Anxiety and Depression

I don't know if anything will be triggering as this is my first post here, but I do mention a few things others might find triggering.


I've been diagnosed with depression by my primary doctor. For now, she's helping me cope while I wait the three agonizing months it's going to take to get into my local mental health clinic. As an aside, it is deplorable how long it takes to be seen - I feel like I have to do something drastic just to talk to an actual therapist. But I digress.

I'm on my eleventh day of taking Zoloft at 25mg. I've never had an issue with anxiety before, so the medication is strictly for my worsening depression symptoms. The first week of medication was great; I actually got a decent taste of normal and fell in love with it. I couldn't believe how motivated I was. There was no extra energy or anything manic like, I just was more motivated to do normal things. Like clean my house or take a shower without dreading every second of it.

But then I cracked a tooth from the grinding. I didn't get any other side effect from the Zoloft except for the intense teeth grinding. My doctor prescribed valium 10mg so that I could open my mouth again (the muscles were so tight and painful I couldn't eat). And I think that's when everything went downhill.

I had my first mild attack after barely missing being sides wiped by two different cars in a five minute period. Enough to make anyone anxious, right? Well, the anxiety slowly accumulated into a full blown attack after I got home. It was time for my meds anyway, so I didn't think too much of it and just went to bed.

The grinding stopped about two days ago, so I didn't take the valium last night. I was feeling more tired than usual, but emotionally well. I had a doctors appointment in the morning for the Zoloft. It's a good thing, too, because that's when the big one hit....

It started when I wasn't able to find a hairbrush for my daughter. It was picture day today. I did some deep breathing, reminded myself that its okay to lose a little battle here and there (my daughter has sensory perception disorder, so I'm used to picking certain battles), and got her on the bus with no other difficulties.

Then, I sat down to relax before I had to get ready for the appointment. My heart was pounding, so I took deep breaths. It wouldn't stop. I was suddenly very preoccupied with how I was feeling. By the time I had to leave for the appointment, I hadn't even gotten dressed, and rushed around to do so. I started gnawing on my pinky finger while I drove, and just kept trying to breath. No one seemed to notice. I told my doctor what was going on, that I felt freaking horrible, and she prescribed me Ativan. I made it back to my car, turned the car on, and started to shake and cry for a solid hour. I felt incredibly lonely, couldn't get anyone on the phone, couldn't drive anywhere or even get out of my car, and kept having intrusive thoughts of ending it....even started wondering if cutting again would make me feel better.

I finally managed to calm down, got my Ativan prescription, drove home carefully, and took the pill. Now I feel even more depressed than ever before, and no therapist will take me sooner. I have very few people to talk to about any of this without them feeling it's their fault, or that they have to do something. I need to keep it together for my daughter too.

So, does anyone else with depression experience these severe anxiety attacks? How do you cope when you feel them coming? What should I do about the worsening depression? My poor GP is a wonderful nurse practitioner who is really trying to help, but I can see the uncertainty in her demeanor; she's a family practitioner not mental health. And going into a psych ward scares the ever living pee out of me, so that is not an option even if it were my only option.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling though it does feel nice to do so. I appreciate all who read and/or respond.

Hello,

big hugs.

For me anxiety and depression go hand in hand. Either can trigger the other. Luckily thanks to my meds I finally stopped getting anxious but it was bad enough to stop me from leaving the house altogether, no matter what.

I would suggest that you ask for a referral to a psychiatrist (if it's necessary in your country, here it is). A GP can't really help you with mental health problems, and from my personal experience even if they prescribe medication they give you very low doses -- too low -- because they're scared to give you as much as you actually require.

As for a psych ward, I've spent some time in one, and apart from being terrifyingly bored (there isn't all that much to do at psych wards when you have a bad tremor, I spent the occupational therapy reading books about art) I don't have anything particularly scary or exciting to report. The food was surprisingly good. As weird as this might sound, I'd recommend it to anyone, you have daily access to doctors, they can tweak your meds really quick and generally you save a lot of time compared to the regular "take 400 mg of this and come back in a month" -- "oh, that's not working? take 500 mg and come back in a month" routine.

