+TW+/ To Ill to treat. Are you serious???

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So I'm back again after weeks of #######4, stress, anxiety, and a relapse of depression, this one's dragging me through the most pain yet...and its only week 10 or so since my relapse.

So I discovered at Christmas time/slightly before, during a period of fair seas, that I have Gender dysphoria and I'm going through the processes to become who I really am. My other posts have loads of stuff on it.
Over 16 weeks later,or as my brain thinks -
112 days
2688 hours
161280 minutes
9676800 seconds
ohhhhh gooood stop overthinking!!!

and i'm still waiting for my name to be called for the local Gender Identity Clinic (GIC)

I've been working on becoming more androgynous before transitioning to full time female and i've been going to counselling specializing in the LGBT areas. All was going well. We started CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), I get on well with my counselor and I think the sessions help. Now, given my relapse and messed up brain I have low motivation and energy at the best of times. I've been completely exhausted for over 8 weeks now and i'm near enough rock bottom (I say that because it can always get worse for me, and usually does).So CBT and me, I found it difficult to do the work given to me so progress was slow.
Last week i went to an appointment with my counselor, she told me that her supervisor thinks i'm not currently in a well enough place mentally for CBT to be useful, rather it is damaging at the current moment. So we are having a 'break' for 6 weeks and she is going to come to my Doctors to try explain the situation (as i apparently undersell the severity of my condition) and get my meds sorted which was nice of her.
So all in all there I'm to ill for that treatment. leaving me lost and hopeless once again. I'm contemplating suicide again, no self harm, but that's for my GF's sake. I'm not making any progress with my gender dysphoria after nearly 10 million seconds and it's killing me. I don't know how long i have to wait for an appointment, little-own the 6 weeks of sessions before they consider HRT, and 2 years of physical development on top of that, and that's all dependant on them thinking i'm not too ill to start this whole process as well.
I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this pain. I'm tired of surviving everything, and just giving everything i have every day. I'm ready to lie down and give up at this stage. I've been fighting for so long and i've had nothing left in the tanks for years.

I don't know what happens after death but it can't be worse than this. Nothing can be worse than this endless torture.
I don't know how much longer i can hold onto my small amount of hope.
I don't know how much fight i have left.

I'm broken
I'm hopeless
I'm spent

Hugs!

I'm sorry things have seemed so rough lately for you.

I sympathize. If I'd decided I had GID, I know I'd be very impatient to get started.

Hopefully there's nothing to keep things from progressing on that. So many times, it seems here on PF that depression and gender dysphoria go hand in hand. Seems to me, that keeping a person from transitioning because they're depressed, would be a little like saying you have to be clean before you take a bath. So try not to feel discouraged yet over what ifs. We're not there yet. I know I automatically leap to the most pessimistic outcome. And it's rarely what really happens.

Try to hang in there, sweets. Try not to dwell on death too much, k? Way I see it, it comes soon enough for all of us. I'm not going to help it along. It might feel as if things won't get any better, but,, they CAN'T get better, if you're dead. I'd I don't like it, I can't take it back for a refund.

Where there is life, there are always possibilities. Even when we don't feel as if there are. I often feel hopeless, but what do I know? I'm no fortune teller. It might be hopeless. But I won't know till I get there.

It seems that people here have way more fight than they give themselves credit for, sweets. Hang in there.

Hello,

big hugs if wanted.

You are not permanently too ill to treat. I looked gender dysphoria up and Wikipedia says: "Evidence suggests that people who identify with a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth, may do so not just due to psychological or behavioral causes, but also biological ones related to their genetics, the makeup of their brains, or prenatal exposure to hormones." There are biological reasons why you are like that. It's not your fault. You haven't done anything wrong. This is how you were born -- in a wrong body. You've lived with it for much, much, much longer than 10 million seconds. You can't fix it within 112 days.

There is hope on the horizon: therapy coming, HRT, etc. It will last a while. But at the end there is a happy you: finally in the body you need rather than the one you have. It's completely natural to feel terrible in this situation. Of course you want it to happen sooner. But you have a timeframe: six weeks wait, then CBT, then HRT, then two years of physical development. If you get worse, this will move in time, but it will not disappear.

We say in NA: think in shortest term possible. Don't think about "never", "always", "years". Our motto is: Just For Today. If one of your feet is in the past, and the other in the future, you're pissing all over today -- that's another one. It's very difficult to stop living in the preceeding 112 days and simultaneously in coming years. And depression is a liar that poisons our brains. The meds are going to help. Don't focus on the previous 112 days (you achieved a lot in the meantime! CBT is not exactly fun and games!). Think of today. We say: I will not relapse (or kill myself) today. We'll see about tomorrow. And then -- the tricky part -- tomorrow actually comes... and now it's called today. Day by day, time passes and we don't relapse/kill ourselves. If a day is too much, think about an hour, fifteen minutes. And remember that there is a happy end waiting for you. No, it won't happen very soon, but it will happen.

Hopefully the meds are sorted out soon -- what you describe here does sound very much like you are underselling the severity of your condition, it sounds really bad to be honest and you need/deserve any help you can get. They will make you feel better -- they won't fix your life or your body, but they will take care of the liar living in your head and feeding you negativity. Use this thread to vent as much as you like. Get it off your chest. Don't worry, we understand and can relate. And remember: it's going to get better from now on, and you don't have to do it on your own.

Thank you Snaga and Oliveira!
Reading your comments helped me.
Sorry i took so long to reply, thing have been a bit dim this past couple of days. My GF is ill and i'm trying to look after her till she recovers, along with looking after myself. My neighbor drove into the side of my car while it was parked outside my house...and i was sleeping, so i've had to contact ins. companies etc. about that BS. I'll probably be left out of pocket for her mistake. The car will be writen off as the repair bill is...wait for it.......£1690.
So really not helping me be positive when i said it can always get worse.
On the plus side i might have discovered a work-around to get counselling and hrt early.
There is a private service online, GenderGP, i think it is.The team there seem helpful so far and the registered doctors there (yes i checked) can prescribe hormones and anti-androgens. If you know anything about this kind f setup any insight would be greatly appreciated. My mood has improved a good bit since contacting them so that's a plus.

Hope you all have a nice weekend.
J

Glad you're doing a little better, sweets! That GenderGP sounds interesting. I hope that works out well!

Yeah bodywork ain't cheap, mija. Not cheap at all. My Snagina's vehicle got rear ended and it was more than that to get it looking right again. Bodywork is outrageous.