Depression or something

Okay so hi,
I was diagnosed with cancer three years ago. I lost my hair, was in a coma, steroids caused me to gain weight, I had a bleed on the brain and the most gruesome chemotherapy. I made friends when I was under chemotherapy but they're all dead. I lost my best friends, the only people who know exactly what I went through. Last year, I finished my chemotherapy and I thought that everything would get better. But it hasn't. I lost my last best friend at Halloween 2015 and I got drunk, so drunk that my subconscious came out and everything I ever felt was said or at least sobbed about. The feelings, I feel are empty/ nothing. My mum once said I could be the perfect killer as after three years of learning how to put on a mask and swallow my feelings down so that now I could say anything, do anything and I would feel nothing. I put this to the test and put another boy in front of my three year boyfriend and I felt nothing where I should have felt guilt. A couple of weeks ago, Halloween happened again in concern to drinking but 20000 times worse. I tried to recreate the feeling of anesthetic and nothing seems to get it, because when I had the operations that encorporated that drug, I was at peace, I didn't have to worry. To be honest all I really want to know is how can I start feeling again because all I want to do is cry. All I want to do is be happy and feel again and I don't know how to. I can't cry in front of anyone and I never let my feelings out. I don't know how, I don't know where to start and I feel like I'm losing myself. What can I do - I go to a therapist but she doesn't help and I feel like I have nothing left to do in order to try and be happy. Help me please someone.

I would actually suggest a psychiatrist -- someone who understands medication and can prescribe something as well. Because from what you say (disclaimer: I am not a pro, I just suffered from depression for a long time) it doesn't sound to me like therapy is the answer. That zombie-like state of feeling nothing was resolved for me by using meds. THEN I could go to therapy because I had feelings again and it's really hard to connect with your feelings when you don't have any.

I sincerely hope you'll get better soon.