I need to make it stop. Right now.

Hi everyone,
I've been clinically depressed since October, even tho I've been wanting to end my life since I was 6. Until now I didn't care about living or dying. I didn't kill myself to avoid causing pain to my relatives, because I wasn't feeling anything, I let pass the days without paying attention.

The only things that still makes me feel something are bad things. I used to love playing and listening to music, drawing, video games and internet, but I lost any interest I used to have. When I feel something, it's the pain of being alone, the contempt for other teens and the anger of never archiving anything. That's the exhaustive list of thing that makes me feel something.

It's hard to explain. I just can't stand being alive anymore, I can't stand thinking, being conscious. It's like in that movie "Johnny got his gun", where a soldier lose all his limbs and is deprived of all his senses except for the touch (the movie that inspired the Metallica song "One"). I'm like a piece of meat that keeps on living. Like if I was locked up in a coffin and I wasn't lucky enough to die from asphyxia or starvation.

So I have to make it stop right now, by one way or another. I'm seeing a therapist but it doesn't change a ######6 thing, except for the moment I'll be completely out of money. I would like to just stop thinking. I need to fall asleep and never wake up, something like being put in a self-inducted coma or a vegetative state. Anything but this have to stop. And if nobody can get me to stop thinking, I'll have to find a way by myself, and the only way I see right now is death. I would avoid it if I could, but that's the only solution I see right now.

So if anyone know any way to make it stop, now's the time, because I've been waiting all my life and I'm running out of patience.

Hello,

big hugs if wanted.

I remember being stuck in the sort of rut you describe. What helped me was antidepressants -- I couldn't go through therapy in that state, because I was just too unwell. Once ADs worked and I got back to more or less normal, I started therapy and then it actually worked.

Have you been diagnosed by a professional with the clinical depression? If not, there might be a possibility it's actually your thyroid playing up -- detectable via a blood test, and obviously therapy isn't going to do anything with it.