So far gone

I'm lost in the water.
I have done and said all of this before.
Though; I have no idea where to go from here.
My existence feels completely irreverent.
I hate my life and myself.
I am just a negative person stuck in anger and self-resentment.
I want nothing more than; to of never existed in the first place.
Nothing in life seems worth it to me.
I feel all I do is cause pain and misery.
I can't do anything worthwhile.
I am so below nothing, I am barely even relevant.
No one hardly even recognizes my existence.
I am in pain!
I wish this not even on the worst of people.
There is no help for me.
I have no guidance.
What is there to look forward to when nothing I do on the outside matters?
Inside I am always anxious, obsessing, and miserable.
I try to lie sometimes and act like I have hope, but I don't.
Why should I?
I honestly do believe I am worth nothing, I have nothing to offer anyone.
Even I find that idiotic and sad.
I do nothing but hurt the ones I love the most.
I try to find new things to do.
I try and find joy in life.
Every time I think I have an idea; I fail myself.
Every single time!
I have no role models.
I have no one to look to for guidance.
I only have myself to look to, and blame.
Therein lies the problem, I can't get myself out of this rut, because I have no faith in anything I do.
I can't look to myself for guidance, because I hate myself!
How do you live day in and day out, hating yourself?
The answer is, you don't.
You fail to live life!
You can’t grow because you don't trust anything you do.
Those few moments of clarity are overran quickly by violent and hurtful thoughts.
I am so lost.
So very lost.

I am sorry you feel this way. Life can be hard , and cruel without measure. Only our inner strength and ability to cope can overcome these feelings. You are still alive so that tells me you are a fighter who doesnt just go down. You are gonna have to make a commitment and keep it if you intend to beat this disorder.

I don't know how to stay with...anything. I tell myself i will...but i never ever do. I would like to think i am just lazy, but that is too simple an answer. Everything i enjoy doing, i quit enjoying soon after it begins.

Are you on any meds right now?

No! i am done with that crap! Every single time i try and get medical help the doctors stair at a f**king piece of paper and don't listen to sh*t! This last time was the last straw! I am done losing every bit of me to medications that don't work! Not only do they not work, because i am being given the wrong stuff, THEY MAKE IT WORSE! I wish i could make EVERY single doctor i have ever seen feel the way i do. F**king stupid pieces of sh*t, i hate them almost as much as i hate myself!

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