'd suggest you look around the web for job-seeking websites. I don't know about other countries obviously but here you can get by without speaking a word of Dutch, and that includes work.

Big hugs again – if wanted.

Hello Neko_Neko,
Welcome to the forums! Your story touched my heart. I have a mother's heart and it makes me shake my head at how your mother, or rather, parents, treated you. Thank you for sharing your story. You are a wonderful person and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! You are good and worthy of being treated with the dignity of a human being. That is your right.

You are very young and the world is yours. I used to live in a small town that had gossips everywhere and it had nothing to offer. I moved and joined the military and then after I did my tour, I got out and went to school. Then I was expecting a child and me and my husband got married and I've been a stay-at-home mom. Like you, I couldn't stay where I was from. It was not a good place. I now live in a much larger town (city) and I am very happy with my life. There are options out there for you. Just keep trying. You and your happiness are worth all the effort you put into finding what it is that will make you happy.

It is very sad to know of your attempts at your life. I'm very sad to know you were suffering so much, that you felt that that was the only way to handle your situation. But you are better now and that's what counts. I am pleased to know you have reached out to others for support. There are good people out there whom you can trust. The hard part is finding them. But don't give up. Never give up! I will end this with saying that I wish you the very best. Take care.

Oliveira wrote:This broke my heart. Big hugs if wanted Neko__Neko.

Thank you! ^.^

Oliveira wrote: 10 years ago I emigrated from Poland to Amsterdam. It was the best decision I ever made and I only regret not having done it earlier. Living gay in Poland was very difficult but nowhere near the hell that Russia is. I definitely recommend looking into emigration. What I did myself was finding a job first (through Monster website, but I also sent CVs to all openings in English that I could find), then moving. I felt very lonely for a while but I loved the place. Now, 10 years later, I have lots of friends, everybody knows I'm gay and nobody has ever troubled me about it.

I want to Amsterdam lol... Well I don't know how there is good living, but obviously better then russia, and there is some kind of freedom, that not in many countries, I like it... And I saw that there are lolikon/guro hosting servers, and how I understand I will not be jailed if live there... And there weed is legal You talk about finding job by some websites… But the problem is that Poland as well as Netherlands are part of European Union, and people living in it don’t have problems to move from one country to other, if they are part of it… But my country is not part of European Union, maybe Ukraine (the country what some parts russia occupied) will someday become (my uncle leave there), and maybe then this will work… But how I understand I can’t just find job and move there… I need to pass some test, I think it will be very hard for me, a lot of interviews, that I will fail, I could do it only if I was very drunk, but they will don’t like that, and then I fail medical examination, because they will saw my scars (there are hundreds, or thousands of them), write that I am mental ill… There are really a lot of barriers for me… The other way is to get political asylum for discrimination, but there must be evidence of it… So that’s I write LGBT to understand am I right about it all, what I don’t know and are there other ways or not, and what is better strategy for me… For me even going out to street is kind of torture… Well when I drunk I with joy go out to take a walk, but I can’t go far, feel bad… I can’t live all life drinking, it’s just impossible… I just want to know what is the easiest way for me to do it, have some type purpose, know it how it looks, and knowing that is achievable for me, and if it not achievable right now, hoping that one day I will have enough strength to do it, and trying to go to it. It’s hard to explain… Maуbe (I think I write this word incorrectly) I’m lazy… I just feel tired, I just want to know what exactly do, and go to it, see how it is… And I like to saw people experience, when I think about something to do its look hard, but when I see what man do, it’s easy for me to do… I was very confused that I write and why… oh lol… Well okay, I move farther… I thinking about job, how it will be…. It’s really hard to me to do something... I just feel myself very weak... And I don't know what work I can do... Physical... My hands are shaking, and I suggest that some part of brain is damaged what is connected with coordination of movements... Constantly accidentally hit objects, or drop them from my hands cut myself while cooking… Sometimes it’s even hard to stand, in the eyes of all the floats, white flies, and heart beating crazy... Sometimes I'm full of energy, do a lot of things until the day end... If the work connected with intellectual activity... I have very bad memory, I muddle together people's faces... I just think if somebody take me to job only because of pity... The work what I guess can do, is something when sit in front of PC, do some easy things... I hate the routine… But I don’t see other what I can do, at least in my condition… I just say I do what I can, I don’t do more because I will spend my resources, and or I will not do anything a lot of time, or become inadequate, I'm afraid that will refresh when I realize what I had done a lot of things about I will regret, I try to control myself… So I do as far as I can, and it is too little…

Oliveira wrote: And when it comes to sex Amsterdam is way more open than any other place I've been to except possibly Berlin (which can be a bad thing too, sadly).
Mental care here is approximately 1000% better than in Poland, that's all I want to say. I'm sorry the LGBT organization didn't provide any help. I'd suggest you look around the web for job-seeking websites. I don't know about other countries obviously but here you can get by without speaking a word of Dutch, and that includes work.

