Too much to deal with

I feel i'm about to explode..
I'm trapped inside this sick life where i can't get out of because i'm a complete coward.
I'm too scared to live because of all the things i need to go thorugh and each day it's just gettin worse..
And I'm also scared to die because i know i'm going to fail and i know it's going to be painful
i've already lost hope that it will get better
i have so much things going on that it's impossible to fix my life
What's the point of keep living when you your future and past is already ruined?
i'm not going to tell all my lifestory now but i basicly had some traumatic events in my life which made me drop from school.
5 years that i stayed in my house without getting out of my room with severe Social Anxiety and BDD without even a single friend or any person i could talk to.
i've recently started to develop health issues and i don't know how i'm going to deal with them
I don't know how other people have the courage to end their life, i wish i could.

In those 5 years i've tried to everything! i've tried getting back to school a few times but everytime i tried i just didn't know how to socialise and dropped again after a while

Hugs!

I don't see you mentioning psychiatric care -- are you under medical supervision? If it's not working perhaps it's time for second opinion? You shouldn't have to feel like this!