Enduring misery and cowardice

I wish I could be normal. Maybe a week or two. Just to pretend. But normalcy is for people with good jobs and money to spend. Me. I'm just trapped. Don't tell me people get up and save themselves. Most don't. If I had even one iota of courage I would end it all, but I'm a coward. On the rare days I'm happy, I have all the more pain the next when I realize it was a farce, an illusion. Life is empty and hard.

My boyfriend sits playing his video games making 90k a year, but doesn't support me and treats me like crap. But why not? Any jerk could see I got no place to go. I live in his company town and every dime goes to him unless I plead for a few dollars which leads to fights

He flaunts his salary and buys useless crap making a mockery of all the abusive arguments thrown at me about how it's my fault we will lose the house etc. so all the pain and work and sacrifice is for nothing. Today I see my father who was too busy visiting a girlfriend to spend time with his grown kids on Thanksgiving, so last place again.

Of course, my guy ain't going. He's busy. Doing nothing. So now I have to face the slings and arrows of my father's disappointment that I am not achieving all the career goals he thought I would. Meanwhile my brother will be smirking at me. It's always fun watching a train wreck.

I just want to shrivel up and disappear. I am nothing. None of the platitudes in the world will change that. And it's all bullcrap fakery. But the pain is always real, so I endure endless misery because of cowardice.

My dads the same. I don't even answer the phone the two times a year he tries to call me.

Back again. So sad, so much pain, where is God? Is there any God at all?

I'm ashamed of all my failures. I just stare at walls, pretend I'm somebody, pretend my life is something it's not.

Then it crumbles and I wake up from my self made fake place, and feel ashamed and sad and wish fervently to cease existence.

Don't give me all that $#%^ about people caring. They don't.

I had fleeting happiness today. I stood outside watched the moon and heard geese flying overhead. A moment of peace, a millisecond of hope.

Of course, this was crushed. I guess my Hater saw I looked mildly content. So this hater reminded me that I lost something that was very important that didn't belong to me. I tried to stay calm, but the more I thought the more I realized that this hater has caused nothing but pain, misery and stole years from me.

Then I remembered. I live a dead life. I'm already a ghost floating thru. Nobody even sees me unless they want a target. Then they point out how worthless I am until I dissipate. They feel better and walk off. Sometimes, if the Hater hears self injuring, it's the obligatory knock. This person feels no remorse for hurting me into nothingness, smashing me into the tiniest pieces, then leaving me weeping on the floor, rocking.

I tell myself life could be much worse. Waves of self hatred, anger and shame wash over me. If only I was stronger! Better! Never was, never will be. So mediocre that a mediocre amount of crosses to bear makes me wish I wasn't a coward and just kill myself, already.

Maybe tomorrow will be better, and I will lapse back into a predictable schedule: drink coffee, pretend I give a $#%^ about ######6, and in a few days forget this as the pain retreats. Float back into emptiness and pretend of a future.

If God does exist, please show mercy to me and empower me to have no fear.