Just a ramble, I guess. *TRIGGER WARNING*

Trigger warning for abuse, alcohol, suicide..I think that's it. I didn't know whether or not to post this in the abuse forum or depression forum.

Hi, I've been on this website a lot and I decided to finally sign-up because I'm feeling really low. I don't know how to describe it. It's empty, it's lonely, it's pure desire for death. That sounds really dramatic but all I can think about is "what am I doing?" "what's the point?" and really, what is the point?

I'm a teenager and I was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 10. My mom tried to act like it wasn't a big deal and boy was that a mistake. 5 years without any treatment really has killed me on the inside.

I'm rotting away in my room, it's becoming harder and harder for me to care about anything. People's feelings, what's happening around me, anything. I'm constantly doing things that could hurt other people and I don't care and I realize I'm hurting those around me.

My mom is an alcoholic and I emotionally abusive. She has told me over and over I'm not going to make it in life, nobody will want me if I'm like this, I'm gonna be put in a mental hospital when I'm older and they're going to kill me. She is scary when she's drunk, she drinks almost everyday. Even in mornings, she will drink. She's even gotten drunk on my birthdays. I can't remember a birthday that was enjoyable.

Anyway, I don't even remember half my life. I just remember age 10 and onwards. Barely. It's like I forget my past each year. I know I was probably depressed waaay before age 10, it just got worse at that time.

I'm sitting here feeling lonely. It's 11:38 PM. I have school tomorrow but I don't even want to go, I'd rather kill myself. Just being awake makes me wanna kill myself. I'm so lonely and bored and sad but I can't make friends normally. I mess it up and I can't bring myself to care about other people even though I'm lonely. I can only care for one person but she's been away for 1 month. I want to cry but it feels like I can't. Maybe. If I keep writing this I might just start crying until I get a headache and go to sleep.

There's no solution for me in my mind. Being happy? What's the point. Doing anything? What's the point. Generally being alive? Horrible. Horribe horrible horrible. I'm breaking down

I wish I had a loving mother who wasn't drunk all the time, reminding me nobody wants me. I wish I could care for other's. I wish I could die and be reborn into someone new, someone with all the qualities I wish I had. I'm starting therapy but showing myself (my REAL self) to anyone is so hard I don't even realize I'm being fake until I come home and sit in my room and I think about myself and my life.

I just want death, but there's one last hope I'm clinging onto (the person I mentioned before). It's stupid to depend one person. It's stupid to live for someone and unhealthy probably, too. But she's been gone for a month (in the hospital) and it's killing me. I want to kill myself but I know she will be upset if I do or try. I feel trapped in this life. I want out. I want to die so badly, I'm slowly giving up to clinging to my last hope because she's going to be gone for so long. Every day is a struggle.

Sorry for rambling, I just needed to get it out somewhere where people could see. Just so I felt like I was being listened to.

Hello,

my heart goes out to you -- big, big hugs if wanted/needed.

I've been in a similar situation. My stepfather was a violent alcoholic. There was no place for me to have feelings. I was bullied at school all the time, but nobody cared enough to move me to a different school. I've grown up to be a very shy person with self-esteem of a rotten pineapple.

But -- it gets better. I don't know what sort of medical insurance you have and whether it would be possible to visit a psychiatrist without your mom finding out. But this is what I would wholeheartedly recommend. While therapy is going to be helpful, medication could help to bring you out of this terrible place full of death to one where you can actually cooperate with a therapist without too much pain to handle it.

I've been told similar things to you; I would never make it, if I move out I'll starve to death among dirty dishes and laundry, I'm not good enough. None of those things came true. I'm alive, happy to be alive and very, very happy that my suicide attempts were "unsuccessful" (who came up with the idea that suicide can be "successful"...) I've got a good life. My stepfather died a few years ago. I didn't shed a tear.

For a very long time suicide was "plan B" to me. Like you say: I don't want to go to school, I'd rather kill myself. This is how I thought for years. I could do groceries... or kill myself. Through therapy I found a way to move this to a "plan Z" rather than B. Because it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and there's no undo, and also it's much easier to ruin your liver/kidneys/get paralysed than actually die. No matter how bad my life was, it was better with working liver.

Is there somebody you could speak to, someone you trust? A family member? Some sort of counsellor at school? I don't know if this idea is feasible at all but maybe you could move and live with an aunt/grandma/some other family member?

Almost forgot to add -- I spent my first 25 or so years trying to adapt to what I thought people wanted from me. It never worked and I couldn't find any friends. Only a few years ago did I realise that they could tell I am fake. Gradually I stopped trying... and then I found friends, who appreciated me for what and who I was. Even though I've never been anywhere near perfect.

Depression is a liar and poisons you with black thoughts. I thought there was no light in the tunnel, that I would never be happy, that there's no point. Just like you. What worked for me was getting on medication (antidepressant) and then therapy with a great guy -- older man who was different from me in every way imaginable but taught me how to live a good life, essentially. It was the missing manual that nobody ever gave me before.

There's no stupid reason to live. I have a list with reasons to live on my phone and I look at it when things get bad. Some people, some things, my dream job. My husband is on the list. When I was a teenager I thought nobody would ever love me. It's depression that serves you the big words: nobody, never, always. Life doesn't work this way. I promise things can, and will get better for you.

More hugs if wanted. If you like to PM me, my inbox is open.

Sadly, I've tried reaching out to family in the past. My mom is someone who thinks everyone is out to get her and she will cut family out of our lives and bring them back in randomly. She is very manipulative and makes sure nobody suspects she's doing anything wrong. One time I tried talking to my aunt about it and my mom found out I changed my facebook password and figured out I was probably talking to my aunt about her, so she called my aunt and basically called me a bitch, a liar, out of control, abusive--anything that would make ME seem like the bad guy. I talked to my older brothers wife once too, and she let me come over for a weekend which was nice--but nothing serious was really done. I think people are just too afraid to get involved and I don't blame them. I'm also scared to "defy" my mother. I say I don't give a damn about her but I'd still feel guilty if I told someone and I got taken away, even though I think it'd be best for me to live in a different environment. She's a very complicated person and I know she loves me but it's a really twisted kind of love.

Thank you so much, though. Your reply has given me a bit of hope to go on and sort things out. I've been on medication before but I didn't feel anything different and all I got was my insomnia worsening, my therapist has said she will make an appointment for me to see a psychiatrist and they will adjust my meds soon (most likely in summer which isn't very far away).

I'm glad you are happy now, I hope someday I can be like that. Even though it's hard when your mother is constantly looking at you like you're a disappointment.

again, thank you so much...I really appreciate your words.