Hello *TW*

Hi there
I'm new here and thought I would check this site out and see if I could find some people who could possible relate and maybe offer some advice.

I have been suffering from pretty severe depression and anxiety since before the age of 10. Had a pretty crap childhood filled with abuse and suffered emotionally pretty bad cause of it.. I was diagnosed with depression pretty early on.
I have been hospitalised twice now.. When I was around 14 I made plans to commit suicide when I turned 18 and when the day finally happened, I had reasons that I didn't carry out my plan due to actually having some sort of happiness at that time.

I think though because I planned and fully set my mind to it that I wouldn't be around anymore has kinda screwed more with my mind that I shouldn't be here now and I just feel like I have screwed up by not carrying out my plans.. That probably sounds pretty weird but I can't shake off that feeling.

Not only have I had severe depression for as long as I can remember but I have horribly bad anxiety. I was almost hospitalised as a teen because doctors thought I was anorexic because of how much weight I was losing because I was throwing up so much because I always would feel so anxious around people it would literally make me sick.

I started smoking marihuana about 2 years ago and it actually helps a lot with the anxiety. Though I have lost a few jobs because of random drug tests.. I just can't seem to socialise or even find the energy to get out if bed now if I don't smoke it...

Was wondering if anyone else has experienced this type of thing, and if so maybe have any advice to help me get past it

Hi,

big hugs.

It's a really weird fact that in English you say "X successfully committed suicide". Like it's something to aspire to, and when you're "unsuccessful" that's a bad thing. Obviously it's ridiculous. But it probably contributes to how you feel. It's good that you're still around -- if only because you have found out that happiness is possible for you.

Self-medication is very common among depressives and bipolars. Unfortunately it's also harmful and can lead to addiction, meaning you have two problems instead of one. For me, the key was discovering NA and simultaneously cooperating with my psychiatrist and therapist. I am in a much better shape nowadays than a few years ago -- not perfect, but much better. And substance free.

When I was still depressed and using alcohol to "help" myself, I somehow couldn't get my head around turning 30. It was just... darkness. Like I wouldn't live that long darkness. I'm 38 now and for the last year or so I can actually think about my life long term -- I've been thinking of where I want to be when I turn 60. And I am very, very happy that my attempts at taking my own life were "unsuccessful". If I screwed up, that's the best screw up of my life! Literally!

Big hugs. I hope that what I wrote helps you a tiny bit.

PS. I added "TW" in the subject -- trigger warning -- because of both your and mine posts. Just in case you wondered.

Oops sorry about that. I'm new to this whole forum thing so I didn't even think to write trigger warning. Thanks for putting that there.

Yeah I agree that thinking to commit suicide would be a success is just ridiculous, but I guess cause I was thinking that is what I was going to do for so many years is making me feel that way, like I have screwed up the order of things because I didn't carry out the plan and everything now shouldn't be happening...
I met a girl who I fell pretty hard for when I was 17 and eventually we got engaged and had a son.. Eventually me and my finance broke up for numerous reasons, but my son has given me pure happiness and I could never ever harm myself now because I think of him much before myself.. Problem is I only get to see him every second weekend now so all other days I struggle to do anything..

I'm really glad to read you are doing better. I know what you mean when you wrote living in just darkness. That's awesome you are substance free as well.