Suicidal thoughts & anti-depressants do NOT work for me

I have suicidal thoughts almost everyday. If I told you my story all here at once, you would say I have good reason to be. The thing is, I am in the medical field and have tried every anti-D on the market. No lie. I have been off and on them for some 27 years.

My situation keeps getting worse and worse, which most people agree on. I am living in pure hell with a person that more than one therapist says is toxic to me. And I probably to him. However I have no where else to go. No where. I have lost so much in the last 2 years, and it is not over yet. The medicine I am on for a mood stabilizer for about 2 months is now making me gain weight and I was already depressed about my weight.

I see no alternative for me. I lost a nephew when he was 5, and I know how devastating a death is to a family. So what am I to do, just live in hell just so I am alive for the family? I am not living, I am existing. I am losing my career, about to lose my license to practice, and I am unable to work due to my mental state. I am dependent on this person that is toxic to me. I just cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have heard the same advice over and over and over. Sometimes I just laugh at it.

Why is mother nature so cruel? No one shoud have to live in such misery. I have been called drama queen before, but I think that is ridiculous. I know drama queens. I am just at my wits end. I know no one can help me but me, I just seem to run into a brick wall every which way I turn.

Please help! I am open to any thoughts.

hello KK,

thanks for posting.

have you tried something other than anti-depressants, such as talk therapy? i think it would be more beneficial than medication for you... since you seem to have good reasons to feel the way you do!

i'm very sorry to hear that you've been experiencing so much difficulty. i know it's been so hard on you. have any of your therapists given you therapy?

are you financially dependent on this person, or are you also emotionally dependent on them?

what is your main goal? to reduce the frequency/intensity of your suicidal thoughts? or is something else?

i apologize for the abundance of questions, but i feel that more information would be helpful in producing answers.

take care.

Hi,

Thanks for the reply. To answer your questions, I have been in a lot of therapy, not all good of course. I had intensive outpatient hospitalization therapy 3 times, and been in private therapy off and on since age 23, so roughly 28 years..wow. I did not even realize it had been that long.

However, I was not correctly diagnosed with all 3 of my diagnoses until last month. I was just diagnosed with depression all those years. I have borderline personality disorder and cyclothymia also. I am now on a mood stabilizer, but as of late I am finding myself not being able to afford it due to, to answer the other question, the toxic person. Yes I am financially dependent totally on him. I know he does not have to do it, but after I lost my job over a year ago he paid for my cobra insurance. Which is a hell of a lot cheaper than all the meds and psych doc, therapy plus anything else that might come up. The mood stabilizer was helping some, but I still felt suicidal. Still do.

The person I am totally dependent on is getting older and senile. His income is actually more than last year he told me, but now he says he cannot afford to help with the cobra. This is causing friction between me and my sister and other family. I think they think I am just being a mooch. I just got out of the hospital in December from taking an overdose, and my doc said he did not feel like I was ready to go back full time to work. I have looked for part time work, but there is more to that story...

Ironically I am a nurse, still for the moment, and I am just severely burned out. Plus me keeping my license is contingent on finishing a course that I cannot face at all. I don't know that I can go back to nursing. I also feel that if I took a job as a store clerk in this small town, it would crush me even more to run into other nurses. My sister and I just talked, and she just does not understand that, and thinks I am being ridiculous. I explained that she just has no clue of how I am feeling. She even said, if I needed money like you do, I would pick up trash on the side of the road. Great!! I do have an ounce of pride left I think!! She is telling me to put my pride aside!!

Right now, I am just exisiting, not living. I know not working or being productive is not good for me, but I seem to be caught in a web of failure and I feel so doomed. I want to die and I guess I just need to go far away somewhere, that I would not be found. At least if my family thinks I am just missing, they would not know. I do not want everyone to hate me more than they do. I hate myself and sure wish that someone would have just let me die from my overdoses I have tried. I guess I just have not tried hard enough. I can make it happen.

I guess that is my main goal at the moment, but it is a very sad one to say the least. I guess I want someone to save me or just shoot me.

maybe we should get together some time?? (kind of a joke...kinda)

i have too many 'problems' doctors don't like to approach with sincere desire to help. they just wana label it outta the book and be done with a stamp on the head.

i would post all the meds i've been on, what reactions i get to them, but they are long and whacked out as well. basically, i have seizures. as far as docs are concerned, they wana label it 'non-epileptic' seizures, meaning, its all in yer head (mentally that is). and they wana label all my reactions to anti-depressants/psychotics as 'psycho-somatic'. >>>>>ALL<<<<< of the meds they have tried, i react completely REVERSE oppisite to what they were originally intended for. mood stabilizers, i get more and more and more moody. when those mood swings occur, i feel like i'm having a wake-seziure. cause when it occurs, it comes outta the blue, and ends completely at random, and when its done, i feel like i just woke up from a seizure. the higher the meds they put me on, the worse and more frequent outta control it became. doc's have since officially given up on me and refuse to see me anymore. i've even tried over the counter stuff from herbal to pharmaceutical. oh gawd. i'm never touching those again either!!! i'm basically left to figure out pharmaceutical and bio-chemistry on my own.

i'm at the point now, i nearly can't take ANYTHING, something happens. i can tell you, something changed when i had a seizure several years ago, and 5 skull fractures and a major frontal brain hemmorage. (for that incident, i can't get docs or lawyers to believe me it was cause i was on vioxx and i am deathly allergic to cox-2 inhibitors now. went into seizure a half hour after taking celebrex, so i don't know what further proof they need!!! hell if i knew celebrex was a cox-2 inhibitor at the time.......)


as far as seeking therapy goes??? all it is for me is a waste of time and money. sitting in front of a therapist or counselor, its the 'uh huh' 'hmmmm,..' 'ok...' note scribble scribble scribble..... in front of shrinks who do meds?....instant stamping and put me on meds...funny how it doesn't work huh? meds? doctors? therapists??


i lost my faith in the medical world long long long long time ago.....