my story and depressed life

well everyday of life i see my self as disappointment a failure and i don't show my depressed life to people as it will bring a bad name to my family and to me. I was born into a family with high expectations, the day i was born my parents uncles aunties all believed ill become smart and successful person. however when i finished high school my life became harder and harder day by day. when i received my marks to get into college, they were terrible absolutely terrible my parents looked at me with complete disappointment my family members would always ask me what i mark i got i would always lie just feel less of failure. As i started working for my father life became harder, with my father cutting my pay from 20 dollars an hour to 14 a hour, and legally i should be earning more that however i dont want to cause problems. i was always subject of a argument their was a moment i told my dad i dont love him and that really hurt, but thing was i didn't care he was emotionally when i said that, i had no emotion of remorse or guilt but made me feel happy i said that. but end of the day his my father

as i started private college i started trying to get into studying but i failed a unit that studied effortlessly on and now for semester 2 I'm close to failing again and other units. i try my best but work always comes in the way and bills. i crashed my car 3 times and technically my father owns it, meaning the fighting was endless. my father always in argument tells me I'm a failure in life as i failed in school and in work. i work my ass off every day to make my father happy but he still believes i did $#%^ job, my mother looks at me like disgraced the whole family. Everyday for past month i was in bed just starring at the wall in dark and thinking of how i can get back in time to fix every aspect i stuffed up. thinking what the future holds for me or would even be alive that time.

my anger levels became extremely high, a example would be for some reason i would be upset at someone for no reason or i would cause a fight just out of no where. i started causing fights with family and other people just because i was generally i was upset at them.

i started smoking to relieve my stress i started doing other wrong stuff to get myself to stop thinking about the past but it comes back in my head everyday when i fail in something or when family start problems. i think about disturbing stuff which sometimes makes me wonder I'm like this.

i always say to myself life is like this and other people around the world are living it harder than me but why i am here why was brought up in this family, why can't be my own man leave the worries

Hey AD123

I'm sorry you're feeling like a failure - it sounds like there are so many expectations on you and not enough care and support to help you achieve your potential. That isn't your fault at all - expectations without enough kindness and care are really hard to meet because you're on your own trying to be what other people want you to be.

It does sound like you work incredibly hard and I can really feel that you're trying your best. It must be so tiring to work and study at the same time, especially when you're working so closely with your dad and he has such high expectations.

Maybe some other people might have a tougher time than you, but that doesn't mean your feelings aren't important or valid. I can hear that you're really struggling and I think it's ok for you to feel that without pushing your feelings to one side. You've got some really important emotions coming up, like sadness and anger, which show how you truly feel, regardless of what your dad thinks you should feel. Your emotions matter a lot because they are connected to who you are.

I really wish you all the best and take care of yourself,

Lisa

Thank you for your help and I under everything you said. I try to tell myself everyday that everyone around the world are living it harder than me and I should be greatful for what I got. But everytime the word failure always comes to my head, I can't keep with bills or my studies everything has caused a major setback in my life. But it's time for me to start having a fresh start by studying more and working less and start finding a new job with a better wage. I've kept this depressed life of my a secret for 1 year now and people believe I'm happy kind of guy, I think I should tell a close friend what I'm going through because I don't want to live like this for long

I'm not down playing your issues but it sounds like you have a chemical imbalance. Medication can do wonders for depression once you have found the right med(s). Not to say you don't need to deal with issues but it can be helpful to your mood.
I had to stop drinking before they would work well. From 3 accidents I'm just guessing you have some kind of chemical dependency. Granted I could be wrong, just taking a guess. Cognitive behavioral can be very helpful too.