I.. Enjoy..depression

I haven't always been depressed you see. I use to be a very happy man up until I lost the love of my life and my unborn child in 2007. Since that day, I have sunken really deep into a hole I will never get out of and I know that I'll never get out of it. I will always continue to wonder by my self in this everlasting darkness I have come to really enjoy and the fact that I am all alone down here and I have no help and no future, I feel more alive than ever..

I know this may sound weird or even Cliché but please, allow me to elaborate what I mean by this!

Firstly, I have only had one love in my life and I was with her for about 4 years. We planned everything as we always wanted to be prepared for unforeseeable things in life. At the time, I lived in Hawai'i working on a cruise ship. My life was going in such a wonderful direction and I was at the highest in my life. I was 20 at the time. Our contracts on the ship was 6 months on and 1 month off. We we're both on our last two(2) weeks on the ship before we we're to be sent home for our vacation. My girlfriend was pregnant at the time so she wasn't allowed to fly so she had to take ships to get home. Well, one our last week there, she went into town in Kona, Hawai'i to buy some souvenirs and such and as she was crossing the road, she was hit by a car and was flown about 30 feet. When she hit the ground, she hit her head first and immediately knocked her out cold.. She laid there, fighting for her life while I was on the ship wondering where she was because I was on the phone with her when she got hit... The last thing I heard her say before she got hit by the car was, "Noooo. OMG.." and then silence. I knew where she was and I kept saying, "Baby, what? What? WHAT? HELLO? KATIE.. KATIE.." I knew in that instant something was wrong and at the time, I was suppose to go to work but I didn't. I got my id's and and I signed off the ship and took a taxi to the shopping location she was at.. By the time I got there, there was police cars and an ambulance. The cops said no one can pass but I pushed the cop and he pushed me and I punched him because I needed him out of my way.. I ran to the ambulance and looked through the window and I see my Babe in there. The cop then came back to me and he was going to arrest me but I was in tears and I said, "I'm so sorry" but that girl in the ambulance is my girlfriend.. After some more talks, he drove me to the hospital and I told him I was so sorry for punching him. He knew how I was feeling because he himself, lost his wife prior.. I got to the hospital and after a ######6 hour or needing to know what was going on, they finally came to me and asked to come into the office so we could talk.. I went in there and he was beating around the bush I said to him, TELL ME! IS SHE ALIVE!! I NEED TO KNOW! PLEASE.... he told me, she passed... along with the baby..MY BABY! MY LOVE OF MY LIFE... I..i..i..i i.. collapsed..everything else that was being said to me, I didn't hear. I was in a daze.. I left the room and went to my Baby and I just gave her a simple kiss on her hand.. Her head was to.. well.. you get the idea.. I walked back to the ship.. It took me 2 hours to walk back.. I wanted to kill myself. I needed her.. I got back to the ship and told my bosses and they told me to not work anymore and they said, you need to go home..

So, after all that. I was sent home and I never went back to Hawai'i, to continue my life and career on the cruise ship.. Since then, I've fallen into a very deep depression and I enjoy being alone. Listening to dark music and not glazing with anyone. I love being miserable.. I've went to Doctors, Psychiatrists and done what they all asked of me.. nothing helped. ... But, I feel more alive than I have ever felt before.. Why is that? Why do I enjoy being alone and depressed all the time? Why do I love being so hateful to people. I was never bad but now I live a life of revenge.. The guy who killed my girlfriend, died from a drug overdose 1 month later because he couldn't handle what he done but to me, justice has never been given to me. Two(2) lives we're taken.. I..i.. the only thing that makes me feel good now is listening to my dark music. Particularly, there is only one theme song I listen too that makes me feel how I should feel: alone, and it is called Pandomonium..

Has anyone enjoyed being depressed or can relate to what I went through?..

Thanks for your time reading this..

Bye..

Big hugs if wanted...

I think I understand what you mean. In a way your life has been put on a pause in a place that's dark and painful, but comfortable and safe. When animals are wounded, they hide away from others. We're animals too.

Justice, unfortunately, doesn't really exist. But if the guy died of an overdose because of his guilt... that's possibly going to sound terrible, but he isn't going to kill anybody else ever again. And he's been in an awful lot of pain too – to kill himself like that. I hope one day your grief will end, and you will find it in you to forgive – as hard as it is to imagine – and move on with your life, back into light.

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