Afraid of feeling happy

Over the past few weeks I've done some serious introspection and realized part of what may be causing my depression is the fact that I seem to be, well, afraid of feeling happy.
While I hate being depressed and fight it I guess all I want to feel is okay. Being happy just seems like too much to handle.
Last weekend I fought this fear and while surrounded by people who enjoyed my company I was able to feel that long-lost sensation of happiness. It was great. At the time I wondered why I had ever given up on it. But since then I've just felt drained. Again, I've been avoiding everything that could make me feel happy, like I just don't have the energy for it.

So why does it seem so daunting to make myself happy? Life is better when I enjoy it but I can't seem to make myself! Is this a common thing for people with depression and is there anything I can do about it?

one reason why i cant stay happy is cause i think it's easy to stay angry and depressed n play the victim card. i'm not belittling depression but often it's like i'm forcing myself to not stay happy like i'll purposely withdraw the smile that's come on my face n try not to laugh at a joke.

I have this theory (which was true in my case) that we tend to cling to what we know. And what we know is depression. We're Gollum who's in a stinky swamp hissing "my preciousss" and there's a party around the corner with drinks with colourful umbrellas in them, and everybody's having a great time, but we are going to stay in our stinky swamp because we KNOW the swamp and it's our swamp and also there may be a monster on the way to the party and when we get there we might actually like it and this is not something we know how to deal with.

It took me a year of depression (and 27 years of getting ready for it...) and getting very close to death before I finally allowed myself to seek help and when meds started working I initially couldn't work out if I am actually glad that they work because I have convinced myself I was special and world hated me and I was a victim of everyone and everything and suddenly I had possibilities and that party behind the corner turned out to be not only nice but the first of many. But the swamp still calls me sometimes, and when I am terrified or have a breakdown (like my crisis I mentioned) I go right back there and cling to my rotten grass because it is MY SWAMP and I am safe there and nobody can get me out into the scary world.

For me I think it's more like what Oliveira was explaining, clinging to what I know because it's just what I've gotten used to. (and I hope you're doing better with your crisis, Oliveira. It sucks returning to the swamp) It makes sense that a person would instinctively cling to what they know; we seem to do that with a lot more than just our feelings.
It has also occurred to me that pretty much anything that's made me happy in my life has gone away or worn off, so perhaps I don't trust the positive feelings. I'm really hoping that seeing a psychiatrist will help, but it turns out I may still be waiting around two more months before that happens. In the meantime I'll be figuring out how to deal with this mental state, or at least hold myself together.

Hugs.

I'm doing much better. And the crisis had lots to do with the fact that a lot of people I loved left me in various ways. Some just left for other places, other countries. Some died. Some decided they didn't want to be my friends and cut me cold. Break-ups. I came up with the idea I didn't need anyone and that I could be on my own forever and the crisis was a realisation it's not true -- after 30+ years. So it's like my swamp was forcibly taken away from me.

I have felt the same way, often. I have often felt guilt for this too
However, after many nights/years of ruminating over this, I have come to the conclusion that the reason why I was afraid to be happy was because the 'happy' I was picturing was more a social construct version , rather than what genuinely makes me 'happy'.

Happy to me is more a feeling of being at rest with myself, or being content. Usually involving a cup of coffee and not having to do much

For me, it's two things; one is the concept that Oliveira put out above. I've spent most of my life in a depressed state, or at least in a dysthymic one, so it feels like home. The other is that if I'm feeling good (I won't say 'happy' because I don't believe I've been truly happy for decades), then all the things that just didn't seem to matter while in a depressed state suddenly become problems. A perfect example of this would be physical health problems. I have a couple of troubling symptoms, but quite honestly, at least for me, when I'm depressed, I don't care.
I'm not sure if I'm right about this but being happy comes with a need or drive to set things right, to keep on top of things. This requires a little too much effort than I am willing/able to put in right now. If I'm in a depressive funk, I don't care if things in my life are falling apart. If I'm feeling "okay" or "improved", I feel a need to tackle all of these issues and this results in fear and anxiety. I'm not sure if depression is preferable to fear and anxiety for most people, but for me it is.

Also, when I'm happy-ish, it seems like it's only transitory, that there's no place to go but back down. That "things can get worse". It's like standing at the rim of a deep pit and taking care not too fall back in. I don't have the energy for such vigilance and caution right now.

sevensirens wrote:Happy to me is more a feeling of being at rest with myself, or being content.

Yes.

First off, I'm glad you're doing better Oliveira!
I suppose everyone has a slightly different idea of a happy situation. Being at peace with myself and being content are definitely aspects of what makes me happy, too, though. And I think I share a lot of your perspective, Marcus. It takes so much effort to care about things or keep yourself out of the pit or swamp or whatever you'd like to describe that depressed state as. Knowing I could fall back down has often stopped me from trying to boost my mood.
A few days ago I had an experience on MDMA (I know it's proven to be more addictive than therapeutic but I tried it anyways) and I felt absurdly happy. On that roll I fell back in love with life and myself and remembered how good everything was. I was expecting a terribly depressing comedown but since it wore off I've been able to maintain a fairly positive mood. I'm not planning to do it anytime soon 'cause I know how addictive that could be.
Anyways I was doing great until this morning when I got some crappy news... I'll probably be making another thread for that situation though. But once I get past that, I'm sure things will be better as I seem to have made some progress in overcoming this 'fear of happiness'.