no one will ever love me

people always tell me that I'll find someone one day, but it's obvious that it's out of pity. Even if it wasn't, they can't know for sure. I know that i'll always be alone.

I have no friends at school, absolutely no one. How will I ever find a boyfriend? And even if I did, who'd put up with me? I'm extremely depressed, I have borderline personality disorder and PTSD, I was sexually abused as a child, and I'm never genuinely happy. Who'd want a disgusting girl like me?

I can hardly feel connected to anyone anyways. It's really rare for me to feel like I'm close to someone, and I have terrible trust issues that make it nearly impossible for me to believe in someone else.

I'm 16 and a half now, approaching 17. In less than 2 years I'll be a fully grown adult. I've had relationships in the past, however none satisfied me, because I got into most by impulse and desperation. The longest lasted about 8 months, but we were long distance. I keep thinking about how I'll probably reach adulthood without never have feeling true love before. Actually, never mind, I'll probably die without never have experienced being loved. Nobody wants a girl like me. Nobody.

My belief is that we really don't know the future. Are you seeing a psychiatrist and/or a therapist? If you are, then I know you are on the path to healing. With that being done, then like I tell myself, "surprise me!" Let life surprise you in showing you what it has in store for you. Don't ever give up on experiencing the little things in life that bring you happiness. Try not to take them for granted. I cannot promise you someone in your future. I can, however, promise you lots of possibilities for you to feel happy about yourself and about life. Speaking from a little bit of experience, try your best not to be in a rush to be in a relationship. That is solely my personal advice. Yes, I do understand you have your depression, BPD, and PTSD, but you are not the only one and look to others who have gone your path with your illnesses. Perhaps you can find some example(s) of success in this aspect of their lives. This can help to bring you hope. I have a mental illness that will never go away. Bipolar. It is ever-changing in how I have to deal with it's mood fluctuations. The advice I give you is the advice I have chosen to follow. And I will have my days when I don't feel great, but I have my future to be well and feel happy. I hope this helps, even if it was just a little bit.

When I was depressed I thought the same as you do -- nobody will ever want me. (Depression deals with big words: nobody, everybody, never, always, etc. Depression lies to you.) I had a short relationship which broke largely because I got depressed again and became "no fun".

I met my husband 4.5 years ago. I got diagnosed with bipolar 11 months after we met. He's seen me manic to the point of hospitalisation; depressed to the point of being suicidal and not moving from the sofa all day; drunk so bad that I spent the evening throwing up five times, then in the morning took my meds and discovered that when you mix them with a hangover you can get a stroke (I didn't, but I temporarily lost control of my legs). He's seen everything. My depression always repeated to me: you should leave him, he deserves better, you're nothing, not worth a relationship, you'll be alone forever. And then we got married, my depression returned and started its usual bollocks and suddenly I realised: getting married is quite a commitment. It looks like he doesn't want to leave me.

My previous relationships came with an expiry date. Because of my childhood (violent alcoholic father, mother who gave me silent treatment) I'd hook up with really terrible people. Then they would leave me and I would have another confirmation that I am unloveable. It took therapy to realise what I was doing and finally find a relationship that wasn't built on confirming that I was somehow wrong -- my husband finds me good enough even with all my shortcomings, bipolar, borderline traits, PTSD caused by events from my childhood.

Sorry if this sounds patronising but 17 is a very young age. I had my first kiss when I was 20. I am 38 now and got married a month ago. Remember that for a relationship even if it goes wrong with 20 people first, at the end you only need to find one. I won't name names of truly terrible people who found love, because I don't want to compare you with them. But trust me. It's possible.

PS. You are not disgusting. Sexual abuse is NOT your fault. The person who abused you is disgusting and I hope they were or will be punished severely for what they've done to you.

I think I've seen your post in yahoo answers. By any chance do you go by the user name of" a girl"?

That's interesting. I made up my username solely for this forum. The 2538 stands for the ages me and my husband were when we had our first baby. Now you have me curious, I want to look it up, perhaps they copied it from me, haha, just kidding!

quietgirl2538 wrote:That's interesting. I made up my username solely for this forum. The 2538 stands for the ages me and my husband were when we had our first baby. Now you have me curious, I want to look it up, perhaps they copied it from me, haha, just kidding!

Oh I was actually referring to slimegirl.her description sounds like something I've read off of yahoo answers. Not the same of course, but a lot of her symptoms.

Oops! I just read "a girl" and assumed it meant "quietgirl"