I need to know that this depression will end

The longest my depression has ever lifted has been for a couple of months. Which is nice. But it feels like I'm depressed again and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to reach out for help. I don't know how to convince myself to keep living when life hurts to live. I feel like people would be better off with me dead because all I ever do is complain about things. I'm also terrified of the future and I don't want to live in it. The future scares the absolute bejeezus out of me. I have schizoaffective disorder so sometimes my depression is ruled by the psychosis and right now it's hard to detangle everything. Maybe this is in the wrong forum, and I apologize. When I first started to write this out it felt like just a depression thing, but now that I'm thinking more on it it definitely feels like more than just depression. I should know by now that my mental illness never exists in a vacuum. All the symptoms are related. I just don't know how to help myself. The only way out to get away from this pain to me is suicide. I don't know what's stopping me. I guess my sister. I just wish my meds would work finally. I Don't see my med doc 'til the 26th. I just need to talk to someone, have someoen to chat with, but no one on facebook wants to chat with me for a long time. I don't know how to tell my friends "hey, I'm suicidal, please listen to me talk." I think this is why hospitals exist. People don't want to deal with me so they put me there in that box and I don't want to go back to that friggin box please! N O DONT PUT ME BACK THERE PLEASE DONT NOOOO

Hey, NihilismOppurtunity.

I went through my worst bout of depression somewhere in 2013, I didn't think I'd come out alive. I lost everything and everyone, I just couldn't find a reason to carry on, there was nothing to live for.

The future is a very scary place for those with mental illness as a whole, and can be even worse for those with depression. you feel as though there is no future, that you're not making progress or finding your purpose. nothing kills your confidence more. It's hard to believe when you're so far down, but more people deal with this than you realise.

As for getting your friends to understand and listen to you, just tell them straight. like "hey, I want to be honest about something, please don't be too harsh on me for it as it's personal to me" and hope that they'll be willing to lend a hand. It can be hard to open up to someone, but it's nothing to be scared of, if people don't understand, why waste your time?

I promise you, once you get through the hardest measures of Depression, you'll look back and think "wow, I'm so glad I didn't end everything, maybe things aren't all that terrible" - you've lived through it before and you're still here, that's all that matters. you can do it, you just need to believe in yourself and push yourself to get through it no matter how hard it can be.

trigger warning

last night i prayed to god to kill me. i was exhausted with my life, with the never ending bitterness and negativity, hatred. i just cant deal with it anymore and just want to get over it.

life was so easy at one time. today morning i hoped a car accident ends my life.

i dont know if things will ever get better. chances are they may not. i met an uncle and aunt who were in depression. probably in the last stage of their lives...60s and in depression.

maybe things may never get better. sorry. but dont try to go for an idyllic future. instead a have a few happy moments in a while. like today morning at office, i listened to youtube meditation music. it wasnt that bad.

Thank you for replying. I guess I just have to weather the storm and talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow about my meds situation and how they aren't really helping.

Good luck, OP. hope things work out for you.