Insecurity and failing relationships

Hi all,

This is my first post here, and kind of my last resource. I will try and keep this brief to ensure people who may want to relate will be able to do so. I have been in therapy since I was ten years old (currently 23). I was put in therapy because I was extremely anxious and depressed, and culminated in me being unable to be in a room alone (including the bathroom) and refusing to shower or go to school for extended periods of time.

Fast forward to high school, where I attended an alternative high school for kids classified as "emotionally disturbed". I did okay there, and actually made a friend (which for me was big). I ultimately began using hard drugs and developed some eating/self-harm issues. Anyway, this resulted in hospitalizations/rehab. Eventually though, I got out, and began living healthier. Still though, I experienced persistent feelings of lonliness, self-hatred, social anxiety, and most importantly insecurity.

These feelings have steadily increased, and at this point, I am exhausted from treatment and trying to feel better. I have exercised, reached out to friends, meditated, sought therapy, medication, everything. I have now isolated myself, and ignore old friends who have reached out to me. I wouldn't know how to act with them. The emotional pain and emptiness is so imminent I feel as if it has consumed my personality. Its come to a point where I ultimately don't understand closeness. My family and friends don't even appear human, just things that I reluctantly talk to occasionally. Perhaps I should be more grateful for what I have, but its hard. I am at a point of hopelessness but also fear of sinking deeper into my mood and distorted perception. Anyway. I apologize for writing so much, especially after saying I would keep it brief.

I sincerely thank all who took the time to read. It shows a true capacity to care for another human and speaks to your sensitivity. If you are going through something similar, you are not alone, and I commend you for your courage. I wish you all who are struggling the strength to get through whatever it is you are going through, no matter how small you may think your issue is. I also just want to state that I did not share my background in an attempt to compare situations. I stated it to vent but also because I feel it played a large role in my perception of myself and others. Feel free to comment with whatever!