Atypical suicide thoughts

Hello,

I'm new in here. I read so many posts on this forum before so I decided to make an account and create a thread myself.
I'm 21, I'm a very normal guy. I have some friends who study abroad now so I've found myself alone now but I'm really okay with it. I'm studying economics which is something I'm not interested in at all and unfortunately I don't know what I really want to do of I had to change from this field of studies. I don't have my place in the university I go to, I have no friends only acquaintences and most of persons who study there are so much different from me, I don't have my place there at all. Yet again even though it isn't a cheerful thing I'm perfectly fine with it. I had some depressive episodes during the summer and for the months afterwards and I used to have anxiety attacks which stopped after I quit taking pills. I had a very normal life, I had fun, I had a couple of girlfriends, I had few friends and we used to hang out a lot.
You see there isn't something that's dragging me down, I don't have a serious problem or anything but I'm tired of living. I just want to die, I'm founding no joy in life anymore and I have no will on keeping going. For the last couple of months evey time I go to sleep I wish that I die during it. This is not a matter of hope or depression, it's just emptiness and boredom of life. Plus as a muslim who believes in God I know there is an afterlife and so I have lost hope in this one and I'm just telling myself that I'll find peace and happiness in heaven. I have no great wish I just want to find my inner peace and forget abour everything else.
I actually don't know why I'm here I just wanted to share my story given that I feel like I belong here.

Hello,

depression does not have to have a trigger or reason.

I originally got depressed in 2004. My grandmother died, I broke up with my boyfriend, and my best friend moved three hours away from me. I was, understandably, very sad and upset. But when "normal" people would slowly start feeling better, I never did. After a year of this I realised that I didn't even feel sad anymore, and there was no reason, I just felt no joy from anything, I felt empty, everything seemed grey and I wanted to die.

I didn't die, although I tried. I went to a psychiatrist. First medication didn't work. Second did and gave me a great life again. Today I am very, very, very happy that I didn't kill myself. I never expected to be so happy with my life. It can, and it will, get better if you let it.

Big hugs if wanted.

So you got better with pills ? It was the exact opposite for me. It made me go through anxiety again.
I'm not thinking about killing myself, suicide is out of question given that will make me go to hell.
Then all I have to do is give it some time ?

Hugs are always welcome

In my experience, depression isn't just feeling sad all the time. It affects me very similarly with dysphoria, boredom, demotivation, hopelessness, etc. And as Oliveira said, depression doesn't need a reason (hence why it is a mood disorder)
I, too, am tired of living. I think of death longingly. While I am confident I would not kill myself in this state, I can't say it doesn't feel tempting. I am an ex-Christian agnostic atheist, and while I can't claim to know what happens when we die I think it's most likely we just cease to perceive and remember our lives, essentially ceasing to exist. And that sounds pretty good to me. I remember hearing about suicide as a child and thought it was a great shortcut to heaven, considering my life here was kinda #### at the time. Unfortunately, a sunday school teacher informed me that was a sin and people that kill themselves don't go to heaven, and I was scared to try for a few years after that. That's my experience with heaven and suicide, since you mentioned it. Looking back I find it a little scary and funny.
Thanks for sharing anyhow, your story really made me feel less alone about this. Do what you can to seek help and get better, I'll be doing the same.

Batboy,

there are a few various sorts of antidepressants and unfortunately the only way to find out which one is right for you (that I know of) is to try them... and for a few months as well as some of them take up to two months to actually work. I was lucky as the second one "fixed" me. Some people need a longer journey through the magic of chemistry.

There is also a chance that your depression is actually a part of another disorder. I believe I went both through major depressive disorder (which was helped by pills but ultimately "cured" by therapy) and through bipolar depression (which pills threw into mania and then a mixed episode and which confused me greatly as the previous negative thought patterns were entirely gone).

I absolutely, definitely recommend a psychiatrist visit. Only a doctor can diagnose you accurately. It's not a sort of punishment. It's an illness, a disorder. It can be helped. You don't need this suffering.

I'm not sure I would label your thoughts as "suicidal thoughts", and I'm not convinced you are clinically depressed, but it seems to me (I'm no expert though) like you've caught yourself in some kind of philosophical ruminations about the meaning (or lack of meaning) of life.

When you focus on death (actually, it doesn't really matter if the problem is fear of death or desire of death - the result is the same) life gets meaningless. I believe we are responsible for creating our own unique meaning of life.

You are saying that you are not going to kill yourself (which is good) but I hope you will find your meaning of life. You can work with a psychologist to find activities or thought patterns which you will find meaningful.

If you are going to take medications against anhedonia (lack of pleasure and interest in life), Wellbutrin is probably the best. SSRIs can even make you worse if you are unlucky.

Hey everyone,

I'm already seeing a psychiatrist but it's not helping, actually I didn't talk to no one about this and I don't think I will. Like I said before I used to take medications but I quit on them by my own and since then I haven't been having anxiety attacks which is good and therefore I'm not taking anymore medications. And thanks to that I now find once again joy in the things I love, in watching movies, series and reading books, which I couldn't do before.

What you said is true afraidofdiseases I think I have an issue with the meaning of life. I don't know if it's related to a "dream" but a few months before after I had a brief psychotic disorder and went through this period of depression I have lost all meaning in life and it was like I gave up on my dream.
Before I wanted to travel the world, go from country to another and try to find the purpose of life, find inner peace and my goal as a human being. But now it's like I don't feel the need to anymore, I think that it won't lead me to anywhere, like it won't change anything.
Before I always felt lost, like I needed rescue. I needed something or someone to guide me and let me see life as it really is and make me walk on my own path. But after I just realized that all I was looking for is God. But after I had the brief psychotic disorder I have lost all hope.

I wonder how I can once again find the meaning of life. Because right now I'm stuck at wishing to die and lacking interest in everything.

Heyo, I also have a deep longing desire for death, and the only way I have noticed where it isn't as pervasive is to essentially write it down, (which allows it to be less preoccupying), and to talk about it with somebody who you trust implicitly, or a stranger who would benefit in some way from hearing it and don't expect to talk to them ever again. This is simply catharsis. So if you have another art form (in this context simply meaning a way to express a sentiment, thought or feeling), then use that. But yeah, it might be worth trying a different anti-depressant. They work differently on different people due to the enzymes in your liver. They can do a test to see which will be most effective. Look it up; it may be worth it to avoid the guessing involved with trying medications.
My personal belief about death is that my consciousness will become part of the common metaconsciousness from which we all come, some people may call it God. So in this sense it loses coherent form, but doesn't really need to have form, because I will be part of the collective, and no longer have to experience things alone. In this belief I am comforted by the idea of death, but do not actively seek it out. I wish to fulfill a purpose first. Having a purpose that you feel you are fulfilling is very important.

Hey,
I don't now about anti-depressants, I prefer staying for medication for now given that I'm feeling better right now. By feeling better though I mean I'm done with anxiety attacks and I'm enjoying my hobbies again, but my wish for death is still there.

I like your idea about the after life, it's peaceful. I too used to believe that when we die the "good" ones of us will merge into God to become one.

Lately I've been feeling sadness alongside wishing to die. And there's a lot of reasons for this, unexplicable ones mostly. I'm thinking about my ex-girlfriend whom I still love, the idea of her getting married in the future with another man... Everything about the future is making depressede actually, I just don't want one day to be obliged to look for a job, get married and have kids. I just don't want to live such a life. I don't have a purpose in my life and I don't how to find it, I'm losing hope, I just want to go away, this empty life I'm living can't keep going on.