Is everyone feeling this?

Hi all,

It's been a long time since I posted. In some way, this is good. Now I feel much better (infinitely better) than a few months ago.

But I'm a bit confused. I started a new career at university, I have met new people, and I feel that I'm not depressed anymore. I'm usually in good mood, or at least better than usuall, but I cannot consider myself as a "happy person". From time to time, maybe twice a month, I spend a few days sadder than usual. I don't want to speak with anybody and I hate when I arrive at home at night every day, because its all a routine for me...

Maybe I'm feeling a bit alone, i do not have anybody to love, in fact, i don't want anybody to love, because this is so complicated for me, and I had some bad experiences in the past, so I don't want to repeat them again.... I'm just afraid of feeling the same pain again... I don't want relationships.

I thought in changing a bit my life: go to live in a shared flat, buying a motorbike, start learning something else, etc.. but I do not have too much initiative, so this is gonna take long...

meanwhile, I'm in a state while I'm neither happy nor sad. Sometimes I think if everybody feels like this, because some friends have told me similar feelings....

I know I could feel better. I felt better when I was 19 (for example), so I want to return to that stupid happiness that I had, but maybe that's not possible anymore, because I've matured a little bit since.

Some people say the less things you know, the more happier you'll be. It's compatible happiness with knowledge?

i'm so confused....

I can see where as we mature, we might be sad for younger days gone by.

We can also get in to a rut of routine, and be complacent for awhile. It sounds like you are social well balanced. You have growing up learn alot of life lessons. You do not have to be with anyone immediately, and it is ok to not want to be hurt again.

So YES, you can be happy with knowledge & wisdom. At least it has worked out this way for me.
BUT= I know I suffer from major depression, it can be treated, which I choose to do, but I FIGHT Depression every day of my life.

So this is how I look at it:
Something I fight everyday (to feel happy) is certainly not my friend, it would make depression my Enemy.

I have learn that the strategy to Respect Your Enemy works for me, and I focus my energy to that.

Knowing my enemy, Respecting (learning and accepting) my Enemey, and Fighting and Winning over my enemy.

Depression no matter how hard I try and God knows how hard I have tried to live happy and No treatment, has NOT worked for me.

I have to treat mine, which started healing. and not just a bandaid to keep me all together.
A really Fix, I own it, it does not own me. That way I keep my sanity.

JMHO

thank you for your response.

I understand that you consider the depression as your enemy, but I cannot imagine how can I "respect" it.

What I usually do, when I start feeling bad about something that, I try to be quick and realize that this feeling is unreasonable, that I don't have any reason to feel so badly, and try to block any negative thoughts that come to my mind. More or less, it works for me.

The problem is when I don't realize it. Then I feel so sad that I cannot stop this negative flow of thoughts during several hours (or maybe some days). Once you start thinking negative, it's very difficult to change the direction of those feelings.

and I think I'm writing so much, there's other people that needs attention...

Go for it!

welcome.

When I say respect I mean know your enemy, I accept that I have an illness. I choose to fight it like cancer. If I don't , it almost killed me once.

I know what you mean about not being happy but not sad. That happens to me a lot, I refer to it as "the indifference". I also know all about how one bad thought leads to another and how it can go on for hours.

Unfortunately I don't have any great words of wisdom or anything to share.

I do have to wonder what you meant by "stupid happiness."

hahaha

stupid happyness, I like this word it's a good definition