What's wrong I can't get better?

I'm not a 100% sure where to put this in the topic section, but this was the closest topic I could find to depression. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and slight ptsd and I'm on medication for all three except the PTSD nightmare one I don't take that I was prescribed but don't think I need it. Anyway trying to make this short, but basically I've had depression my whole life and nothing has ever gotten better mainly because I give up on everything so quickly. Aside from that here's what really bothering me, I've had what some would call an infatuation with this guy and he recently started casually hooking up with me before he wasn't interested, and I liked him and only him for years now well I've liked other people but he's always the one id choose over anyone. I don't even know him that well, but I liked him since grade school were both in college now and I'm not sure if it's love or obsession, but he isn't good for me it's either it's generally the way he treats me or I'm absolutely nuts. Me and him are very on and off, and I get so scared of losing him forever that I basically act like his lab dog I rarely get mad at him and when I do I forgive him once he apologizes. Every time he cuts off communication I fall into a deep depression, and I cry every night and sometimes I even hurt myself if we get into a fight or if he doesn't answer me. There's allot in my life that makes me unhappy my family, and me in general just can't seem to be happy but he's a big part of that because without him in so unhappy, but with him I'm super anxious and feel guilty about letting him control my feelings. Since we are so on and off I have to turn my ringer off, because if he texts me out of the blue I get bad anxiety just seeing his number pop up, and I'm note sure why and if an unsaved number texts me and it's not him I cry because I'm disappointed. I can't get over him, and I'm scared one day I'm going to kill myself over this man he clearly only wants me when I'm bored I'm aware of this, but I still give in anyway because it's either I truly love him or I'm obsessed. I've burnt myself over something he said that I took the wrong way, and I've cut over a similar situation involving him and it's so hard because I'm so unhappy without him but when I lose him for good I know I won't be able to handle it..... I generally don't know what to do my therapist knows about this but I would never tell her about me hurting myself because I know she'd send me to impatient, and I've been to outpatient and hated it can't imagine impatient it definitely wouldn't be good for me because loud noises and confrontation scares me. Anyway I just wish I knew why I'm like this with him am I crazy? Is it his inconsistency? Or is it just me being fragile to the point I can't handle my emotions ): we're in a fight right now and I feel so numb I know it be best if I lose contact but I've tried and life's sucks so much without him everything seems pointless when he's not present in my life, and all
I do is wish I could fix things between us when he's gone. I'm not crazy like stand outside his house or try to hurt him or anyone involved with him not stalkerish crazy, and it's nothing like that it's just sometimes if he doesn't answer I'll get really upset text him until he does or try to hurt myself if he doesn't he doesn't know all this I don't want to ever tell him, but we're officially done now I can feel it he'll never want to talk to me again, because I act so insecure and ruin things between us who wants to talk to someone crazy and annoying like m

Wow, sweetie, that was quite a post!

I hope you're feeling a bit better?

Has anyone ever talked about the possibility of having a personality disorder? It certainly seems as if something is going on. I'm not sure depression is the whole story, here. You might Google for some PD tests and take the self tests available, just to have something in hand when you approach your therapist.

I'm not sure if worry about being committed to an inpatient on account of self harm. SH is pretty common, and unless you give them indications of suicidal intent I should think that you will not be admitted. But I think it's important they know.

I'll just add quickly that the online tests are not a replacement for psychiatric evaluation, just indicators. One of the other members posted a test for DID once and I did the test out of curiosity and it turned out that I definitely have DID. (I don't.) So if you do them, just treat them as guidance.

Exactly. Unless you have very obvious traits that don't really need a test in the first place, I'd consider a test just something to point you in a direction.

You may have depression aside from this, but specifically related to the things in your life around this guy, I'd also look at dependent personality disorder, I really don't know it just seems like you may need someone to feel more than you can on your own. And that need to have someone defines you. The loss alone feels punishing so you go back to it for comfort. And because of that there is the fear of losing it due to the uncomfortable feeling you get with out, so you walk on eggshells and give in to most things. If this guy is the only source maybe that's the issue. If you have lots of other men around you, and you still pull to this man, than I'm not sure. But I'm guessing only to offer other ideas to look in to not trying to diagnose. All that I learned is when you are afraid to lose something that fear drives it away. Or you know if you confront that person they will leave creating that fear. Hope some of this is helpful. Wish I had an answer for you.