Nothing

Nothing. It's pretty much all I do anymore. Sure, I cover the basic tasks like feeding myself and getting to work, but it still feels like nothing. I haven't made any progress in my classes in over a month, nor have I worked on my side projects I really want to complete. I haven't even touched the massive stack of books I've been looking forward to for months, either.
I could go on, but you get the idea. But it's not procrastination. I don't want to do these things later, I just want to do nothing. No -let me rephrase that- There is nothing I want to do. At all. I don't even want to live. Or die. Or continue doing nothing.
I've gotten used to the sorts of depression where you hate yourself or just feel like existence is an inherently negative experience, or don't enjoy anything or feel a degree of this 'nothing', but this is really ####ing up my life... and it keeps getting worse.
If anyone's felt this kind of depression or wants to talk about it go right ahead. I tried to make a doctor;s appointment to get a referral of a mental health clinic but I can't see my doctor for at least half a month. Sure, I've [barely] survived undiagnosed depression for so many years that a couple weeks should seem like nothing, but... I don't know.

Big hugs.

This is what I call a zombie state. When I was on my antidepressants, but the dosage was too low, I got to this stage of feeling nothing. Feeding yourself and working is actually a lot. I could barely do the former and definitely not the latter. Because I had no interest in... moving. Or reading. Or anything really. I found this to be the worst part of my depression. As strange as this sounds, I preferred pain to nothingness.

For me, this was a question of adjusting AD dosage. I hope you get help soon, and that it works for you. Please keep us posted.

Oliveira wrote:As strange as this sounds, I preferred pain to nothingness.

I totally agree. I used to hate myself a lot, and somehow I was able to channel that into productivity. I'm glad taking antidepressants ended up working for you, even though it took a few tries! I really think that they would help me, too. Unfortunately, the process of getting them is just so complicated and difficult. If I could just get them by myself and self-medicate I would. I know with a few texts I know I could get marijuana or cocaine or some other illicit drug but those don't help me at all. Hooray for drug laws.
Well I tried calling the doctor again to see if we could work out the referral over the phone. Key word being tried. I actually Just held my phone and stared at the number for at least an hour before calling, got put on hold for a minute, panicked and hung up.
Can't even motivate myself to get drunk today.

Perhaps there is someone you could ask to make the call, or maybe you could e-mail?

I found it also very ironic how easily I can score street drugs, but if I want actual medication, well, that's going to be very difficult Tried self-medicating. It kinda worked, for a few hours, then made me feel much worse, so I did it again, it worked for a few hours... and now I am a member of Narcotics Anonymous. Self-medicating isn't as much fun and games as you'd think. *sigh*

If I knew my doctor's email I would use it! Writing is a lot more comfortable for me than speaking on a phone. I'd like to ask someone to do it for me, but there are only a few people I could ever trust enough to be open to about my struggle with depression. And... they're not really in my life anymore. I actually just started talking about it to a good friend recently but I feel like he's getting sick of me bringing it up all the time.
I wrote down notes for what I'm going to say if I call again. I hate asking for help so much.

Yeah, I'm extremely depressed all of the time. I feel your lack of motivation and your frustration at not doing anything. I am not really sure how or why, but I've just kinda come to accept that some days I will the density of my consciousness, if you will, is less than at other times. What I mean by this is that I only really take care of eating and basic necessities, and then I'm out of energy. I might think and if I'm lucky I might have some good conversations. That is the extent of my productivity during 1/3 or 2/3 days depending on other factors like whether my chronic pain is in the 4-5 range (rare) or in the 6-7 range (common) or in the 8+ range(very common). So I just cram all of the other things in life into those common and rare days. I still constantly fall behind in school, but it is what it is. Many times, while I may not be in a lot of pain, I will be unusually depressed, which screws up my productivity. So, all I'm really saying is that you ain't alone. Wish I had more to offer. I used to be on anti-depressants, but there was a nasty drug interaction that made me swear off anti-depressants after they contributed to near-death.