I realized

I realized.
My way of tasting life is corrupted.
I am handicapped.It's just invisible.I look like a perfectly normal human being...but the one thing that's wrong is literally how I taste life...that's the problem, it's been battered, thats what this disease does.It takes your taste of life and turns it to $#%^.

everything, every experience, every second of my existence is but an empty copy of what life really is.
I finally how understand how beautiful life is, when I understand that everything I lived is fake.
It's a Aha moment.So if life is not absolute $#%^ like it has been for me.Then it must be something beautiful.I don't know..I will never get to taste life like normal people.

Cancer?torture?acid thrown in your face?
It's nothing....nothing can compare to being robbed every single second of your life, all the years, all the love, all the friendships, everything is robbed and I don't feel nothing.
Depression is the most horrible disease on this planet.The most horrible fate.
A torture so unimaginable.No one would be able to dream of coming with such an evil plan to punish their worst enemy.

every single second of my life destroyed..to be left a shell that tastes like dirt.not only am I failure,I knew that I was this whole time.

now I finally realize.I am a ######6 martyr.A victim of life, I won the dark lottery.

all my intelligence, my kindness, my heart, my love.....it's all wasted, these past 8 years NEVER USED OR APPLIED TO MY REAL LIFE.
I DIDNT SHOW LOVE TO PEOPLE. I DIDNT USE MY INTELLIGENCE FOR SOMETHING GOOD. its all wasted because I COULDNT!!!
I WASNT LAZY!!!
I DIDNT NOT TRY HARD ENOUGH!!
I LITERALLY ######6 CANT BE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING!!THATS MY DISEASE

The beautiful person that I could have been,I could have been so good to this world.....no, nothing, just a massive waste of a human life.I am not a failure,I'm worse,I'm literally pain and despair.That's all I am.Ive been pretending my whole life to be fine, to put up.Now I realize just how #######5 my life is, how much I lied to myself.

I always knew I meant for something great.for something special.
well this is really special,I out of millions of human being gets to witness what's it like to have your life hollowed out and replaced by an imposter.All the years of my life.

I guess I take up the bad fate so another human being doesnt have to?
I've witnessed and I've judged.This sort of life trash.only good to be ended early.
please say something

@Evaneiss

Holy F#*%!

Like life is seaweed and all it has decided to do is suck you down...more....and more....until the darkness shrouds you completely and all hope has been obliterated!

Yes?

Like other people, who look normal just like you, are so blind and ignorant to real pain. They talk about being sad and how it feel to get dumped, or left behind, and all you can think is; "that is how i feel every second of ever day."

You can see the beauty in the world, oh my God it is so wonderful!!! But the glass is too thick to break through, and that beautiful world will never be reached by the likes of me.

Pain is the only thing i know, right?

I wish it were not true, and i wish Evaneiss that i could heal or fix you, too.

I can at the very least, relate to you. I believe.

So how is it you make it through every day? I know how i do it(just barely most days), but now i want to know how you do Evaneiss?

So you feel empty. You're just.. There but with no sustenance.. Like you're an egg that someone has cracked open to use up all of the good stuff to Fry up for themselves, but toss away the empty shell like trash. That's exactly how I feel. I know there is purpose to my life, to every individual's life. But I still feel like mine isn't important. like I should be doing so much better but I've fallen short of everyone else's expectations. No one wants bits of you, the empty shell, to spoil a single bite of their precious meal.

So much is expected of you but your personal struggles are invisible to all except yourself. And the fact that everyone else seems so much happier and more successful than you makes you feel inadequate and that there's not even a point in trying. While at the same time knowing that you're comparing your behind the scenes to everyone else's cover, but you can't help feeling the emptiness and inadequacy in your life.

And you're probably trying harder than anyone else but have nothing to show for it. For me it's a challenge to get up and do the dishes or sweep the floor and when I do it I feel proud. But when my mom sees how "little" I've done all day I'm immediately put down. My accomplishments mean nothing anymore. So why even try tomorrow?

It is hard to break that rut.

For instance right now i am putting my shoes on, and making myself go get exercise.

Why would i do that? It is so ######6 scary, and feels so pointless.

That is WHY i am doing it!

I am learning that the more pointless something seems, the more substance it has to offer me as a human.

I hate feeling sad and alone.... so i am going for a walk taking pictures and creating a dating profile to meet new people.

So EFFING pointless! . . . . but i am doing it anyways.