Oh...Sex is so sadly theme for me... I loved play with dildos years from 14 and that was awesome And even then every time was blood…not a lot but was… But now… Something happed or to my butt or intestines or stomach… I have constipation, sometimes very heavy… Enemas do not help, it even become worse… I go to paid doctors, they didn’t find anything… And the problem is that…em…I can't clear insides for procedures... I go to lower gastrointestinal series and not full colonoscopy, they can't see anything… I did all what they say to me, eat a diet, but ineffectually… Doctor say that to find a problem they need to see what is there, I asked what to do if they don’t see, they don’t answer… I tried to do colonoscopy again, it was… deeper lol… And I can’t handle it… They did it without anesthesia, I just can’t endure the pain… So I find a place where doctors do it with anesthesia, after month of waiting, go there, and they say that the equipment does not work… Summary I spend 2-3 mouth and nearly 300$ its big money and if parents didn’t give me them, I just wouldn’t be able to go there… There is a free medicine… But to do it I need to move to my town, because my registration is there… And a doctors are very bad… I just did operation, waited for it 5 months, it can be much longer, only because parents payed… free medicine lol… I write the most important only… In the end when appointed date, doctor go to vacation, and I go to who replaces him and he say that he doesn’t know nothing about operation and that I need wait all from the beginning… So parents payed again for analyses for anesthesia (not to him, they payed doctor who operate) and problem solved… And in the end they made me operation that have 1/10 chance by statistic that I will lost my egg, and a big chance that I need to do operation again, and moved from hospital on second day after operation, despite the fact that I need to stay there for a week or two… I just want to say that medicine is bad, but the faster I get rid of the problems then better, and it is unclear what will happen in the future health… I would not be so obsessed with health if felt good, but I am only 21, and I afraid what will be in future… I just look at Venezuela, look at my country, look at my abilities, and I'm scared… Maybe someday situation will be so bad that there will be no food in shops… It’s not my imagination, there are real examples in this world… People from government steal money, living reach, attacked Ukraine, saying that they save brother country from fascist, doing racket, killing, and do not develop economy, dependent on oil, saying that all is ok, need to wait… At least I have my boyfriend, I have place to live, have food, good PC, parents helping with money, and I live better than many people in my country… Parents saying if all be bad in country they took me to Ukraine… But the problem is I don’t want to live with them, I don’t want see them, I better stay with my boyfriend and starve to death… I don’t say that will happen, I mean if I have choice… I just can’t be with them… My country has no future… The rouble (currency) It fell against the dollar 2x times, and I think it’s only the beginning, because nothing was made to rectify the situation, and money are still stealing… It will be much worse… There was news… Men who worked rescuer suicided because of salary 75$ Teachers having around 257$ and police worker 757$, how I heard recently, and it depends on place where you are living…

Oliveira wrote: Regarding smoking can I suggest e-cigarettes? Personally I use snus that I import from Sweden – it's not 100% safe either but it doesn't bring all the carcinogens from tobacco.

E cigarettes are expensive, so I business some China lol, and liquids are from china too… Its nod hardcore China cheap toxic garbage, I know how bad things from China can be (lol remembered russian business coursed teaching how to create business – you buy goods from China and selling it 10x times expensive). So they are not very toxic at least. But the e-cig atomizer was dripping and flooded all Voltage/Wattage Mod, so it doesn’t work… I don’t know how to cleat it, knowing that ethanol can do it, but in my country created law and it can be only bought in pharmacy on prescription… Maybe I will clear it with vodka, but I afraid that there are impurity and e-cig will broke… But I don’t have much choice… And the most problem, I say before – after real cigs I feel bad, but because of it depression becoming softer… it’s like when physical pain prevails over the mental, when I cut myself something same happened…

Oliveira wrote: Big hugs again – if wanted.

I don’t mind it’s so cute ^.^

Thank you for writing me… I have some fear, I was afraid that when I open website people will talk that I am bad do not respect my parents, do not appreciate life that I should die and burn in hell… I don’t expect that really, it’s crazy, I don’t think it will have happened really, it’s some kind of irrational fear, but thoughts come and I can’t do anything with them… It’s like when I was standing in front of elevator and when door was opening for a second was little panic, I imagined that when the door opens man hit me in the face, I know that it will not happened, but for second I was very scared, and of course door opened and nobody was there… Or sometimes I afraid that from cupboard or under the bed monster will jump at me and will attack me with yell, so I every time check them… But the fear is very strong… Sometimes there are feeling that somebody is standing behind me, sometimes so strong panic begins, that I can’t sleep and I look around all the time… But don’t know, coincidence or not, when I started making tulpa, from that day this fears practically disappeared and I feel much better without them… They are sometimes, but not so strong as in past… So thank you for writing me… and reading so much text… I feel better and somehow calmer)

quietgirl2538 wrote:Hello Neko_Neko,
Welcome to the forums! Your story touched my heart. I have a mother's heart and it makes me shake my head at how your mother, or rather, parents, treated you. Thank you for sharing your story. You are a wonderful person and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! You are good and worthy of being treated with the dignity of a human being. That is your right.

