Then I met a man who I realize now is likely a narcissist or psychopath.
He faked his entire personality to lure me in, and after I left him he found another woman within days, like getting a new house plant.
He negged my body and my mind. For those who aren't familiar with negging, its when a guy insults you to break you down and make you feel like you can't do any better than him so you will pick him or keep him.
This man is obese, he doesn't have a good looking face, he will just spoil you with treats and give you very glib compliments.... at first.
Then he feels like hes losing his hold and gets nasty. He was awake before me once and I woke, and he had this horrible attitude, accusing me of fantasizing about other men in my sleep. He claimed all of his exs cheated, and he lied about literally everything, porn, strip clubs, you name it, if he thought it would bother me he straight up lied.
Once I realized he was lying about a few important things, and gaslighting me, I left.... but the damage was done.
I had felt so great about my body before, but he said so many horrible things.... and this was coming from an ugly obese man!!!
Its several months later and I have been drinking too much, given up on exercise, just now started dieting again, but because of him I gained back nearly all of the weight I lost in the first place. I'm not obese, just thick, but I hate my waistline lately and I want to make a change.....
I just don't have any motivation, I have this nagging voice saying, it won't help, men are shallow even if theyre obese and ugly and they will always find flaws so WHY BOTHER?
I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and ptsd....
He awoke a lot of my triggers and though I am holding myself together very well, I just have ZERO motivation, ZERO inspiration, I feel like I'm a lost cause physically and that even though people tell me I'm beautiful a lot, and men check me out, I feel like all they want is a "perfect" stick figure with fake-looking-but-not-fake-breasts, a karsashian ass, etc etc etc.... I feel like society has gone mad and ugly fat men think they're deserving of someone who looks PHOTOSHOPPED!!!
I cannot possibly find the motivation to improve my looks given these conditions, its a losing battle...
And now lately I watch this FAT male acquaintance of mine objectify for sport and try to date way out of his league, and its bringing up the ex trigger again.....
Why do they feel so entitled?
How can I find the motivation to start to fight what I see is a losing battle.... I'm 39, I am not 21 and I never will be again..... I can't diet my way into looking like a 21 year old, but I date men who are less attractive than me, which I thought would help but they all feel entitled!!!
I'm at my wits end with this.
