Thoughts of suicide

I wanted a general opinion on this sorry if this turns into a long post. A few years ago a therapist while she couldn't give me a diagnosis because of my age (I was 17) she told me though that technically I did have clinical depression (she didn't say that but gave me the textbook definition of it) she wouldn't talk to me about any other conditions I might have out of fear of it affecting my treatment. Anyway my lack of feeling never really got better and I was never one for therapy or Zoloft for that matter so I told the docs I was better short story treatment ended. Here's the thing while I do suffer from thinking about suicide like its a coping mechanism thinking about how, when, where i would but I just consider them what they are to me thoughts that I wouldn't carry out into practice. Basically opinions are welcome, I can't really afford nor do I really want to start therapy back up I was just wondering if anyone thinks these thoughts are ok to have as I hold onto that knowing I would never do it?

TW

there was a time when i used to google search ways to commit suicide without pain or without people finding out its suicide. the death would appear to be out of natural causes.

i guess the thoughts eventually fade out. earlier i used to go to bed praying to not wake up in the morning. the intensity n frequency of those thoughts have reduced now. it's been more than 2 years.

i allow myself to be in depression n dont feel guilty for it or compare lives. that helps at times.

take care...

Well, I feel fairly confident I have some sort of Dysthymia or other mild-to-moderate chronic depression, and I'm definitely a very anxious person. When I'm very anxious about something, lately I've had suicide ideation of a sort. The amount I think of it is in direct proportion to how anxious I am. Nothing I'd do, but I think of it some, yes. As you said, just some sort of coping mechanism.

I'm also OCD, so, at least for me, I take the view that thoughts are just thoughts. Thoughts can't hurt me if I don't act on them. I don't stress my ideation too much.

I have recently become suicidal.. At least it was very strong about 3 years ago, and has slowly reduced to an occasional thought. I think really, what helped me was embracing the feelings and shifting to that from a position of fighting against them as a sort if enemy. Idk if that makes sense. I think the feelings are there as a form of a request for acknowledgement and recognition. If you give that they lesson.

For me what helped most, way more than any therapy I tried, was insight or vipassana meditation. Acceptance and compassion for your feelings, and a refusal to run from them. It's soooooo hard but you realize your strength. And you realize your feelings at just feelings. They pass, they are not as all consuming, when you invite them in, etc. Maybe search for a vipassana retreat to go to. Best of luck.