I Hate My Life

"I hate my life."

Remember this quote from a certain cartoon character? I can say the same thing about my life and with good reason too.

Often I can't help but feel that life and the whole world has it out for me. From the very beginning, it was rough for me. When my parents brought me home from the hospital it rained so hard and it was so slushy out that they had to drive 10 mph to get home from Humboldt to Naicam. But it only got worse throughout the years. To this day, nothing has changed. I continue to suffer hardship and misfortune while everyone else has it so good compared to me. It's like the entire world is against me and I haven't done a thing to deserve it.

Even today I get the feeling that I am left out of everything. Out of everyone in my family, I'm the only one who:

-Never graduated. Had to take an at-home course through Stratford to get my grade 12.
-Never went to prom.
-Had no friends in school. My younger brother and sisters were popular while I was a total outcast.
-Was bullied in school (mostly for no apparent reason)
-Was never invited to those teen parties.
-Has never been in a relationship or even a date.
-Doesn't have a full-time job.
-Is on financial assistance.
-Still lives in an apartment and does not own a house. Hell I was the last kid to move out of my parents' home.
-Has been diagnosed with a mental disability (Aspergers).
-Has practically no social life.
-Has no driver's license or car.

Recently I had dinner with a former classmate. Even though he and I are the same age (in fact I'm a few months older than him) he's doing a lot better. He's married, he has two kids, he has a large fancy house, and a good job. Me? After six years of living in Humboldt, I have nothing to show for it even after all my hard work of trying to make something of myself. I still can't find a job I'm suited for. And even though I'm going out a lot more than I used to, I still can't find someone worth pursuing a relationship with.

It just isn't fair that everyone in my family and even my former classmates have it so much better than I do and that they have no problem getting the things that make a person truly happy. I worked hard since moving out It's as if some force is conspiring against me. As if someone broke a lot of mirrors yet I got stuck with all the bad luck. As if God realized he made a mistake giving life to me, but instead of killing me and being done with it, he settles for making my life as miserable as possible. Both apartments I lived in were not up to standards, in fact they only got around to fixing the leaky ceiling in my current place when I made plans to move out, just like they only got around to fixing the problems in my first place when I moved out. It's like "Hey look, that Dwayne is moving in. Let's leave the place as it is just for him and have fun at his expense!"

I can't even talk to dad about it as he is completely unsympathetic. Dad always seems to be putting me down. He used to say I would never amount to anything. He still believes that even today. It's almost as if he has given up on me. At the same time he's still trying to help crazy little you know who.

At this point in my life I don't care anymore. There's no point in trying anymore. I've had it. I'm tired of living in a world that has it out for me. Over the last year I've been in a terrible depression. I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. I've even thought about suicide. Going to a counselor is obviously not doing me any good. Mom says I need to focus on the good things, but how can I when there is so few and so much bad? I can't take it anymore! How am I supposed to make something of myself and find happiness when the world won't even give much less let me have one chance? Is any wonder why I've grown up to become such a bitter man who hates the world and everybody in it?

if it makes you feel better
even i dont know how to drive a car or motorbike. i eight year younger cousin knows how to ride a bike n i was scared sitting behind him
an extremely unsocial
get awkward before friends
act like a baby at times whereas i'm in my mid twenties.
for me time just comes n goes.

i guess its okay to not know how to ride a bike or drive a car.

I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you. I haven't done most of those things, but have done some (like driving).

I would suggest, and correct me if I'm wrong, that your description of self worth is influenced by cliches of how people are "supposed to" behave, think, feel and act, as if those things were the source of fulfilment. The chances are, that people who do all those things go through the motions of thinking they are doing the right thing and end up wondering why they feel not too much different to how you feel. In some cases that takes time.

Chances are people are too preoccupied with their own dramas to necessarily have it in specifically for you - this was one of the best pieces of advice someone ever gave me, and it let me let go of much anxiety. We aspies notice things, and yes, those thing are irritating. But being irritated is a conscious choice we make, once we become aware that it is in fact a choice we make as to how we interpret and react to our surroundings. Eventually I decided to stop volunteering to be miserable, because my righteous indignation wasn't going to influence anyone, nor change the world, nor make me happy either.

These days I irritate people by not being irritated. Go figure. If life was perfect, there would be no need for a movie industry or advertising.

Though a person appears to have a great life, you don't know how they actually feel. These people might be married, live in nice houses, have a stable job, have good kids, etc. But those are just external things. Inside they might feel like they hate their lives...for a different reason than you hate your own.