I have nothing to live for

I'm a 16 year old girl, and lately I've been really thinking of ending my life.

I know most people would say I'm going through a phrase and just have "normal teenage problems", but I disagree. I've endured severe abuse and witnessed domestic violence throughout my entire life, was a victim of bullying, attempted suicide about three times, am recovering from anorexia that almost killed me, and am professionally diagnosed with ptsd and borderline personality disorder.

I'm no longer dealing with abuse since I don't live with my father anymore, but my problems haven't left me. I'm realizing now that I can never erase my past, it will always haunt me and make my life miserable. I can't see the world in a normal way, I'm suspicious of everyone and everything and always expect the worst. Everything scares me and makes me think of the past.

My life didn't change at all once my abuse ended; in fact, I think i'm even worse now. I have ZERO friends, I refuse to talk to people and push them away out of paranoia, and I can't talk to anyone without thinking that they're trying to hurt me. I'm pretty much a huge loser. I somehow managed to be in several relationships before, but they were all toxic and ended badly. One of the things that hurts me the most is that with the exception of abuse, harassment, and molestation, I have no sexual experience. Meanwhile, girls my age all seem to be sexually active, and happy having sex with their boyfriends. Because of this, sometimes I find myself hoping that my sexual abuse repeats itself. I've accepted that those are the only times I'm going to experience sex.

I absolutely despise myself. I'm worthless, unlikable, a disappointment to my family, and someone who will never be loved. If I don't die soon, I'll spend my life alone. The only thing that brings me happiness is the fact that I'm talented, being a pianist, artist, writer, and multilingual. However, I'm so depressed that I don't think that my talents will get me a successful future. I'm still a failure of a human being.

Hi

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low. You're hurting so much and you don't deserve to be in so much pain.

I don't think you're going through a phase or it is normal teenage problems. It's clear from what you've said that what happened to you wasn't part of everyday life and difficulties. It was wrong and you should have been cared for as a child, not hurt.

What happened to you was wrong and it is unfair that you're suffering for someone else's actions. I know it's hard, but I also believe things can change in life, even when it feels like there is no hope. It might be difficult to believe in, but people can heal from the worst acts and I really believe you can too.

What you've said about wanting the sexual abuse to repeat itself sounds so conflicted and painful. I really feel how much that thought could hurt you.

I also feel that you're feeling worthless and unlikeable. You're someone who has had horrible unfair things happen to you, but they weren't your fault and you didn't have a choice. You deserve to be loved and you deserve to heal. I'm glad that you can see your talents and the things that make you unique, even though they don't bring much comfort at the moment. They make you special and individual and loveable and they are part of who you are, not what happened to you. I know you are feeling low and not very likeable but I'm glad that you were able to speak on the forum and I want you to know that you're not alone. You've made a big impact on me and I really want you to take care of yourself and be safe.

Best wishes,

Lisa

Hmm.

Speaking as an old person, I'm sure a lot of the parents of those sexually active 16 year olds wish they weren't.

At 16, you're not missing anything. That is so young and there's still so much life ahead

Which is worth living. Nothing stays the same forever, and there's so much ahead for someone your age.

It can get better, sweets.

Don't consider yourself a failure or a loser. You were never given the chance to prove to yourself otherwise. Considering what you've been through, it's only natural to feel the way you do. But don't let it define you. There's so much time ahead of you. Things change. Things happen. And they're not necessarily going to be bad. Like Snaga said, it gets better. Your teen years were practically designed for painful feelings and doubts like these. All these girls your age with boyfriends...I'll bet they're not as happy as you think they are. They may do their best to appear so, but having a boyfriend at sixteen and being sexually active is not a recipe for happiness. Not true happiness.

slimegirl15 wrote:The only thing that brings me happiness is the fact that I'm talented, being a pianist, artist, writer, and multilingual. However, I'm so depressed that I don't think that my talents will get me a successful future. I'm still a failure of a human being.

Use this. Let your pain inspire your art. Play your piano when you are sad. Write about your sadness. Do your art as much as you can. It will help you. And in turn, your torment will help your art. You have an advantage here: talent. So many people in situations like yours don't have that to fall back on. And the fact that you recognize your passion and talent is a beam of light in the dark room in which you live right now. You can make it brighter.