Thank for what you write) Before I meted my boyfriend I was sure that I am not worthy of my parents, that they do all for me and I nothing, that many parents are much worse, and I am lucky… I always blamed myself, that I was a burden, that other people are better than me, that I am so ugly and awful and nobody will like me… He convinced me otherwise, that all this is wrong, and I started believe in it, but a lot of times I start thinking that I am not worthy, starting ashamed of myself for what I am… It’s hard to get rid of it, I trying to think logically, not to succumb to feelings, saying that this is not true, but it hard to believe in it… When people says good things, when you write message, I feel myself more confident, that's what my boyfriend told me is true, that I am not so bad… I don’t know how to explain… Logically I know that I am not worse or better than others, I am just who I am nobody can’t judge me and I mustn’t be ashamed of myself… But feelings try to say me another, saying that they lie, that I'm worthless… Its look like I’m programmed from outside, I do not feel that this is my … I just try not to succumb to it, and hoping one day I get rid of it forever…

quietgirl2538 wrote:You are very young and the world is yours. I used to live in a small town that had gossips everywhere and it had nothing to offer. I moved and joined the military and then after I did my tour, I got out and went to school. Then I was expecting a child and me and my husband got married and I've been a stay-at-home mom. Like you, I couldn't stay where I was from. It was not a good place. I now live in a much larger town (city) and I am very happy with my life. There are options out there for you. Just keep trying. You and your happiness are worth all the effort you put into finding what it is that will make you happy.

Military… You are strong) I want to laugh and cry… Not about you – about army in my country. There are some kind of law that every male that are 18 and don’t learning years MUST serve, if he will refuse, he became deserter and he will be sent to jail if he will be caught… So men are going to University, or trying to avoid army… But there is some type of culture among people, especially old, that if men didn’t serve he is not a man he is a traitor etc… Younger don’t think so… I didn’t serve, my parents helped me to avoid army, deal with doctor that she writes that I am mental ill… Funny that they don’t have to do it, they won’t take me to army, but because of parents I didn’t sit in mental hospital for month. They tried to deal with other doctors, I have real problem with neck and its dangerous to do some exercises, but doctors didn’t care, they were scared that I will not go to army, because they must report how many people they take, and they must take as much as possible or they will have problems. Army in my country is sh.. If you will be unlucky you get into a hot spot and can die. Die for government, for their money. Now if men come to army, he can be sanded to Ukraine killing “Nazis” as government says…When I write it feels so crazy so I don’t believe that its real, I start thinking that I just invented it by myself… But it’s true…better not… And they can just abandon from people who are there, saying that we don’t know who are these people, they didn’t serve in army. A lot of people wasn’t in hot spots; they just were in quarters… And there not all can be good, there can be some type of hazing, and they can humiliate as they want… Don’t know how with hazing in now times, but earlier problem was strong, many people killed themselves… I always looked at other countries I watched films, played games, heard songs… The culture is so different… I just can’t look at what happening in my country, not Africa Venezuela etc… My country where I live, where problems touch me… Other people looks like they don’t care… I don’t say that I am better than them, when people work, they just don’t have strength to think about something… But I am so angry about what all happening, but nobody does nothing and born children, thinking about great future, or just born them because other born… I don’t talk about you I talk about what here… I just don’t understand people… How can they bring child in this country…. I glad to gear that you find place where you can be happy… I hoping I will find my happiness too… I don’t want to kill myself, as minimum because I put so much efforts in all, it will be miserably if all will be in vain… But when I feel bad I don’t care I just want to die…

quietgirl2538 wrote:It is very sad to know of your attempts at your life. I'm very sad to know you were suffering so much, that you felt that that was the only way to handle your situation. But you are better now and that's what counts. I am pleased to know you have reached out to others for support. There are good people out there whom you can trust. The hard part is finding them. But don't give up. Never give up! I will end this with saying that I wish you the very best. Take care.

