How do I go on?

Hello

I joined this board because of a desperate attempt to get some human insight from people other than myself who might be or might've been in the same position as me, despite how unlikely I've found that to be.

For a few years now, I would describe myself as relatively numb. A kind of zombie. It's because my life continues to consist of trauma after trauma after trauma. Previously, they used to consist of large traumas that were spaced somewhat far apart, or that were ongoing and that I could do nothing about. These days I don't experience as much huge traumas and I've overcome most of the ongoing traumas, but they've been replaced with seemingly small traumas that continue to batter me with a much larger frequency. Normally, I would be able to overcome these small traumas because it used to comfort me greatly that at least these problems have straightforward solutions. I felt better about handling the small traumas in the past because I could contrast them to the large traumas in my life, which I had no control over. Without the cloud of these large ones in my life, I have become more aware I suppose of the small problems I have but they seem to make me feel just as bad if not worse than the large traumas because these small problems literally come one after the other after the other after the other. I used to have time to recover between my traumas and I would used that period of time to reorganize myself and my spirkt. But at this point my soul has been continously crushed and has been beyond shattered. The frequency of these traumas sometimes make me if God is somehow testing how much I can endure before I just can't take it anymore. The sad thing is that I can't really express how I feel to anyone I know because individually what I go through doesn't seem like a big deal since my mental and emotional strength has been utterly diminished, the simplest disappointment has me contemplating ny entire life. Like for example, I lost my job several months ago and today I was supposed to attend an orientation at a new job I'm looking at but as I tried to leave my house, my car wouldn't start because I thinj it has battery problems. I had to take an Uber to the orientation and spend an unplanned $20 on the trip (of the $30 to my name before the Uber trip). As I left the orientation, I was holding my umbrella with one hand and attempting to use my phone in the heavily pouring rain but the wind from the storm was very strong and completely broke my umbrella, causing me to have to walk soaked and freezing to the bus stop and to school. It's these kinds of things that slowly chip away at me and what I think of the value of my life. My life may have value but at this point, I struggle going through all of this mess and it affects my motivation to do things that are important to me, let alone my schoolwork. I procrastinate on not only my homework or whatever assignments, but even picking my mom up from work. It's often 9:55 when I know I'm supposed to be picking my mom up at 10 and I have every intention to, but I have to battle with myself to get dressed and pick her up. You can imagine that this is even worse with something like school. I definitely know it's important and I have every intention of doing well in my heart, but I just can't bring myself to do it or care until really like a few hours before its due. To me, it's as if I an expected to have the motivation to do my schoolwork when I don't even have the motivation to live life itself mkst times. Especially when I view a lot of my school assignments as irrelevant (such as my Theatre and Spanish classes, which are required and which I couldn't care less about). The final concern I can think of is that I am constantly wondering if I'm just being whiny or if I really do have a #######5 quality of life. I was raised in a family that doesn't really believe in mental illness and believes that you shouldn't "complain" too much about life as long as you have food, water, etc. But I feel I deserve more than that because thats what I'm constantly surrounded by. A lot of my life is made difficult because of how extremely poor I am, but being extremely poor is not that bad when you're not constantly reminded that you don't have money. That's what happens to me and I feel as though what happens to me is unnecessary. Like I'm probably gonna have to buy a new battery and there was one day where my car was towed for parking in a reserved spot apparently even though I could've sworn to God I saw no reserved sign and I had to pay $225 to get it back. That was probably one of the most traumatic experiences of my life because my mom got home when I was at school and told me my car was missing and that it was nowhere to be found. She made the situation worse by suggesting that we call the police because she thought it had been stolen. As I was walking to the bus stop after reading that, my bones literally tensed up and I could walk no further than a snail's pace. When I got home, she informed that the car had been towed and what made me even more upset is that we had to spend extra money on a taxi to take us to the towing lot. It was a happy ending for my mom but to have been put on that ride is still something I feel myself trying to recover from (this happened like two weeks ago). This was more trauma that happened before that but I feel I've spoken enough. I apologize for the length of this but I felt compelled to get all of this off my mind somehow to people who might be able to relate because I have no one I can trust or who I think would relate to talk about this. Honestly I have my doubts about whether anybody will truly resonate with me because I've searched the Internet far and wide for something that would help me try to keep living but I'm not interested in aby of it. Thank you for reading.

Hello,

Have you seen a doctor yet? I know I used to hate that question, but when I got to a certain point, talking to my Primary Doctor was the best thing I have done so far.

