Don't know how much fight in me I've got left...

I just want to start off by saying, fortunately, I'm not currently having suicidal thoughts as I have done so many times in the past. I'm just at a point now where I'm wondering just how many more times I can start the recovery process after I relapse yet again.

I don't just mean the daily persistence of feeling low and drained which is bad enough but more the hopelessness after making some progress in one area of your life or another only to find its all come undone. I'm on anti depressants, certainly not for the first time and am waiting for another cause of therapy probably CBT but none of this works for me long term.

They're starting to talk about giving me ECT, which I know can be helpful but I don't want any treatment that comes with potentially permanent side effects

*mod edit*

I just want to be hopefull again...

You... have to hang in there, right? Hopefully they'll find the right combination of things for you.

How are you feeling right now? Any better?

gentle hugs if wanted.

I totally empathise. Wen there has been no light at the end of the tunnel, for years and years, it seems like an endless torture.
There are a few things that I find help prevent relapses. I have certain warning signs I am aware of so I can act early.
I put in place a strict routine, and I go back to basic CBT methods- such as challenging my irrational thoughts. I have a couple of 'safe friends' who are aware of my condition and can report back to me when they think I am in a decline.
Sometimes though, I just want to indulge my depression, and let it wash over me, because surrender seems so much easier than fighting.
I have found that the proactive approach has prevented me from hitting the worse of the lows and made recovery a lot easier/ quicker in terms of being able to manage my life and hold on to a job.