Why care?

Sometimes I wish I was a different person — actually, most of the time. Someone that doesn't care as much. Someone who knows how to be happy. I haven't been happy in years... I wish I didn't want somebody… didn't need anybody, but I do. I do. And it sucks.

I'm scared. And I don't know why. But it's more than just scared. Scared I can deal with. Fear is just a stupid feeling to be rationalized and wished away. I woke up this morning and everything was fine. Everything just how it always is. What changed? Did anything change? Maybe I just ran out of energy to continue lying to myself. Stopped and gave up the facade of happiness.

I'm losing. But normally that wouldn't bother me. Why do I care this time? What makes this time special? She does. And this is how I always lose people. They replace me. Why am I so easily replaced? Why am I always the one that cares more?

I'm just surface. And I don't know how to be anything more than that — don't know if I can be more than that. The great mystery of people is what's under the surface, but when you scratch away my surface, all that's there is more surface. Or maybe there's just nothing underneath. I don't know which one is worse.

Can I be happy? No matter what I do, I'm not happy. I always convince myself that if I just keep changing myself, I'll be happy. But it never works. Why can't I just accept that life sucks? It would be so much easier. Why do I have to chase this idea that I can be happy? It's tiresome and always seems hopeless. Why do I keep trying? What's the point? Do I not deserve to be happy?

Life is just a futile chase. I can say that, but why can't I believe it. All these happy people around me. What do they know that I don't? Or are they just better actors?

Why can't life just be a marionette? It would be so much easier. Someone or something else pulling all the strings. An absolute truth that I am not in control. I'd rather feel helpless than whatever it is I feel now.

I shouldn't love anymore. I'm bad at it. Not to mention that no one will ever love me back. I need to disconnect. I should be alone. Need to break friendships before they make me feel broken. Too many people in my life that I shouldn't care about. Caring just leads to anguish and loss. But I don't know how to not care. I need to make it easier to not care...

I give up. Done. Done trying to be happy. I haven't been happy in years, and why should that ever change? Stop focusing on the future. The future always brings pain. Don't try to live; simply exist. Like a leaf on a tree. Unchanged by the blow of the wind and unconcerned with anything or anyone. When a leaf dies and falls to the ground no one notices. Not the tree that nurtured the leaf, not the other leaves in the tree, not even the leaf itself cares. No care cares. That's the only way I have left to live.