Warning: The Content In This Thread Might Offend Some

Hello everyone. I have another question that's also been bugging me for several years. However, the content of this post might offend some people in this forum. I apologize in advance if the content in this post offends anyone. Anyway, here goes what I wanted to know about:

I went to see my first psychiatrist on July 2013. The psychiatrist seemed very tired, inattentive, and possibly falling asleep. However, I remained patient throughout the session under the suspicion that my tolerance was intentionally being tested. After attempting to explain my various concerns to the psychiatrist for about twenty minutes, he prescribed me amphetamine salts for the treatment of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I found it a bit strange that I was prescribed amphetamine so quickly, especially after I had read about the side-effects of amphetamine and how some people with drug-seeking behavior often seek amphetamine for recreational use.

I was concerned that amphetamine was not the right medication for me so I ended up seeing a neurologist to see if he could answer several questions, such as; the effects of amphetamine on a person who is probably at the onset of schizophrenia or at risk of developing it. I wanted to know if there were any tests that could be done on me, like; a functional Magnetic Resonance Imagery scan on my brain that could probably tell me if I was at the onset of schizophrenia or at risk of developing it. I also wanted to know if there was some way of knowing for sure if I really did have ADHD or something similar (such as narcolepsy), but; the neurologist told me that for diagnosing something like narcolepsy I would have had to have gotten a very expensive sleep study. Moreover, I asked the neurologist if a geneticist could help me further regarding these questions and the neurologist told me that it could also be too expensive for me. I ended up paying $700 for a Magnetic Resonance Imagery scan on my brain which simply revealed something called an “arachnoid cyst” (apparently harmless), moreover; the neurologist prescribed me primidone (which was supposed to help me with my anxiety, essential tremors, and insomnia.

The neurologist then referred me to a close school friend of his (another psychiatrist) who prescribed me both escitalopram and clonazepam for the treatment of anxiety and depression between the months of November 2013 and June 2014—this second psychiatrist also told me to not take amphetamine as it could worsen my anxiety. During the first week I felt that my mood may had been improving, but it quickly deteriorated. I had gone to see this second psychiatrist a second time and he recommended that I go see a different psychiatrist at *mod edit* as I had recently gotten it as my insurance and *mod edit* apparently had good psychiatrists. However, shortly thereafter; my family told me that *mod edit* was too expensive of an insurance and that I should leave it as they wouldn't be able to pay for it anymore. I later attempted to contact the neurologist again (for questions regarding my medications), but he would neither answer my phone calls nor e-mails as he had apparently retired and closed his office.

I feel that my family was very cruel to me during the time that I was taking the antidepressants (they also constantly insisted that I keep taking the antidepressants despite my complaints regarding the side-effects), especially my brother who often tells me that I am “weak,” but at the same time I feel like I am being unfair to my family. I am aware that depression can be caused by many things, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder tend to be as people have often referred to me “oversensitive.” So I guess what I'm getting at is: “Do I have depression because I really am weak, and if so, at what point can a person have depression without it being due to them being weak?” Should I have simply followed my brother's and other people's advice when they have told me: “Get over it. You're weak. You want people to think you're weak? Okay, you're weak. You're weak. Stop whining. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Who cares? Nobody cares. Suck it up. Tough it out. There are people a lot worse off than you. Be a man.”?

Thank you in advance to anyone here who can answer my question.

Ain't none of us can tell you that, mijo. One person's weak, might be another's debilitating condition. Personally, I'm a wuss. There are people I think are stronger. There are people I think are weaker. I also think that can be a highly subjective opinion. People are, however, tougher than they generally think they are. I will say that much. You're capable of more. I'm capable of more. I think we all are. Doesn't mean you shouldn't get help where you can get it tho. A crutch is a good thing to have, when your leg is broke.

Snaga wrote:Ain't none of us can tell you that, mijo. One person's weak, might be another's debilitating condition. Personally, I'm a wuss. There are people I think are stronger. There are people I think are weaker. I also think that can be a highly subjective opinion. People are, however, tougher than they generally think they are. I will say that much. You're capable of more. I'm capable of more. I think we all are. Doesn't mean you shouldn't get help where you can get it tho. A crutch is a good thing to have, when your leg is broke.

I guess what has been bothering me is that I feel like I should have never taken those medications that were supposed to be for treating depression and anxiety, as I felt that they ultimately did more harm than good. I have been going over it in my head over and over for these past twenty-three months. I just keep coming back to what my brother has told me: “Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Suck it up. There are people a lot worse off than you. Get over it. Be a man.” I simply find to be incredibly frustrating as he and my mother were the ones who kept insisting that I should take those medications, even after I had expressed concerns of the side-effects. I feel that they must have thought that they were magic pills that would transform me overnight into the sort of person they wanted me to be.

