I'm not sure I can do this anymore

Today I lost my job, I'm a concept artist and i was let go for not being good enough. This job was super easy, all I did was little Farmville icons and trees. Now, I don't know what do. I feel ashamed like a failer, im going to lose the the home i love take a job that sucks my soul. doing this work is the only thing I want to do. But now I feel I'll never reach it. I want to go back to school but in this,economy it's insane, not to mention that art schools are insanely expensive, and I might not even get into them.

On top of that I've gained a lot of weight so my self esteem is gone.

I feel like I don't know who I am any more. Like I don't know who I ever was. I've spent my whole life in these up and down Rollacosters of depression and a brief respite of peace but anytime something good happens, something else happens eventually that corrupts it so I have few if any happy memories.

I can't handle this anymore, the pain the sadness the uncertainty the loneliness, the constant failer, the self hatred. It been 26 years of this and I can't handle it anymore, I just want it all to stop. Everyday I'm waking up wishing that I sink so low I just end it all so I don't have to deal with this world any more.

I just feel like there is nothing left for me here.
Im sorry for the long post I'm just so lost and wanted to want someone to know.

Eureka, I'm sorry you're going through this tough time. It sounds like you have several things happening at once.

One thing I try to do is realize I've been depressed before and this episode will eventually end. When it will end, who knows, but it will end without me taking my own life. Whether it's a med change, therapy, changes I make, something will eventually work.

You're a strong person for fighting this disease. Remember that. You're a fighter. You've made it through depression before, you can do it again.

In the meantime, I suggest talking to a therapist and your pdoc. Make emergency appointments as soon as possible. Don't wait for this episode to just pass.

The good news is that I can see my therapist pretty soon.
But I have this feeling that's it's pointless, that I'm going to lose everything.

What's worse is that the real reason I was let go was my fault, in the end I didn't push my self hard enough and blew a great opportunity to rise above and be a rockstar. But I got cocky and lazy and blew it. The door was left open so I could improve and come back but I know that if I did no matter how hard I worked or successfull I was I would always be remembered for my failer and be an outsider for it.

I know this would happen because this exact same thing has happened in every job and place I have ever been.

Even worse, I knew about this problem and actively tried to correct it. But despite that I still failed.

Now I feel that my entire past is worthless, it's a constant reminder of how I never truly belonged.

After identifing problems, trying to correct them and still failing I'm too exhasted and scared to try again.