Oliveira wrote:Hello,

big hugs.

For me anxiety and depression go hand in hand. Either can trigger the other. Luckily thanks to my meds I finally stopped getting anxious but it was bad enough to stop me from leaving the house altogether, no matter what.

I would suggest that you ask for a referral to a psychiatrist (if it's necessary in your country, here it is). A GP can't really help you with mental health problems, and from my personal experience even if they prescribe medication they give you very low doses -- too low -- because they're scared to give you as much as you actually require.

As for a psych ward, I've spent some time in one, and apart from being terrifyingly bored (there isn't all that much to do at psych wards when you have a bad tremor, I spent the occupational therapy reading books about art) I don't have anything particularly scary or exciting to report. The food was surprisingly good. As weird as this might sound, I'd recommend it to anyone, you have daily access to doctors, they can tweak your meds really quick and generally you save a lot of time compared to the regular "take 400 mg of this and come back in a month" -- "oh, that's not working? take 500 mg and come back in a month" routine.

Thank you for your reply, and big hugs back!

I can understand now how someone could feel that much anxiety. My car was on at the time, and I had to quickly shut it off because the mere thought that I was in a vehicle that could move terrified me even more. The thought of driving to someone, anyone, or even getting out of my car to go to the emergency room about two hundred feet away (my doctors office is in the hospital) caused the severe hyperventilating. The scariest part was not being able to feel my face and thinking I was going to pass out in my vehicle, the cops would be called, and they would find benzos in my system even though I hadn't taken one in at least two days. It's insane what your mind can find to be afraid of.

I am, unfortunately, waiting three months for the only good psychiatrist in my small town. My GP doesn't want to send me to the other person, but won't give me a reason why. I trust her though. I told her right off the bat that I trusted her enough to even tell her of my depression, because I had such a horrible experience with therapists/psychiatrists before. I think she's trying to maintain that trust by not sending me to someone she doesn't like, even if it is kind of unethical. I can definitely tell she's having issues wanting to up the Zoloft though, because she just keeps prescribing different benzos. At least she's listening to me, and doing her best; I couldn't say the same for my last pair of mental health professionals.

My daughter means the world to me. I've been suffering intrusive thoughts of ending it for years, but it has always been her that makes me change my mind. Even with all of her issues and as hard as it can be to handle her sensory problems sometimes, she's my little rock that gives me purpose. When I feel like doing something stupid, I think about what would happen if I wasn't there for her. Her biological father neglected her so we split when she was really young and he's not in her life at all; she would have no one. And I don't trust any other soul to take care of her the way she needs to be taken care of, not even family.

I mention my daughter because that is the reason a psych ward scares me. Could I use the vacation, therapists, and doctors? Yeah, probably. But I wouldn't get any better because I wouldn't want to; I might even get worse. My entire drive to get better is because I see my daughter every day; I want to be the best role model I can be for her, even if that means I have to smile and suck back tears or fall out of bed in the morning to make sure she's ready for school or pull myself off the couch to go to the park and put on my happy mask to make sure she's happy. She's the reason I can pull my thoughts together and explain behaviors, what to do and not to do, and how to cope with her own emotional responses to stimulus. If I didn't have her in my life, I would not be here looking for others who may be suffering as well and trying to get better.

I'm sorry, I went on a small tangent, but it feels good to finally post what I'm honestly thinking. My poor boyfriend continuously believes he is the reason I'm depressed despite me explaining it really has nothing to do with him, so talking to him about anything is not an option. It would hurt his soul to hear that he's not the reason I'm hanging on for help.

Another fear of mine is being trapped with a whole bunch of other people. My whole family has issues, but my younger brother has bipolar one and spent a lot of time in the psych ward. I would visit every day at both visiting hours, and being around all those people in the tiny community room and sharing a room with a stranger and.....well, just thinking about it now makes me anxious. Not being able to make phone calls or see those you love when you want to...its terrifying to me.