I realize that at this point there is no use in dwelling over this, and so I just keep coming back to the whole, "maybe I really am weak" thing. That I should just use my will power to get over whatever depression and anxiety I may have as I should have done before I decided to start taking antidepressants. Thank you for your reply and advice, Snaga.

I find willpower to be not very reliable. I hope yours is otherwise.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Suck it up. There are people a lot worse off than you. Get over it. Be a man.”

This is literally the worst thing that someone can say to a person with depression.

Maybe show them this image...

Oliveira wrote:This is literally the worst thing that someone can say to a person with depression.

Well, see, that's the thing. A few days ago I decided to go see a psychologist to get myself tested for personality disorders. So I ended up filling out: a Biopsychosocial History Questionnaire, a Client Problem Checklist, a Beck Depression Inventory - 2, a Short Depression Scale, a Beck Anxiety Inventory Depression Inventory - 2, an Endler Multiaxial Anxiety Survey - Social Anxiety Scales, a Shipley Institute of Living Scale, and a Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory - 2. After about four hours of filling out all of those questionnaires, checklists, scales, and surveys and about three hours of interviews, I received my psychological evaluation a few days later which showed me my diagnosis: Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder. The psychologist also told me that I have what he calls "schizotypal-style personality" (he didn't want to call it "schizotypal personality disorder" for some reason.)

And then I remembered something that I read on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5):

DSM-5, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, page 671 wrote:Sustained feelings of shame or humiliation and the attendant self-criticism may be associated with social withdrawal, depressed mood, and persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia) or major depressive disorder.

I remember reading somewhere that people who blame themselves for everything that goes wrong are feeling "guilt" and that they are "depressed", while people who blame everybody else for everything that goes wrong are feeling "self-pity". I also remember reading that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder experience self-pity and shame, rather than guilt. But according to the DSM-5, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be co-morbid with Major Depressive Disorder? So does that mean that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can experience self-pity, shame, and/or guilt all at once, or what? Now it's my understanding that if I had, in fact, been diagnosed with a personality disorder (such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder), legally, it should have shown up on my diagnosis, right? But then again I remember reading that under certain circumstances, mental health care workers will not tell their patients about their diagnosis (such as patients with borderline personality disorder) as stated here:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3579480/

I also remember asking the psychologist if a different psychologist might have interpreted the test results differently and they may have diagnosed with me with a personality disorder, and he said that, yes, it is possible. So if it turned out that I do, in fact, have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, does that mean that I have Major Depressive Disorder because I am "weak" and that I should "stop feeling sorry" for myself?

I just look back to all the medications that I've taken these last three years: escitalopram, clonazepam, primidone, propranolol, amphetamine, and I just wonder if any of it was really worth it. I've seen two different therapists, two psychiatrists, and one psychologist and I don't think that I feel any better than I did three years ago. I think I probably feel more depressed now than I ever have. And I don't think that anyone in my family really cares. And I don't think that I'll be able to afford the psychotherapy treatment sessions for the next six months as the psychologist recommended. Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Should I just get over myself? Should I just suck it up? Should I just tough it out? Was my brother right when he told me "you're weak. You want people to think you're weak? Okay then, you're weak. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're weak"? It would seem that my teacher and my classmates (at the adult school that I am currently attending to earn my adult high school diploma at the age of 27) would agree with my brother, after they read my essay in which I wrote about my depression and how I thought that I might have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Was that psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow correct when he said "We are raising a generation of deluded narcissists?" What is this that I'm feeling? Is it guilt, shame, or self-pity? Or is it all of the above, or none of them?

You ask lots of good questions. My story I like to share is that I've been seen by a psychiatrist for over 10 years now and it took 7 whole years to be diagnosed bipolar disorder. In the meantime during that time, I was constantly suicidal and severely depressed. I do like to also share that with time and the right medicine combination, trial and error done so many times, I am stable and I feel great. I feel what I imagine "normal" people would feel like, except that that I take a bunch of pills to feel this way. My point is that there is hope for you. If I got well, anybody can get well. I was that bad.

If your family doesn't seem to care, ###$ them! This is all about you and your life. Sometimes we need to be reminded of who is #1, you. I think that all your psychologists, psychiatrist, and others whom you are seeing at this time are important in your treatment team, but you have to work with what you have and then ask for assistance or something of that sort. Depression is not about being weak, it's an illness. Don't hang around people who don't understand this and don't pay attention to those who say things like that, such as your family. Depression can be crippling. By the way, you have excellent writing skills because you say you're just now getting your high school diploma. I don't know anything about narcissistic personality other than my therapist thinks my mom is a Narcissist. And if that is true, she would never feel guilt. Self-pity is about all she would feel. I hope you get more information on your personal diagnosis from your pdoc. Keep us updated. And great job on getting that High School diploma!