I think we've all had our fair share of traumas here. To me, the smaller ones ARE worse than the larger ones. Without going into too much detail, I'd rather fight my psychotic mother again when she tried to kidnap my child than get rained on after my umbrella broke. During the latter crisis, I felt more alive and coherent than I had been in a very, very long time, though that might have been the adrenaline. When my ex boyfriend didn't get to me on time due to traffic and I also stood out in freezing rain with no umbrella....it felt like the worst time in my life.

I can't exactly tell you why, though I do have a theory. I actually look forward to the larger traumas, but that's because they've always come since childhood. I know how to navigate them, I know what steps to follow, I know how to protect myself, and I know how to either solve it or get away. It's a familiar experience for me. During those larger traumas, I'm not feeling anything either. I don't stop to contemplate how awful my life is or how terrible the situation is; I just do. I just act. The worrying can come later, I tell myself. And that's exactly what happens.

During the 'smaller' traumas, I feel lost. There isn't usually much I can actively do to fix the situation. So, I think instead......and all the trouble from the big traumas eep into my thoughts, even though they have nothing to do with the little trauma of being caught in the rain.

You aren't alone in your thoughts and feelings. I'm sure people on this board besides myself can relate.

I suggest heavily that you talk to your primary care doctor. I, personally, had horrific experiences with therapists and psychiatrists in the past which is why it took me so long to get actual help, but I trust my doctor. If I can tell her all the other incredibly personal and shameful things without her judging me, I can tell her about feeling emotionally miserable. It's been the best thing I've done so far.

I, too, have no support system in place other than my seven year old daughter. My mother and brother are bipolar one and my father has cancer; I don't really have a lot of contact with them due to past traumas. It can feel like an incredibly lonely world to navigate without a support system. Its one of the reasons I started to post on this board. So, if you need to, keep posting. I'll keep answering to the best of my ability. I know how great it feels to finally get all that crap off your chest in the most honest way you can, where no one will judge you for it. Keep doing it. I'll be here.

Hello, findinghome. Thank you so much for replying. I am sorry to hear that your life experiences have been so troubling. I cannot imagine what you must've been going through when your mother tried to kidnap your child. It definitely sounds like a mess. One thing I really appreciate is you being able to relate to my story of being rained. That really helps me because a lot of times I feel like this weird stuff only happens to me. I feel justified in feeling bad about it.

To your question I don't have a doctor because my income is not in a stable place. I'm jobless and living with my mom who already has so many other things to take care of. I might be able to afford some sub-par insurance but I don't think it would cover me enough for me to able to afford doctor visits.

I hope you are feeling better today, even if it's just a little bit. -hug-

You are justified in your feelings. Just because you haven't experienced my situation does not make your pain any less; everyone on this board is feeling the same intense emotions, regardless of their situations. And all of us are trying to figure out why as we try to get back to some semblance of 'normal'. Sometimes there just isn't a 'why', and that's okay too. There are far, far too many people out there who judge people's situations with depression and we internally judge ourselves unfairly as well. You are, no matter how big or small the situation seems to another person, justified in feeling the way you do.

As for not being able to see a doctor, I completely understand. I don't know if you are in the US, but there are some 'free' mental health clinics available. I say 'free' because they assess if you are eligible for medicaid/medicare, have you apply, and will treat you while you wait for your approval. If you are approved, they back charge the insurance company up to, I believe, six months. If you aren't, they offer sliding scale payments tailored to what you can actually afford, even if it's only five dollars a session, and usually offer some form of incredibly low cost pharmacy plan. My younger brother had to do this and your situation resembles his. Of course, I'm only speculating by what you've written so far about your situation.

Also, if getting to appointments is a problem and you have medicare/medicaid (I can never remember which one is which), they offer free taxis as well. You just ask when you sign up and they should give you a number to call. You have to call about three days in advance of your appointment for the taxi and usually the day before to make sure they remember, but they were pretty good at getting my brother to his appointments and getting him home. And they are completely free, unless you want to tip.

I write this to make sure you know you do have other options, just in case no one else has informed you. It may take a while to actually get into the mental health clinic near you, but it is worth it. Having someone listen, having a crisis team if you ever need them, and having a psych that knows how to help you if you need him/her is incredibly worth the wait. Also, if the receptionist seems kind of....short and irritable....if you do call to ask questions, don't be discouraged. Just ask to talk to their insurance person, or whoever can help you get the information you need. They are usually in a better mood, for somewhat obvious reasons.

Of course, you can always post here as well! I will do my best to help you in any way I can, though I admit to not being any sort of professional. We are all in this boat together.