just need to vent somewhere

I've been diagnosed with OCD and MDD. Idk if what i'm going through now is some OCD stuff or something else, but I think it's depression for sure so I'm going to post this here.

I've been on medication now for a little over a month and it's helping over all, but I haven't raised my dose in a while and the depression is flaring up and growing in my chest and the pit of my stomach again.

I hate myself and I hate life. I'm so tired of playing this stupid game where I try to keep my emotions balanced and where I try to enjoy life. I want to kill myself, but if I kill myself I'll hurt everyone around me and I'll lose the opportunity to actually enjoy being alive, so I'm stuck here. Don't worry, I'm not planning suicide. It's just something I think about sometimes. Like, people who don't even know me would freak out if I told them I was going to kill myself. Why is that? I'm a terrible individual. I'm a joke of a person. Why do people like life so much? What am I missing? I think I'm damaging my relationships with my garbage personality. When I try to figure out how I'm doing that and how I can be a better person and what my garbage is, it's called ruminating. So I shouldn't do that. Because it... makes me unhappy? Like, what. Like, I would be happy if I just... let myself be a piece of crap? Screw that. I want to be a good person. I want people to enjoy being around me. Trying makes me feel terrible, and not trying makes me feel terrible. I just feel broken.

I just feel like crap. It's hard to understand what's making me feel like crap. It's hard to write or talk about it because it seems like the only reason I'm in pain is because I'm alive. How do I explain that? How do I fix that? This game is so stupid. I'm running on fumes here. Every morning though I have more energy, so I can keep trying. This is trying. Writing stuff down, sharing it, getting some of it out and into somewhere else.

Sorry, thanks for reading.