Thank that you write me, I am very pleased to hear what you say) I'm a little embarrassed from these words) I just not used that treat me well… I wish you best too)

P.S. Oh did you use ")" as a smile? I just recalled that I heard that in world people don’t use ")" as a smile only ": )"

Oh and funniest of all they can put me in jail for that I write about russian aggression against Ukraine They do it randomly and if they will see what I write they can do it They created new law that requires internet operators to store all the information for 5 months, but operators don't want do it because equipment will be very expensive and they will have to raise prices on internet cost and they loose clients and money so they try stretch time...

I have some thoughts that newer came to my head… When I have bad mood, I can talk about my life everything bad was and saying that I don’t feel good… When my mood is better I feel some kind guilty like right now… I don’t know what reason is… But I have new theory… Maybe I feel guilty because I think that’s I am lying to you and my life isn’t so bad as I say… But it’s a delusion… Its maybe like when I full of energy and feeling like never sleep… I know that I will want sleep soon, I go to bed and sleep, but when this feeling is, I don’t believe it, I know that it will be but don’t feel it… And maybe when mood going better I starting thinking new way, creating plans, starting doing it… And then again fall in bad mood and all feeling of guilty disappears… When I was learning in 1-st University, I wanted to sit home, but feel guilty that I didn’t did all I can and think that I am lazy… When I came there I understand that all is not true that I really feel bad… So I go there every time to prove myself that I really feel bad, I just forgetting that feeling that I feel bad… I mean when mood become better and I recall time when I feel bad it looks to me like nothing bad wasn’t happen I just Imagined… I forget that I feel bad, I remember that in sometime I feel bad but in that time its looks to me like nothing was, like it was not with me… So firstly I tried to study, but when all become impossible, I just go there every time to proof myself that I am not lying, to remember that I am not lazy, that I feel bad, and I must stop blaming myself…

And new thing… When I write about life in russia I starting thinking that I am crazy, that I imagined all this, that this is not real, that can’t just be… Maybe I just out of my mind and created world around me, created some country called hah russia that even not exist… Just overhead book 1984 and start to carry it in real world... Imagined some computers, games lol... Isn't it strange that I saw so many pictures, paints, I just imagined it all... Computers lol boxes with other world... That my parents never beat me, all was good, its just my imagination and paranoia… Or what I write isn’t bad all this is normal, because I see street and people are going to work, laugh, walk like all is good, nothing bad never happened, the country is flourishes, people are happy… Maybe world around me isn’t real, I just dreaming… It’s a one big bad dream that will soon end and all will be okay…

Neko_Neko

You are not a burden, you are a regular person who doesn't have an easy life. That's how I see it.

Thank you for the nice words of saying I am strong for being in the military. I learned how to shoot two types of firearms. Then later, I became an electrician.

The military there seems rather harsh. In the U.S. they don't allow hazing. When I entered the military, it was very easy to finish out the training.

yes, ":)" is the smiley face I use.

Take care.

Thank you for answer) Lol... I allays wanted to shoot from some weapons... But army is not for me...Army at U.S. is good, and they pay well how I know... I don't know is it luck for you that you were there or not lol. Electrician... Interesting choice for a women) But if I say what I wanted...Well... Its shamelly and funny... I from wery long time wanted to work in some type of brothel, or filming acting in porn, or selling dildoes, I saw online yiff toys shop and like it... I mean the all work they do to make shop and products, its so great that this exist in this world... When I see someone filming in porn, or going for sex for money I feel envy... I don't think I will really like it... But I can't say what I really wanted to do, I just thinking its my crazy fantasy that have no connection with real world... Well it's does not matter, I don't have health for this, I just physically I can not do it, so... I just trying not to think about it...

No, I mean about using this ) ")" using like smile))))

Hi Neko_Neko,

I was in the military 5 years, I was a sailor. I was on a ship for 2 years, then I went for training for Electrician and then I was at my last unit just over 2 years. I was actually promoted in my unit at the ship and I received two highly esteemed awards there. One was Sailor of the Quarter. You have to be voted in by a group on the ship for your outstanding work during those 3 months. My husband says how did you get these! Because they are not easy to get. I was a hard worker. Then as an electrician I learned a lot as there were 3 other electricians from different levels and they had experience. I learned a lot from them. I would be on call and a few times I made trips driving 1 1/2 hours away to work on equipment that they needed on a small boat as that boat was a rescue boat for that area. I worked long and hard. It was luck that I joined because I met a lot of good people and I received a lot of satisfaction from my work. Now, when I call people to come do work at the house like plumbing or electrical work, I know what they are doing and I understand much more then they think I do. My husband is an electrician for 20 years so he does some of the small electrical work at times. There are different types of electricians and we are electricians for ships.

Now I want to study Accounting.

No it's not shameful to be a woman electrician. Lol. It was rare, yes, because in my class at electrician school, there were only 4 girls.

You are thinking of working in a brothel. That is interesting indeed. I'm not sure what to think about that.

OK, I understand what you mean about your smile. )